AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

We have had virtually no help and no village. My mother isnt hands on and my MIL only helps her favouritises and they get loads of help!!.

Our older kids have now noticed the favouritism from MIL and her total lack of interest in them and are showing the same back lack of interest back to her now. They are still fine with my mum because they know she isn't hands on but also that she doesn't play favourites.

They also know as long as we are able to we will help them and support we will. They also have been told we will help as grandparents as long as we are able to. I dont want my kids to ever feel as physically, mentally and emotionally burnt out as we have done because despite having a disabled child and seriously ill one we got no help. I could not stand back and watch my kids struggle the way we have done and not offer some help and support.

I don’t live near my Dgc, I’m still working. I would help out if we were nearer and love to see them

I am looking forward to retirement and having some leisure time

Love this!! ❤️

Who wouldn't want this for their DM, knowing full well they've raised you and sacrificed so much.

Enjoy your free time.

Sorry I lost my edit opportunity,
and I think anyone who has expectations of their parents and thinks it's their "right" to have them look after their children is an absolute arse who doesn't look at their parents as human beings with lives but only as people to "do" for them.

I am the oldest of 7 children and the oldest girl and oldest grand-daughter. I married, birthed and raised 4 kids and some older step-kids (raised not birthed obv). My youngest is 19 and I have JUST become an empty nester as he is at Uni. I love all my kids and my husband is ok too ;) BUT the fog has just started to lift and I am now thinking "how did I get here"?? How did I spend my WHOLE life centred around everyone else? I don't have that much time to have a life that's just for me (not in a selfish way but more in a way that I want to choose for ME). And my husband is down for that too.

I am at the age and freedom stage where I have finally started doing things I like - book club, swimming, I've returned to my pre married weight, now have a vinted addiction as I'm rediscovering style, I go to the spa, I've been away on my own on holiday, I have a bus pass and go for free trips to the art gallery, I go for facials, I get my nails done now (who AM I??).

Can't we just let all these women (I realise we are not just talking about grandmothers but aren't we?) finally have their time?? Like I said above, I love spending time and playing with the grand child we have so far but I do NOT want my autumn/winter years to be tied up all over again in the service of others.

FREE women of a certain age.

I cannot believe that anyone wonders about this.
I'll probably still be working if I become a grandmother. Many older people continue to work. Many become grandparents just as they retire. After a lifetime of hard work - and parenting- why shouldn't people enjoy their retirement?
Minding children is hard bloody work and not everyone wants to do it. As we get older, not everyone is able to do it either. It's absolutely nonsense to suggest that a loving bond is only created by effectively childminding. What does that say about relationships with aunts, uncles, cousins?

Are you going to babysit your grandchildren when your children have them?

😆

Maybe it’s because women have more autonomy now. I went into having my children knowing that myself and partner would be doing it on our own. I do think it’s a shame that my kids don’t have a strong love and bond with their grandparents. I hope that if I’m a grandma someday that I’ll do all I can to help, within reason. It’s hard work parenting and I would want any future grandchildren to have the benefits of a wider family unit they can rely on and go to.

I don’t know what I would be missing as my grandparents were overseas we never had a relationship with them this is well before the tech we have today.

My parents are happy for DC to visit so we go over 2-3 times a month. MIL visit is every 8 weeks. She is wound up on her own life and retirement fun to help.

I never had my mum or MIL reach out to me as fellow mums to talk to me or make me a cup of coffee and hold DC while I put laundry on or take a nap. I’ve helped them both when they have needed it.

DC knows who these people are but it’s not this warm and fuzzy relationship it’s more formal sort of more for show. An obligation.

I hope if my DC has a baby, DH and I can help similar to the grandparents I read about on here who help with whatever they can and have a lovely bond with their grandchildren.

If I can’t due to health or age then I’ll have some funds saved up to help pay for an au pair or nanny. I’ll do what I can to lighten the load.

I have a granddaughter and also a son 3 months younger and a son of 11 months i have enough to deal with

Yes, it’s really unfair to expect the same as the boomer generation where their mums often hadn’t worked at all, became grandmothers in their 40s or 50s and them helping to look after the baby was quite different to someone who has kids aged 38 and expects their nearly 70 year old mum who has just retired from an exhausting full time career to spend several days a week looking after a toddler.

& many women are choosing to have kids later in life so the knock-on effect is that Grandparents are often older too & too knackered/old/ill to be able to provide childcare (even if they wanted to). & many Grandparents haven't retired young and are still working later in their own life and have every right to enjoy their retirement years.

