AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

I feel tired just imagining it!

So your father, who told you that he felt he'd missed out on parenting small kids, enjoyed helping with grandkids, and your mother, who told you that she had done so much parenting that she didn't want to do more, doesn't, and here you are asking BUT WHY IS THERE A DIFFERENCE. They literally told you.

mine lives across the road!

Isn't what "sad"? I don't understand.

My mother is retired, and I don't ask her to do any of my childcare. At all.

I pay for my world, including all childcare, and I do not begrudge her a penny of it.

She's still a "mother" to me. 100% participation. She doesn't have to look after my children on a regular basis in order to keep her accreditation active with me as "mother".

You deserve a medal and probably a nap 😀

oh and its this "women need to do housework child rearing" thing... of course we do and its a blessing to be able to do that for your family! Of course men helping is important too. But woman feel so "bogged down" due to mind set to be honest.

It really is

Like your mother I had kids in my late 30's and I'll be mid 60's when my kids finish uni so a) unless they have children very young it won't be a factor and b) the reason I'll be working until I am 70 is because I had them late and will be funding them all the way through school and uni as I should.

I have no intention of starting a post retirement career as a nanny. Emergency care fine but being a SAHM wasn't for me and I'd be a sh*t full time carer in my late 60's and 70's.

Nor do I expect my kids to run around after me in my dotage for that matter. DH not so much, he doesn't currently see the link in staying in a family size house and the burden it will create if it is impractical should we have the good luck to grow very old together.

No child should assume their parents will provide free full time care for their grandchildren. Lovely for those who enjoy such a privilege but frankly it's just putting off the inevitable point where the state needs to subsidise proper professional childcare to keep people in work and the birth rate up. Ditto care of the elderly.

I raised my own kids without any family support. I worked in a boarding school raising other people’s kids. I’m done with childraising now.

I love my kids and many grandchildren, but I have always been clear that I don’t do childcare any more, and they don’t expect it. I love them all, we have really good times together, but there’s no expectation or pressure for me to look after anyone. I have only once stepped in, during a very serious one-off family emergency.

Do I feel guilty? Heck, no. Do they resent it? Of course not - they are well organised, competent parents who choose to see me because I’m their Mum, not because I’m free childcare.

Too old/too unfit/they find it too tiring.
IMO it’s all too easy when you’re a parent in e.g. your late 20s/early 30s to fail to realise how much more tiring young children can be when you’re in your 60s/70s.

A pre-mobile baby that can be guaranteed to have two good long naps during the day, is a very different matter from an energetic 2 or 3 year old who no longer naps and needs to be watched more or less every second.

There is a 20 yr gap between my eldest dc and youngest. I have been parenting for 38yrs. I'm tired. I don't want to babysit.

and isnt it sad...I mean, you are a mother until the day you die.

Why? Because if people spent years bringing up their own children, then years working, when they retire they want to be able to choose their own activities, spend time on hobbies etc., for the first time in their lives. Plus looking after small children is very tiring and older people tire much more quickly. Not that anyone owes you or anyone else an explanation for their choices.

I spent many years bringing my own children up largely on my own. I work full time still and I value my free time. Much as I love my gc and enjoy seeing them, it's not my job to actually look after than more than every now and then.

Your grandmother didn't set a historical precedent @oldFoolMe .

Your mother doesn't owe you anything, having paid for and raised you.

You are not entitled to the same standard of living as anyone who has come before in your family, or the same perceived "advantages".

I hope that helps you.

I think you are being very unfair with the comparison between your mum and your dad. Your dad told you himself that he was enjoying helping with grandchildren because he was so absent during your childhood. Maybe if he had been a better dad and husband, your mum would be more keen to look after grandchildren now. But because your dad was barely a presence, your mum had to do more than her fair share. She is the one who put the most into raising kids, perhaps you should appreciate her a bit better.

I think in older, more family minded times... the grandparents helped, and there was more of a village for us, but it just goes to show how much society has sadly changed and become more selfish and not as family minded. Its "well you had kids... I am not helping as bla bla bla..." I do not like it either. My own mother does not help much, says can not cope with it. I am in survival mode a lot. I find it cruel if they can help then they do not help as their own self is more important then I find that sad.

I will he happy to provide ad hoc baby sitting and to spend time with my grandchildren if/when they arrive but I don't have any desire, inclination or willingness to provide 'childcare' for any of them.

I think this is what a grandparent's role should be. My parents had both died by the time I was 23, but my in-laws both have a wonderful relationship with my kids, and they've never provided regular childcare. They would occasionally help out if one of the kids was too sick for daycare and my husband and I weren't able to get off work. And then they have taken them on their own for days out here and there even sometimes a week at a time for visits. I think that's their role as grandparents; to do the fun stuff.

Love this.

And she's so pleased her kids don't visit her mum much. Truth be told, OPs mother is probably glad of the peace, who'd want this sort of person visiting? OP would be eyeballing the china and the silver and trying to figure out how to use her mother to her advantage the whole time.

YABU.

Not everybody wants to look after small children.

Let’s face it, according to MN, a grandparent’s place is in the wrong.

It's cropped up this time because the OP is stubborn, hates being told no and is none too bright. She thinks other people are furniture for her to arrange to suit her wants, and doesn't really see her mother as a human being with equal rights to OP. OP has crippling main character syndrome.