AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

I‘m also thinking that people have more freedom
from societal expectations. They can be more themselves. Those that really want to be dedicated grandparents can if health and finance and time permits and those who do not want to don’t.

Just like more people feel freer to choose not to have children at all.

Had my own kids very young and became a grandmother at a young age. I’m still working full time and made it very clear that I wouldn’t be hands on, my youngest was still in school and now she’s an adult it’s the first time in my adult life I’ve not got childcare responsibilities and I’m making the most of it. Call me selfish but it’s my time now and I intend to make the most of it.

Is this a piss take? I could swear I've seen this post about 4 billion times this week. I'm teetotal so I know it's not a hallucination... is it???

Have no idea. I was practically raised by my grandparents. My parents do not help often. They have never really helped not even 5% of what their own parents did with my brother and I. Don’t really understand i had the best friendship with my gran growing up and still do with my Papa. My daughter has a brilliant relationship with her great Papa❤️ grandparents not so much.

But it absolutely sounds like you do begrudge her.

There is that to, the lists of dos and donts - I don’t remember my grandparents having any lists , be it food or activities etc

im in my late 50s and still working. My partner still has teenaged kids. My kids - I have 3 - are hours apart all within the U.K.

which one should I help?

I'm in my 40s and my kids absolutely wear me out. My parents help me with adhoc babysitting for which I'm really grateful. I have never asked and would never ask them to look after my kids on a regular scheduled basis. They had three kids of their own so have multiple grandkids and have already sacrificed enough of their time and energy on our family. People who expect their parents to do childcare are ungrateful cheeky fuckers in my opinion. Why can't we let older people enjoy the autumn of their years instead of subjecting them to more servitude. Also like to add that this quite often falls on the female grandparent, not always, my dad actually does more in our family as my mum is disabled.

I'm in my 40s and my kids absolutely wear me out. My parents help me with adhoc babysitting for which I'm really grateful. I have never asked and would never ask them to look after my kids on a regular scheduled basis. They had three kids of their own so have multiple grandkids and have already sacrificed enough of their time and energy on our family. People who expect their parents to do childcare are ungrateful cheeky fuckers in my opinion. Why can't we let older people enjoy the autumn of their years instead of subjecting them to more servitude. Also like to add that this quite often falls on the female grandparent, not always, my dad actually does more in our family as my mum is disabled.

"I'm not sour at all"

You've written like an obnoxious teenager in every post you've made on this thread.

My Mum and Dad were still working when I had my first child so I wouldn't have expected them to want to do childcare or be available at the drop of a hat. Even though they are retired now - my Mum retired over 10 years ago and my Dad in recent years - I'd want them to have the time to do things for themselves or have holidays etc. They do help out if enough notice is given or we are struggling for whatever reason, for example my brother works shifts and if there is nobody available for school pickup they will do so if asked in advance and they are an emergency contact if any of the grandkids got sent home from school poorly and parents were unavailable or couldn't be reached.

I feel so sorry for this neighbour. My own neighbours have at least one of their grandchildren there EVERY SINGLE DAY and they even have to escape abroad for 90 days each year for a bit of time to themselves.

My DSS and his wife have already asked me to cover a thursday. They have the toddler in nursery monday, wed and friday to midday at this stage.
I told them they are eligible for child care hours and they said "great, we will see if we can get the baby in on a tuesday". So they get the tuesday "off" but I end up covering the thursday?? nope

Most parents are looking for the smallest bit of assistance

They're really, really not- unless you count a day a week of childcare (per adult child) as "the smallest bit". My lovely neighbour was in tears last year as she found put her daughter's expecting again- she's already provided childcare for 4 grandchildren over the last 10 years and now is expected to saddle up for another 4 year stint (because otherwise it wouldn't be "fair").

Don't get me wrong, I very much have the inclination and do what I can, but it is a lot more exhausting than I thought. My DC also has a list of rules regarding what can/cannot be eaten so I need advance warning they are coming. I cannot imagine providing regular care in my late sixties or seventies.

