AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

I think it’s shift of an attitude (people want to enjoy traveling and other things) plus the need to work longer plus higher expectations - looking after a child is more demanding and complicated nowadays.

You title already suggests judgement though

😱Out of interest, why? Assuming they are small enough for child care? If they are older and unpleasant I could understand.

Because I have just retired after 43 years of working and I have plans to travel etc. I haven’t got time, wouldn’t want to tie myself down, there is government help for childcare, they earn decent money, I managed without help with my own, it’s not my responsibility. That enough for you??

My in-laws lived 9 hours away. When we drove to visit them for Christmas with our 3 month old daughter, who they’d never met. I had to ASK my MIL to hold the baby so we could bring our suitcases.

I love my dgc, delighted to babysit and have overnight stays. Happy to help out when required - when DIL had an ankle injury we got up at 5.30 every morning for a month, to drive to their house and do the morning school run. One year when dd was doing a training course, we went once a week to do the school pick up for her dc.

But... I dropped a day of work to do a regular days childcare for 2 little dgc. It was hard. It was simultaneously boring and relentless. When I was a mum with similar aged dc I had other mum friends, we went for coffees or to activities, we chatted and the kids played. As a grandparent in someone else's home there was none of that, and it was lonely. Despite loving my dgc and having weekly time with them, it was the least rewarding or enjoyable part of my grandparenting experience so far.

It also (for that period) changed the relationship between me and my dgc's parents. If I was planning a holiday (well in advance), or had a mandatory work meeting to attend, or if I was unwell or had a medical appointment... those changes would be met with exasperated sighs and an eye roll. I understand, one of them would have to take time off work, but those interactions didn't make me feel very valued at the time.

I'm 13 years on from my first dgc, and my youngest is about to embark on the parenthood journey. Goodness, I feel so much older in those 14 years. I know there is an expectation that I will be 'fair' in offering support and childcare help, but I know I'm less able to chase a lively toddler round a park.

Why should they help. They raised you. Their job is done. Too many people having children then can’t look after them and want others to help raise them. If you want children then make sure you can look after them

I’d suggest you are talking about something you know nothing of! You are a mother, not a grandmother, you have no idea what you will want to do at that stage, unless you’ve got a crystal ball.

When my dad was pg not too long ago and I had my first grandchild I couldn’t wait to be part of his childcare, which I am, but, it is absolutely shattering. Some people might find it is not, I found it is. I couldn’t do it more than I do. I have another grandchild on the way who I will also provide limited childcare for, but, I know it will be hard.

i also have. Mother with dementia who I see both weekend days, and I work full time, but condensed hours. It would be easy to judge you in regard your attitude toward your mother, but hey ho!

There’s definitely been a generational shift. Whatever happened to “it takes a village to raise a child” 🙈

We’ve had no help from either sets of grandparents for our 2 DDs. We both work full time (like many we have to to keep the roof over our heads). It’s been so incredibly hard without having that support.. Even just a couple of hours on a weekend, or after school would make a world of difference.

I honestly don’t understand grandparents who don’t want to help. They know how hard it is, they’ve been there. So why not help your own kids with their children..
“I’ve done my time, I’m not looking after children again”, “I want to enjoy my life now”.. Your grandchildren aren’t enjoyable?!

Anyway, everyone has their own opinion on it. We don’t have to agree. I personally can’t wait for my DDs to have their own children and I’m looking forward to supporting them as much as I can. I don’t want them to struggle as much as we have ❤️

I get it to be fair, kids are tiring, being old is tiring, having to bend down, crawl around, cook for them, wipe their bums, clear up their mess, deal with tantrums. I love my kids and I know I will help them out if I can when they have kids. I also know my parents (who do help 1 day a week) have between them - arthritis, a chronic uti issue, a recent knee replacement, high blood pressure and regular migraines. To ask more of them is really unfair. If they were sprightly and under 70 and my kids were easier ( 1 autistic, 1 adhd) then maybe they would, but I totally get why they can't. I also totally get some people don't actually really like small children, or have busy social lives that they've waited 25 years for.

My Parents retired in their 50s long before I had Children, my PILs retired over a decade ago!

It’s not childcare I was looking for…. My kids are in secondary school now… it’s more about having fond memories of spending time with them (apart from when I cook them dinner or take them out to a restaurant-) four times a year!

They have never visited on Christmas Eve, or taken them out for the day… not even to the park!

They seem to prefer staying in their separate houses watching homes under the hammer alone!

They are not short of cash… they have plenty of holidays and buy gadgets that they don’t need!

But they just can’t be bothered with any of their Grandchildren (not just our children) and send cheques rather than buy them presents for Christmas and Birthdays.

It’s totally different to the relationship I had with my Grandparents who would take me to museums, galleries etc… for a day out!

My DH Grandparent’s would have all six grandchildren stay with them for a couple of weeks in the summer and take them to football matches, museums etc….

They are not alone… friends also feel sad that our baby boomer parents just seem to care less about their grandchildren than our own grandparents did!

I also have no idea why you think that only Grandmothers could take out their Grandchildren for the day? I remember visiting places with both grandparents or just my Grandfather who loved visiting exhibitions.