Because it’s tedious af even if you’re related to the child. Genuinely, it is. And if your mum was late 30s when she had you then she was a bit older when you became a mum and it’s really selfish and inconsiderate for an adult child to expect someone in their late 60s to early 70s to be doing regular childcare. It’s exhausting and unfair. Pay someone to do it or don’t work and do it yourself.

Basically because I don’t like looking after children. I adored my own and did my best but I don’t feel obligated to other people’s children even if they are related to me.

Several posts about generational changes.

But there have been so many changes over the generations.

My grandmother helped looked after me, but she had never worked, her role was always home making and family. My mum worked, and retired at 60 (work pension and state pension) had 5 years waiting for my Dad to reach retirement age and did help during those years. Once Dad retired they were off travelleling living the life they had dreamed of (and deserved) - visiting their siblings in Australia / Canada, and European cities.

Now retirement doesn't kick in till 67. Full time work till that age can be exhausting.

Parenting has also changed over the generations. As a grandparent I've had to learn to follow the lead of my dcs and d/sILs (and they're not always the same) regarding baby led weaning, babies sleeping on their back, limited time in a car seat. I've learned to communicate in the language of 'big emotions' and I've had to adopt strategies for ND dgc. None of which were part of my own journey as a parent.

While I understand that grandparents have done their bit bringing up their own children i sometimes wish i had had a closer relationship with my grandparents. I only have one left, my Mum's Mum, in her eighties, but she lives far away and until my late twenties I lived far away from all of them. We only saw them a couple if times a year, a visit in Summer and a visit around Christmas. My husband was cared for by his grandparents while his Mum worked amd his Dad was at sea in the Navy and had a really close relationship with them, he doesn't get on with his mother and claims it's cos he was raised by his grandmother. We live far away from our parents now so even if we had kids they couldn't provide regular childcare even if they wanted to which they don't. I think most grandparents are happy to spend time with their grandchildren, but not at the expense of their own hobbies and not in place of the actual parents.

But sometimes (as a grandparent / MIL) you just can't win. You might equally have said: "the baby was tired I needed to feed / settle him after a long journey, and we needed help to bring the cases in, but MIL only wanted to hold the baby."

So only work should absolve one from helping?
What if they just want to be free to do nothing, is that not allowed?
People may be able to help, but not want to. It's a perfect enough reason.

Pffffffttt! Í shouldn’t HAVE to ask. It’s the first time you met your GRANDCHILD FFS! Shouldn’t you WANT to hold her? Cold hearted b*tch. I did ask, but she was never warm to the children.

And? ‘Please can you hold the baby a sec?’ was a massive big deal/offensive for you to have to ask? Your poor MIL.

Some people, including me, only read aibu.
So, they are possibly not being a goody fecker

You can’t compare what your grandparents did back in the day. Most women now are holding down demanding jobs and are needing a break once they retire.
we will babysit occasionally when/if we have grandchildren but we won’t be having them here for days in the week except in emergencies.

My, there's some vitriol on here! It's making me laugh that the majority of posts are all "poor grandparents, everyone hates the elderly"... Whilst failing to notice that perhaps 90% of responses (well, of the first few pages that I read) are busy bashing the OP and totally in favour of GPS doing what ever the * they like. I'm not a fully paid up member, nor do I trawl the boards regularly so I have no idea if OP has actually posted the same before, but it seems this must be the case since more than a few people seem to be putting words into her mouth - I therefore assume these are coming from another thread (or people are just enjoying making stuff up this evening).

Given the questions was "if you can, why would you not?", rather than banging the same old drum about health or working and not able to (both of which are totally irrelevant to the question therefore) I'd say it's generational. Family values have changed. People are more insular and have less interest in others. Bonds are more fickle. Support has been outsourced and commercialised to the point where people are almost shamed for not sending a child to a nursery.

It's interesting that OP has taken a bashing for airing her opinions when she's not a GP (and therefore would not know how she would feel in this position)... and yet a lot of people who would like GPs to be free and doing their own thing are likely not on their death beds and therefore would not know if they would expect the closeness (and indeed volume of visits) to be rekindled in their last moments after years of being effectively absent (after all, if visits keep happening a few times a year, the likelihood of coming together at the time someone passes is slim, no?). On the one hand, the vibe seems to be that nobody owes anyone anything... And yet the suggestions seem to keep coming that not making maximum effort for a parent, regardless of how much effort they themselves have put in, is a bad thing. According to the narrative, OPs mum should be happy since she can do what she wants when she wants - yet if she's not, that's somehow OPs fault (not a result of GPs choices)?

I love looking after the gc, not every day but whenever it's needed, it's tiring but they grow up fast and it creates a special relationship. You only reap what you sow, it's no good expecting the gc to visit you when you have not put any effort with them.