When my DC’s were younger my parents were both still working full time so childcare wasn’t an option though they loved coming to visit as much as they could. My in-laws were both retired but they didn’t want to help with childcare which is fine as it’s their choice. Sadly they weren’t very interested in building a relationship with their grandchildren either and prioritised enjoying the independence in their retirement instead.

Now my parents are retired they love taking their grandchildren, who are now mostly teenagers, out for treats and look after my DN, who is younger, once a week. I don’t think they would want to be committed to childcare everyday though as they enjoy having time for hobbies now too. They have a great relationship with all of their grandchildren but my DC’s have a very limited relationship with my in-laws sadly.

At the end of the day everyone is different, and there is no right or wrong but I do wish that my DC’s had a better relationship with my in-laws.

All 3. In my case I did not ask my DM to help out because she has chronic illnesses and had to retire at 40, also because she is very judgy and opinionated. I did not appreciate having her inspect my pantry and fridge when she came to visit, for example, and complaining about the contents, nor complaining that I read/video game and she didn't raise me that way. Also my DS and DD are now 33 and 30, and DM still gripes about their eating habits in front of them.

Besides, I don't think it's fair to ask people to give up their time that they could invest toward their retirement or whatever they see fit to do

I don't think they are whinging, and I'm not sour at all. It's pretty weird that you don't want to help your children unless it's a "major emergency", but that's just me..Good to hear you are having fun with your grandchildren.

I would help out, but I would not tie myself into any kind of formal childcare.

Most of us have worked hard all of our lives and brought up our children the best we can, without any free time for ourselves and are interests. That is the time of life when you deserve it to do as much as you can before you become too frail to do it. I think children who expect their parents to be their formal child carers without any other plan I just selfish and entitled.

Not at all. I was limiting my kids’ screen time to an hour a day in the 80s before it was a thing.

I can hack engaging with children - I raised five of them without any grandparent input at all, fostered one, and was a teacher for 15 years before I retired. I choose not to do child care now except in major emergency. I have a happy, funny, joyful relationship with the grandchildren by being the fun granny. You may find me boring, but they don’t.

You sound rather sour. If children are so wonderful, why are so many people all whingeing about having to care for their own children?

Why would you be expected to care for her? You aren't her daughter and if she had helped you when you needed it when your mum was dying, you would feel much more inclined to help her. It's not tit for tat, it's her reaping what she has sown.

If she needs help, surely your DH, her son, should be the one to provide it.

You are so far off the mark with that though. Most parents are looking for the smallest bit of assistance. In my case, as a full time single parent, I'd be happy with one hour a week from my parents, but they dont offer, so I dont ask. My 60 year old parents, who applied huge pressure on me to have children 13 years ago, when I was unsure.

A little help goes a very long way. But even the smallest amount of interaction with a child scares most of you off, probably because you let the television raise my generation, and you can't actually hack engaging with children. Your loss though, because children are wonderful, and you are all so boring.

This rings v true. It was usually other people's parents. We were juggled between us.

Anyone remember the babysitting pool? I wonder if that is even a thing now - a group of parents (usually mums!) who earnt time, not money, for looking after other kids.

So your mum could 'earn' 3 hours watching Brenda's kids, then Brenda would watch Joan's kids to earn the three hours back. If your mum ran out of hours, she couldn't have a night out until she'd sat for Sue's kids. Everyone liked Brenda best, so she was usually up hours. It was a sad day if you were expecting Brenda, but she'd decided to cash in her hours for a big night out at Bingo and Scary Sue turned up instead.

Mine see them more but one shows zero interest in them and the other does but is definitely not hand on.

i don't expect ether of my kids to have children, but if they did i'd expect the same arrangement i had/have with my own mother. You ask first, and no means no.

Not once did i ever expect my parents to babysit, they were asked if they would, every time.