My mum was straight to the point with her (you had children) you look after them..don't get me wrong she spent time with them her choice but would only on the very odd occasion actually babysit...

Same here oldfool had to just get on with it. Zero help. Would babysit but dont think I would want full T care of kids. Very tiring

Many reasons

Logistics
Work
Health
Travel
Want to pursue hobbies and interests
Don’t want to be tied down

Tired of years of caregiving

I don’t agree it should be expected and often seen it be to the detriment of the GP (too much for them, but they won’t admit it) - however other GP have a lot of capacity and the logistics to take it on and really want to - then it works well (assuming everyone on the same page).

Not that difficult to get your head around, surely?

Comes down to personal choice and circumstances.

I’m just not that fond of small children. Obviously I love my own and did like a select few others but in general… no thanks.
I was never going to give up work and look after children after a teenage pregnancy (thankfully didn’t happen).
Two of my three don’t want children - I don’t know about the youngest, but if they did have any I would love them to bits and be very happy to support them financially (I can afford school fees etc). I’d step up in emergencies but would not be doing regular daily care.
My grandparents were the same; we saw them every couple of weeks but they never ever were involved in childcare, and my own parents lived too far away.

I have grand children. And frankly don't like them much

But they are your children, and given that many grandmothers (because it’s always the women who get lumbered) are still working or have just retired and may want the chance to have a life of their own.

Plus do you want them involved when their own attempts at child rearing have resulted in demanding and entitled adult children?

It’s definitely a generational issue, my grandparents were a huge part of my life, school holidays, Christmas, Easter etc….. however although my Dad would see me and my oldest Daughter once a week, there was never any mention of babysitting, sadly he died of cancer while I was pregnant with my second daughter. My mum had no relationship with me or my children (I think she only saw them three times before she died)

My in laws are retired, but are vey distant from our children, DH used to spend school holidays with grandparents and see them every weekend, and they were keen to help with childcare (despite working) as they valued their grandchildren.

Despite DH and I working full time since our children were born, there is just no desire to see them or offer to help? PILs are divorced and MIL states frequently that she often is bored… but won’t visit us because her car isn’t clean air zone compliant, and the shortest route is through a clean air zone.

Many of my friends have the same experience as us…. and we suggest that perhaps it’s a selfish generational issue.

FIL visits occasionally for dinner, but isn’t forthcoming to take the girls in the school holidays for a day either.

We probably see them just four times a year.

Perhaps it’s Thatcherism ‘there is no such thing as society’ because they just don’t seem to want to offer the support that they had, and seem less family focused.

The problem is that our girls haven’t got a bond with them… not like my DH and I had with our grandparents and that’s quite sad.

I think as you get older, what isn’t fully explored is that your wherewithal starts to decline. The following is just what I have seen and whike not all grandparents it is certainly worth noting. Personally I see exhausted grandparents dazed and looking bewildered while lively grandchildren are running around a busy car park. They enter child friendly venues and need to sit down.

my parents help; but clearly stipulate 1 half day a week. They have bought up their own children and now want to go out in the daytime (night time driving can be tricky), they meet friends, walk, pub lunches and National Trust etc. why would I deny them that?
our lives are not about others running round after us, should they want to fabulous, but quality over quantity.

Surely in a lot of cases it’s distance related isn’t it? Do many people stay in the area they grew up in or deliberately choose to live where their parents live? We live more than 300 miles from my parents and 100 miles from my in laws. We have never expected or received any sort of childcare, and nor have they offered. It was the same for me growing up, my grandparents on one side were about 350 miles away and on the other side, they lived in a different country. We saw each about once a year or less.

Why is this subject such a big deal on here. If a person doesn’t want to help with grandkids why is it so hard to think that older people are tired kids are hard work and some kids are horrible some are lovely but hey it is a choice they should be allowed to have without being judge by the adults who expect them to help. Some people get trapped doing more than they were meant to and it’s hard work why is it so hard to understand that. You have kids your responsibility. They looked after you it’s not a job for life.

I became a granny at age 61 & agreed to have my grandson 3 days a week when his mothers maternity leave ended. I was looking forward to having a close relationship with him. 2 months before that time I became seriously ill, had 3 emergency ops & a very long recuperation. I wasn't able to help straight away but have since started looking after him. I'm nowhere near as fit as I was pre illness & really struggle, however I carry on because he adores the time we spend together. I turn 65 soon & my 2nd grandchild is due just after. I really want the same close relationship with this one but am not sure I'm up to it any more. I totally understand grannys who don't want to as I have spent my whole life caring for my children, then my in laws, then my mother & now my granchild without ever having time for me.

I’m not a grandparent but a mum to 2 young children and whilst I’ve asked similar questions in relation to my MIL who seems to have zero interest in seeing our children (while doting on them over fb and making much more effort with SIL children) I do think you’ve maybe answered your own question

Your dad wasn’t around when you were children so is making up for lost time

Your mum on the flip side sounds like she had to take on all the responsibility, mental and physical load of raising children and now wants to take the opportunity to take back some time to herself

whilst I appreciate it might be hard, I think I’d try really hard to appreciate how much she’s already dedicated to raising you (her own children) and sounds like your dad is just doing his share in later life!