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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

462 replies

oldFoolMe · 16/04/2026 11:27

Genuinely curious why as a grandparent, you wouldn’t want to help if you could.
Firstly i am not a grandparent and can only speak of my own experience.
My father got made redundant at 60 so took an early retirement.
He adored my children, said it was an absolute blessing that he had a chance to spend time with them. He worked and commuted his whole life so he said he was making up for lost time as he wasn’t able to spend that time with us as children. He was so helpful and my children had an amazing bond with him until he died.
My mother however explained that she had given up her life to bring us up (didn’t gave us until she was late thirties), and now she wanted to do what she wanted to do and that did not involve small children. Her mother helped with childcare and she was able to work and again we had a real special bond with our grandmother. We used to pop round regularly to see her long after the childcare stopped. My grandmother was great and had excellent stories and we learnt so much from her. She taught us how to cook, and helped my mum with housework.
Now my mum is approaching 80, she’s lonely and surprised that my own children don’t pop round, but they don’t have the same bond.
She expects the same help that she gave her mother, but working full time the weekend is the only chance I have to catch up on housework and quite honestly I’m burnt out.
Secondly with so many horror stories of children being abused in a nursery, if you were able to why wouldn’t you want to look after a child you love rather than strangers?

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 16/04/2026 12:09

thinktoomuchtoooften · 16/04/2026 11:29

This is becoming the most repetitive conversation on here

Right?! It's multiple times a day at the moment!

Beachtastic · 16/04/2026 12:08

oldFoolMe · 16/04/2026 12:04

I think it’s that - different scenarios. My grandmother didn’t work and had the time and energy to look after us as children. My mum didn’t work when i had my children either but had no desire to help at all.

Edited
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You do sound a bit gleeful about your DM being lonely as she gets older, OP. You say you don't judge her, but it sounds as though you are rather enjoying not having the time or energy to visit her more often.

m1ghtl1ke · 16/04/2026 12:07

I have young kids and no help. I won’t be providing regular childcare when/if I have grandkids. I want to travel and enjoy hobbies. Of course I will help out in emergencies but that’s it.

gamerchick · 16/04/2026 12:07

oldFoolMe · 16/04/2026 12:04

I think it’s that - different scenarios. My grandmother didn’t work and had the time and energy to look after us as children. My mum didn’t work when i had my children either but had no desire to help at all.

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Which is her right. You need to get on with it.

You chose to have a job with a commute. That's on you.

4timesthefun · 16/04/2026 12:07

I must have missed some of the other threads. I can broadly understand OP’s question though, not so much around structured/scheduled childcare but my own mother is definitely less interested in being around her grandchildren than my grandparents were. Babysitting aside, some of my fondest memories were sleepovers at my grandparents and outings with them. Childcare wasn’t a regular thing but they were a hugely present part of my life. I remained incredibly close to them as I got older, and was the one that sat with them in those final hours. I actually think my mum is the one missing out. I don’t need childcare but she is really missing out on establishing close relationships with her own grandchildren, and that strikes me as sad for both her and the kids. It’s not really that sad for me personally. I have enough money to outsource the village. Assuming no unforeseen medical issues, I would strive to be much more like my own grandparents.

VickyEadieofThigh · 16/04/2026 12:07

oldFoolMe · 16/04/2026 12:02

But i do want to, but having to work full time, the long commute and no help i don’t have the energy or time to. My mum had paid off her mortgage and was able to work less to help with her own mother more, I don’t have that option .

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Asking again: could you not be bothered to read all the many answers given on the previous threads?

yousoundabitthick · 16/04/2026 12:05

oldFoolMe · 16/04/2026 12:04

I think it’s that - different scenarios. My grandmother didn’t work and had the time and energy to look after us as children. My mum didn’t work when i had my children either but had no desire to help at all.

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Good for her.

gamerchick · 16/04/2026 12:05

MsJinks · 16/04/2026 11:49

I’m starting to wonder if there’s an idea floating somewhere around euthanasia for older (costly) people - or not if they add value by doing childcare.

Well it would sort the inflated welfare bill that people keep banging on about right out.

Wexone · 16/04/2026 12:04

As of April 2026, Australian man Charles Smith is the world's oldest first-time grandfather, having become a grandpa at 91 years and 209 days old.
Great he is 91 but dont think he can help much with childcare can he?
Do you not think that some grandparents are physically not able ?

Original poster
oldFoolMe · 16/04/2026 12:04

Upsetbetty · 16/04/2026 12:00

My guess is because they’re fucking tired!! both my parents still at work and they’re mid 60s. My grandmother looked after me sometimes, and looked after my cousin pretty much all the time. But she didn’t work. She was on benefits, disability benefits, so that was a completely different scenario. I don’t expect of my mum and I never did.

I think it’s that - different scenarios. My grandmother didn’t work and had the time and energy to look after us as children. My mum didn’t work when i had my children either but had no desire to help at all.

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 16/04/2026 12:04

CollsR · 16/04/2026 11:54

I understand your question. I don't have an answer.

I have found that the grandparents least likely to help, are the ones most confused why the grandkids don't have a strong bond with them.

I know my parents needed help from grandparents, aunts & uncles and got a bunch of it. Now they don't really want to help with grandkids.

