AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

You're right, OP is super selfish. And no, you haven't found that grandparents who dont fancy being unpaid dogsbodies are confused about anything 😆 I'm sure they understand full well why their selfish gits of children are neglecting them migh even be a relief to be left in peace 😆

I understand your question. I don't have an answer.

I have found that the grandparents least likely to help, are the ones most confused why the grandkids don't have a strong bond with them.

I know my parents needed help from grandparents, aunts & uncles and got a bunch of it. Now they don't really want to help with grandkids.

My situation is unique because my partner and I are immigrants, so all grandparents live abroad. When my parents visit they sit on the sofa & watch TV. When I ask them to watch the toddler while I prep dinner they agree... but they literally just watch and then yell for me to come if he's starring to climb a bookshelf or needs a nappy change. They don't help with domestic chores. They do want lots of smiling picture with the toddler, but try force him to pose with them. I make them play a bit on his terms and then get great smiling pics.

My partner's parents are very different. They cook and help clean up. They play with the toddler on his level. They will watch him alone for 30mins no problem. They will change a nappy.

I think some people just are good with kids, and some people are more selfish.

In the end, you reap what you sow.

I'm pretty sure we could also dig up a lot of stories about children being abused by grandparents and other relatives if we wanted to, but thanks for that dig at parents who use paid childcare.

Tia Matthews is the first name that popped in my head. I remember another one with a baby and the grandparents dog because the grandma didn't close the door. Plus plenty of grandparents using the advice they followed 30 years previously like sleeping on their front, or weaning at 4 months etc. which nurseries wouldn't do.

Watching a small child when your home isn't child friendly is a lot harder too. Your home naturally becomes less child friendly as your children grow/leave. My friend brought her toddler round to ours and I couldn't believe how many dangers he found considering our youngest is only 7! I couldn't leave a friend's toddler to play in the living room while I popped to the loo like I used to with mine.

OP's lapping up the notion that her mum is lonely after she spent her whole life raising her and working, it's really gross tbh.

My reasons:

1. it's exhausting and I have limited energy
2. I want to be free from ties so I can be spontaneous to do things
3. the DGC's behaviour isn't as good as it needs to be to make them a pleasure to look after

My grandparents used to go to Spain in the winter over Christmas for about 6 weeks, cheapo holidays away from the grinding cold. We were all happy for them. Visited them a couple of times a month all through my childhood and teenage years till I moved away, my parents and my grandparents were members of the same bowling club and my grandparents were active there. My grandparents loved their busy active lives that they'd worked hard for and it would literally never have occurred to any of us to think they should be at our beck and call.

Its such a weird, weird, weird obsession on this site trying to attach a chain made of children round grandparents necks

I don’t have grandchildren yet, but I won’t be providing regular childcare if and when I do.

When I retire, that time is for me to enjoy myself in whatever way I can/want to. I’ve more than done my bit. I won’t be filling my time as a childminder.

You said it yourself: you're burntout.
Your mother probably felt the same, and quite rightly wanted her time and peace back when you'd grown up.
Your father was working and not spending as much time with his kids, therefore, didn't feel that same level of burnout you get when raising children and juggling everything.

It's quite easy to understand tbh.

I am not a GP but using my imagination (For the same reason some people do not want to have children at all)

1. It is hard work
2. They do not enjoy little children (not everyone does, even those that have had them) / They do not enjoy the particular age of the kids
3. They like freedom and do not wish to be tied to say school hours for pickups etc etc
4. Poor health or low energy
5. Low confidence (that they can take care of the children/do it well)
6. They do not want to
7. They have many other interests e.g. studying, learning...
8. They like peace and quiet
9. They would prefer to help in other ways (financial for example)
10. They like to see you struggle (I mean not all GP are nice people)

So your grandmother watched the children so that your mother could work and do housework? What a wonderful opportunity for your mother to have someone to do that so that she could do more work.

Isn’t it blindingly obvious why your mother didn’t want to? You’ve said yourself your father commuted and worked long hours. So the flip side of that is that she didn’t everything isn’t it? She’s had enough. Your father lived quite the charmed life didn’t he? Got to focus on his career as his wife did everything alone, then no more work at 60, just when the kids were old enough, then he got to enjoy his grandchildren. Lucky man.
are you trying to give yourself a get out clause for not giving your mum any time? You won’t get it from me I’m afraid.

I’m starting to wonder if there’s an idea floating somewhere around euthanasia for older (costly) people - or not if they add value by doing childcare.

They finally have free time after years of slog at work and need to pay into pensions/ pay off mortgages.

I don’t help with childcare as I’m tired and don’t have the patience or energy to have them on my own I adore them and love spending time with them and their parents, I love taking them shopping with me but only one at a time and holidaying with them all.

My mum has a really active retirement. Holidays and clubs and sports and I’m so happy for her. She’s done her bit with childcare when I was young. I paid a professional to look after mine at nursery until they went to school.

She's angry she's not getting her own way and she was shot down in flames on the other thread so she thought she'd have another go. Too much boxed wine I suspect 😅

It’s down to the individual person. I don’t think you can generalise. As you said your own mum had help but didn’t want to help you but your dad helped lots when he retired.

I don’t think you need to help with regular childcare to have a good relationship with your grandkids. Surely just visiting, staying in touch and taking them on days out etc is enough. She sounds like she just wasn’t interested in them so as you say has a cheek to wonder why they don’t visit.

Some grandparents can’t do enough but some are also taken advantage of. My own mum worked full time and used to watch my sisters kids on her 2 days off to enable her to work. Meant she cldnt have any wkends off as her days were set so she cld watch the kids. It was her choice ofcourse but she felt so bad for my sister and knew they needed the money. My sisters mil said she wld watch her first child when born (even told my sis not to go part time she wld watch child full time). Luckily my sister went part time as mil changed her mind just before she was due to go back to work! Something I hear a lot of mumsnet!

This is a good point. I was SA by my grandmother's husband.

Because maybe its the last thing you want to do????

She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out.

Did your mother not work and do housework? Maybe she was burnt out. Presumably you're not caring for your children while you're working, just like your mother didn't care for you while she was working.

I had my first child at 20. He's now 27 and my youngest is 15. I've worked full-time the entire time I've had them. I've been caring for other people for more than half my life. At some point I would like to have the freedom to only have to care for myself and do what I want to do. It really doesn't seem like that much to ask for.

You present the argument like there are only two choices for older people @oldFoolMe

• Work longer and pay into a pension
• Look after your grandchildren

Is that how older people are viewed? That they just have to serve, serve and serve again until they go into a care home, at which point their disgruntled DCs will come on and complain how their "inheritance" is being chipped away at?

Shakespeare had it right - "sharper than a serpents tooth".

It seems the total opposite in fact.

I'll ask again: could you not be bothered to read the MANY responses on the previous, recent threads?

you do realise that many many people don't have any family help with their DC at all? And do just fine? And don't begrude their parents for it?

This is my situation and I have 5 gc