AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

I've been childcare for all six of my grandchildren. It was exhausting especially with premature twins and their ongoing needs. My parents lived very close by and didn't want to help me out. I had friends that did reciprocal childcare with me instead. I didn't resent my parents in the slightest as it was their choice. My DM died in her 60s unexpectedly so she was able to enjoy her spare time. I spent mine exhausted. Your use of the word avoid isn't fair. YABVVVU.

It’s really simple, OP. Some people don’t want to spend their later lives or retirement babysitting small children. It’s either tiring or not enjoyable, and it stops them doing things they’d rather be doing instead. They’ve raised their children - they don’t want round 2.

It’s no different to busy adults with their own lives to lead not wanting to be relied upon by their parents for lifts, chaperoning to appointments, shopping etc.

I think when you make a decision to have children, you should do so with no expectation that 1) your parents will provide free childcare or 2) your children will be available to look after you one day. Too many people seem to take this as a given and are disappointed. People might move house, or have all kinds of things happening in their lives.

If families have a situation when grandparents are local and have the time, energy and enthusiasm to care for their grandchildren frequently then I’d say those parents are very fortunate.

And they just don't want to. Amazing that this daft woman thinks what she wants is more important than what her mum wants ESPECIALLY when talking about her mum's own life and free time 😆And she's SO pleased her mum is lonely, it's a bit gross.

My parents are now elderly i help them my adult Dcs help them, their lack of "childcare " doesn't affect how we treat them now.

Yes that's exactly it.
All mine went to daycare.
No way would I drop them to anybodies house, close the door and go off to work.
I would trust nobody to be alone with my kids.
Everybody trusts their grandparents,
neighbours, aunts etc until something happens.
You don't know who is calling into the childminders house etc.
Also, not everybody likes minding small children.
Your mum may have found child rearing very difficult

When ds and his gf announcement a surprise pregnancy I was worried. For all of them. Ds had anger issues (therapy was helping) his gf once held our 5 month old ds then sat him at the table and walked away.... Their relationship was somewhat turbulent...
The gf had been literally spoon fed until she left home at 20.
They split up soon after and I helped as and when asked. Until my mh could no longer take it.
Being a dgp can be fab but can also bring with it more worries than you had with your own dc...
My own dd now has a dc and the situation is totally different but it will keep me in the dgm lane not the childcare provider.. Unless an emergency obviously..

Why is a grandparent not wanting to look after grandchildren different to you not wanting to look after your elderly mother? Many would say they can't understand why you wouldn't do that.

Its hard work?

They dont think they'd be good at it.

Expectations have changed from grandma's house grandma's rules, to do this the way I say and face criticism If its not right.

They didnt find grandma's care as positive as you did so dont want to recreate that experience.

So what? Grow up.

Yep, she got it alright, she's just a moaner who doesn't like being told no 😅

your family life seems very transactional.

I live 190 miles awayfrom DD and have no intention of moving to the area where she lives. Luckily as DD and her DH have chosen not to have children, I shall never be judged by anyone for not being available at the drop of a hat for childcare.

Isn't it though?

I wonder if it's the same person using different nicknames?

I had my DC at 40. If DC were to follow suit, and I had my first GC at 80, I’d be knackered (if not dead - neither of my parents lived to 80)

Looking after young children is exhausting, and not everyone wants to spend their twilight years dealing with nappies and tantrums and constant nursery bugs right on the tail of 55 years’ full time work.

Raising children is hard work. I spent XX years of my life raising my DC.
I also want to do something else with my life other than the relentless thankless tiring work of raising DC while working FT & being a single parent. Been there done that, it was great and now its time for me to do stuff I want to do (well I still have teens but life is heading that way).

There is more to life than raising kids. Its probably novel for your dad as he hasnt alreay spent XX years raising kids, so its a change for him, not moreof the same.

Pay for a childminder like other parents do.

Well didn’t you read all the reasons on the other threads? Seems pretty clear to me.

I am of "grandparent" age but have no grandchildren i don't think I would have the energy to look after a young child all day every day.

Because I work full-time and have 2 elderly parents to look after (3 until MIL died recently).

I would absolutely hate to be tied in to doing commercial type childcare. I’ve worked hard all my life and brought up my own kids now according to op if my dds have children I then have to start again looking after more kids?’ Christ no thanks.

My MIL never helped with child care even if it was to look after my daughter so I could tend to my dying mom. She’s now fast becoming vulnerable and I know she’s going to need extra help and even though I never expected or even took offence to the lack of help at the time. It’s all bubbling up now as I know I’ll be expected to provide her care needs and I just don’t want it. It’s always been a give take relationship. She’s had the time to provide some ease in my life and chose not to do it & even if she did the martyrdom and expectation in return was just not worth it.

I'm pretty sure we could also dig up a lot of stories about children being abused by grandparents and other relatives if we wanted to, but thanks for that dig at parents who use paid childcare. I don't really consider my DCs lovely nursery teachers as "strangers".

Your mother didn't want to help with childcare and that was her right. You don't want to help with her care, which is also your right. No one is being unreasonable.

Surely you can see that your DF and DM had very different experiences of your own childhood? Although your DM went back to work, it also sounds like she did the lion's share at home if your DF was working and commuting long distances.

I also don't think childcare is the only way DC bond with DGP. Neither of my DCs GP do lots of regular childcare, but they are loving and close with them.

I wonder if it is "This Morning" research or something.

Anyway my mum was a young gran .she was also a young mum, she worked full time and shifts when mine were young she would babysit occasionally and have them in emergency which was fine,

Op you seem shocked adults want lives of their own.