My situation is unique because my partner and I are immigrants, so all grandparents live abroad. When my parents visit they sit on the sofa & watch TV. When I ask them to watch the toddler while I prep dinner they agree... but they literally just watch and then yell for me to come if he's starring to climb a bookshelf or needs a nappy change. They don't help with domestic chores. They do want lots of smiling picture with the toddler, but try force him to pose with them. I make them play a bit on his terms and then get great smiling pics.

My partner's parents are very different. They cook and help clean up. They play with the toddler on his level. They will watch him alone for 30mins no problem. They will change a nappy.

I think some people just are good with kids, and some people are more selfish.

In the end, you reap what you sow.

Edited

My parents (mostly my mum) did weekly childcare for all 5 of their grandchildren (spanning 25 years as my 2 brothers are 12 years apart) and for one of their great grandchildren.

3 of the GC had great relationships with my parents. 2 never went to see them from one year to the next as adults and one of these regularly dumped her own child on them - and didn't even get out of the car at drop off and pick up. Parents were in their 80s by then.

This one didn't go to see mum for several years, including when she was bedridden and dying from cancer. After mum's death, she didn't go to see my dad, either. Not once.

She lived half a mile away.

yousoundabitthick · 16/04/2026 12:03

This reply has been deleted

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HelpMeGetThrough · 16/04/2026 12:03

My other reason is, young kids are a pain in the arse. Couldn’t wait to get out of that stage with ours.

OutsideLookingOut · 16/04/2026 12:03

I wonder if people who can't understand why GP's might not wish to do childcare do not understand why people are childfree? Or why people choose different things in life? It just takes a little bit of imagination, surely.

Original poster
oldFoolMe · 16/04/2026 12:02

FookFookFook · 16/04/2026 11:42

Why is a grandparent not wanting to look after grandchildren different to you not wanting to look after your elderly mother? Many would say they can't understand why you wouldn't do that.

But i do want to, but having to work full time, the long commute and no help i don’t have the energy or time to. My mum had paid off her mortgage and was able to work less to help with her own mother more, I don’t have that option .

OP posts:
gamerchick · 16/04/2026 12:01

oldFoolMe · 16/04/2026 11:36

Definitely a choice, no obligation my mother didn’t want to and I don’t begrudge her, the same as I’m not obligated to help her. I do what I can and what I have the capacity for

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Well exactly OP. Not sure why you're asking (again). You're not obliged to help her out at all.

My grand baby is a light in my life, I take him all over doing fun stuff, but I wouldn't commit to regular childcare to allow for work. Even if I didn't work. Things have changed. If you choose to have babies then you need to get on with it. You're not entitled to someones life like that.

IAmJustATeacherWhatDoIKnowAboutAnything · 16/04/2026 12:00

I don't understand why this question keeps cropping up. The answers are a) obvious and b) have been explained many times.

I'm not a grandparent yet although we have four adult children in our immediate family.

I have spent 27 years parenting. And my entire career has been other people's children. I will he happy to provide ad hoc baby sitting and to spend time with my grandchildren if/when they arrive but I don't have any desire, inclination or willingness to provide 'childcare' for any of them. And it wouldn't be expected of me either.

Upsetbetty · 16/04/2026 12:00

My guess is because they’re fucking tired!! both my parents still at work and they’re mid 60s. My grandmother looked after me sometimes, and looked after my cousin pretty much all the time. But she didn’t work. She was on benefits, disability benefits, so that was a completely different scenario. I don’t expect of my mum and I never did.

Octavia64 · 16/04/2026 11:58

Cos I am severely disabled.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/04/2026 11:58

Not happy with trying to guilt trip grandparents, you throw that snide little barb at the end for parents who use nurseries.

Id guess the answer to your question is: they don’t want to

SpainToday · 16/04/2026 11:58

Mumsnet has a bloody strange obsession with trying to wring every drop of hard labour from their ageing parents, that's for sure.

Definitely this. I hear it more on MN than I do in real life

Pancakeorcrepe · 16/04/2026 11:57

It’s very simple, it’s because looking after children is hard work and not everyone wants to do it. Especially if they already spent x amount of years doing it.

yousoundabitthick · 16/04/2026 11:56

MsJinks · 16/04/2026 11:49

I’m starting to wonder if there’s an idea floating somewhere around euthanasia for older (costly) people - or not if they add value by doing childcare.

Mumsnet has a bloody strange obsession with trying to wring every drop of hard labour from their ageing parents, that's for sure, so wouldn't be surprised if they thought bumping them off so they could get their hands on the inheritance faster would be a good plan.

sickofthissick · 16/04/2026 11:56

We have three brilliant and lovely grandchildren between 6 and 10 years old. We absolutely adore them and offer to help when our daughter needs us too (single student mother) She, however, totally respects that we brought up three busy and tiring children ourselves and will only ask if she really needs to. They are hard work and we're in our 60s, so it is exhausting having them for full days - although I never ever say no. On average we'll have all or some of them maybe monthly for a day. It's mutual understanding and respect and it doesn't mean any of us love each other any less. I offer a lot and mean it but her ex's parents, through their choice, because he is a wanker and waste of space, have them every other weekend, so she gets time to study and be herself then.

brunetteorblonde · 16/04/2026 11:56

I wouldn't do childcare because after years of full-time work, I want the freedom to do what I want without being tied down. Saying that, I would do emergency childcare , if not on holiday, and I would babysit. As someone who was a single parent (all GPS dead and dc father dying when they were young) I would have been delighted with that level of support and would think someone was a cf for expecting more.