AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

Also 1st year Gen X and this rings so true. The most we saw of our Nanna was every other Sunday when we went for tea.....that woman could make a mean trifle.

What I think is interesting is, that at 60 (61 this year so oldest Gen X), I have NO recollection of ANY grandparents doing school pick ups or day care when I was a child (I mean ANYone's grandparents-not just my own)..or even when my siblings who go down to being 42 were kids. BUT now there is almost an expectation (sense of entitlement) that grandparents do this.
It's a very interesting phenomenon.

Obviously, I do realise that there have been societal changes over those 60 years which mean the landscape is very different and both parents generally need to work in many cases BUT over more recent years there seems to have built an expectation which was never actually discussed with those of us in the "grandparent zone".

I love that she likes having them but sometimes I want to grab her and shake her and say “go and have fun with your mates and party like he did when we were kids!!” 😭

I’m not at the grandparent stage, but my guess is that a lot of parents are a complete pain with so many rules for their children, and grandparents just don’t want the hassle 🤣

You've literally said you're burnt out and don't have the capacity to help your mother at this stage in your life. Is this magically going to change if/when the grandchildren arrive so you can provide childcare for them?

You seem to view your relationship with your parents in a very transactional way op.

Yes, totally relate to being reluctant to ask your Mum. Mine raised 7 kids and I wouldn't dream of asking that poor women to do it all over again (to any extent).

So do you understand now op?

You've had numerous reasons given so surely you now get it?

My mum and dad had help, so they help us. I am much more reluctant to ask my mum as she raised 6 kids pretty much herself, but she enjoys having them for fun days out ect. Does the odd overnight but I don’t ask her. My dad loves having them and I think part of that is he feels a bit bad for missing out on our childhoods because he used to drink a lot.

I can understand why people who got no help from their parents may not want to help. My mum and dad had their own lives even when we were little, mum less so but she definitely had a life outside of us. My parents and ILs looking after our kids means we can do the same and it means as long as I physically can I would do it for any future GCs. If people feel they had to put their life on hold to raise their kids then I understand the reluctance.

I just laughed out loud at the idea of seeing grandparents every 3 weeks as ours is 3 times a year 🤣🤣

I don’t think people expect regular childcare and I think there’s been a massive shift. I don’t think grandparents occasionally help even in emergency situations or help during the holidays.

I think this the massive shift that I’ve seen within my circles. Grandparents aren’t present and a lot less than previous generations.

Part of that would be some are still working, tired and can’t be there for their grandkids. It’s shifted the family dynamics

I actually suspect a part of this is that a lot of older women are finally, in 2026, saying..ENOUGH, ME NOW. Years of being centered around men and/or children ..just let us have our time finally.

That’s so sad.

I work full time, have children at home and an elderly mother that I visit every weekend as well as some weekdays as she becomes more frail.

I plan to retire next year and will not be doing regular childcare when I have grandchildren. I have worked hard all my adulthood, including nights and weekends at various points. I have put others first for decades and I I have probably only got another 10-15 years of quality life left. I want to live that time for me. It is not wrong to choose to prioritise myself.

Having children is a choice that no one else is obligated to facilitate.

I’m 63. I need to work to pay my bills! I have done masses of childcare at weekends but work longer hours than my kids because their dad fecked off and became a once a fortnight dad, and I never fully recovered financially. By the time I ever retire (if ever) I’ll be on to great grandchildren and their grandparents will have at least 30 more years to work! You’re talking nonsense.

My grandparents never provided childcare. I was still close to and loved them. My relationship with them wasn’t dependent on them providing childcare, and tbh I wasn’t and am not aware of this being the case with my friends either.

’If you don’t provide childcare then they won’t want to know you when they’re older’ is a threat commonly thrown around, but I haven’t seen this actually happen.

The word 'avoid' implies there's some kind of expectation that they will offer childcare to their grandchildren. Like that's the default they're eschewing.

That's ridiculous imo. You can phrase it 'wonder why some grandparents don't choose to offer childcare', it's more balanced and less judgmental.

My parents aren't 'avoiding' anything by not opting into offering childcare.

Individual choice.

FWIW, I'm 76 and I'm still working - part-time, admittedly, but it's still time consuming. I have contract work and freelance work - I don't have time.

I have always been there to help in emergencies and for one-offs, and we have lots of family time, but I have never done regular child support.

I have a great relationship with all four of my grandchildren.

I don't have grandchildren but even if I had I wouldn't be keen to look after them. I loved my own children, I gave them everything I had. But I wouldn't want to do it again. A lot of it I found boring, I'm a lot older and don't have the same stamina. I find it interesting when on (the many) other threads about this people seem to imply that if you don't look after GC no one will look after you in your old age. I actually don't expect my children to look after me when I'm ancient, I wouldn't burden them with the banality of it (I have elderly parents). I would be v happy to baby sit, do days outs and overnights but regularly daily childcare, nope.

I am prepared to do ad hoc childcare when it suits me but the expectation that I should be available for childcare for a child/ children that I didn’t give birth to, hell nah. What your grandparents did for your mother is different because it was something that they chose to do.

What I find unfathomable is your difficulty in understanding that some grandparents do not want to be obligated to semi raising someone else’s child.

I can only quote one example so obviously not representative.

We don't have children but when my sibling was expecting their first, Mum and Dad were very excited but Mum always said she was not willing to do regular child care. Babysitting for nights out, cover during sickness once they got to school, school pick ups in an emergency, yes. Certain days every week, no.

Her reasoning was that Dad was just about to retire (she had been made redundant shortly before) and they were now going to be able to go on days out, holiday at short notice, etc., for the first time.

She based this on my own in-laws who had agreed to look after their first grandchild on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays while their parents worked (one parent worked full time, the other on those days) to save on childcare costs. They loved being with grandchild but it meant they could rarely just go away for a few days, or indeed come and stay with us (we lived 4 hours away). They just got to the stage where the child was starting school and another grandchild arrived so they felt they had to do the same. Eventually they started to get resentful that their retirement was disappearing.

Once you get to retirement age you only have so many years between finishing work and being fit and able to do what you want. Luckily, my sibling was fully supportive and agreed that they deserved their retirement after nearly 100 years of work between them!

I am 60 and a step-grandparent now and do NOT want to be doing regular child care for the following honest reasons;

1. I run a business and am not some grey haired pensioner like grandmothers are painted to be.
2. I have only literally just become an empty nester myself with my youngest away at University. This is FINALLY my time. I've waited SOOOO long.
3. Its not my job to do this, I am happy to help out where I can and let them go out for a night out together or a party or a nice evening or day off for respite and I do this all the time. I love a bit of play time ..but Im not a childminder and not booking in for regular days and school pick ups etc. Babysitting YES, childcare NO.
4. I have discovered that I'm just not geared to this now as I was when I had my kids. My house is 100% NON childproof, I get tired. It's hard.
5. I like to travel a lot and can't be relied on every week.

I didn't have any childcare assistance. I'm not saying "I didn't so they cant", I'm just pointing it out. I never ever even considered how to use my parents when I decided to have children (but mine did work FT into their later years).

I dont think the OP is talking about having the GC to stay or having a lovely relationing with GC - she's talking about GP doing childcare instead of parents having paid childcare.

How many grandchildren do you have?

Without her support I don’t think she could have done it

Realistically, she'd have had to. I had no grandparents, all died before I was born. My parents died when my children were small, 1 and 5.

Would have been nice to have had support, but there you go. Needs must.