AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

I’m not a grandparent but I have no intention of providing regular care when I am. Why?

because im fucking knackered! I had my children in my early 30’s, I’m now 58 and juggling full time work with caring for 2 adults in their early 20’s with asd. For the last 25 years I’ve put my own needs on the back burner while looking after everyone else’s and when I finally get the opportunity to retire I’d like to have the option of doing a bit of travelling, having some hobbies and doing some voluntary work that interests me and if it’s not too fucking late actually putting my own health and fitness first.

In my 20’s I worked 2 jobs to make ends meet, I’ve been working since my teens and I’m sick to the back teeth of the rhetoric that woman devote themselves to the needs of their offspring from the minute those offspring are born until the day mother dies. For the love of God can we not have a life of our own EVER AGAIN?

again... this is flawed mindset (boring?)

There's quite a lot of judgement in your subsequent posts though. Why do you think that is?

You're as transparent as fuck OP. I'm glad that most responses see right through your little demonisation attempt

personally speaking, I am not looking for a full time grand parent carer. I just need more help in general but do not get it. No real interest in the kids. She lives across the road too... she is far too self absorbed. It has affected how my eldest sees her.

Now my mum is approaching 80, she’s lonely and surprised that my own children don’t pop round, but they don’t have the same bond.

Well - because they had Grandad. Maybe she felt she wasn't a natural like him. Maybe her contribution was to give Grandad the space to spend time with them while she cracked on with work or whatever. Maybe she didn't realise that you popping in at the weekend was conditional on how much childcare she offered. Grandchildren can love their grandparents despite not being looked after by them. Unless of course, they've been brought up to view the less hands on grandparent in a negative light.

But you're not being relied upon for regular daily childcare, you've chosen to do what you're comfortable with. I assume your children don't begrudge you this?

Because it’s tiring and a bit boring.

I think people can do what they like but I do struggle to understand why someone like my mum for example is so uninvolved with her grandchildren when she herself relied so heavily on her own parents, my grandparents - who looked after all of us at various times and had/have ongoing relationships independent of my mum. My mum doesn't have an independent relationship with any of her grandchildren and none of them will visit her outwith the context of a wider family visit when they're older. She complains she's lonely but honestly doesn't do much and has never done much to maintain relationships. Obviously a grandparent-grandchild relationship doesn't have to be within the confines of childcare but if you're talking about young children, looking after them because they literally need looked after is the most obvious way to build the relationship. And if you don't build that relationship, you can't expect one to magically appear when they're older.

If it's the decision you make, basically don't complain about the lack of relationship that is most commonly built through supporting your children with their children.

Lots of people didn’t enjoy parenting when it was their own children, so I can imagine don’t want to do that. My MIL was firmly in that camp. I didnt leave DD with her as her behaviour was dangerous and she was more interested in getting her to eat chocolate at 2 months ‘because it would be funny’.

She did however expect her GC to adore her though even though she spent very little time with them and avoided interacting with them if she could. DH loved his GM who didn’t do much care as she seemed to get very old early but was interested and engaged with him.

No, you can't, can you? You haven't got the mental capacity to understand that you're not the whole world and millions of people disagree with you. And you really really hate being told "No" 😆

In this case, the people not visiting weren't very nice. But let's face it, you just cannot manage to understand that other people are not you and don't have to share your wants and feelings. You should see someone for that.

This is beautiful. Well done for being a good family member, I am sure your family appreciate this. Someone nice on here, fab!

I think it’s possibly cultural. I’m in Ireland and every single one of my friends/ family (in laws) have help and support from grandparents. This includes pre school care, school pick ups, holiday help and regular babysitting. Families tend to live closer together which might help. I can’t wait to get the opportunity to have grandchildren (if I’m lucky) and would help with caring for them.

This again?

I never really even met my grandparents as grew up a hours train drive away and no one drove. I have no memories of them. My fil never wants to see the kids and mil moved to another continent. Doesn't see us as at when she comes over for months at a time bar asking for lifts to airports. Then gets upset there isn't the family bonds she had as a child.

She grew up in The same town as her family, the all got together regularly and made a bond a priority. Seeing her cousins on her visits are her priority now. Times change and the grandparents generation more want to prioritise other things generally. But you can only build memories if you make them.

Now my two eldest are over 18 and they automatically stay home, tag along to outings and have their own prioritise. I do wonder if there has been a degree of putting off building bonds till the kids are less hard work and adults. Buy in turn the boys are at / going to uni hundreds of miles away. The window of childhood is small. Mine don't have that bond either. I'm not sure it's going to suddenly kick in after they all get to frail to travel to us decades of refusing us visiting them. But surely that was the plan all along?

It's not what I want when I'm a grandparent. Surely there's a balance to be had. Seeing your grandkids regularly while not being regular child care. I'd like to think I'd be availing a emergency like I'd expect my kids to be there if got sick and needed support.

I voted YABU for the shitty nursery-shaming comment.

haha ok so people in survival mode are filthy? you are a nasty person. Have a nice day...

"for us, but I completely understand that's not how lots of other people feel of course"

I finished your sentence for you. YW :)

My grandparents didn't help because two of them were already dead by the time I was born, and anyway, they lived abroad. The other two also lived abroad, so we rarely saw them.
My parents didn't help, because they were already deceased by the time my kids came along. My (ex) partner's parents lived 250 miles away.
Does everyone in mumsnet live round the corner from their parents?

And yet your selfish and filthy attitude affects how absolutely everyone views you dear.

Biggest joy in our lives is having a relationship and caring for our GC.
We have them to stay at least one night a week and sometimes have a few hours or a few days with them.
I will agree it’s, at times, exhausting but so worthwhile.
My mother and father were very selective (never any offers) with looking after my children and got no joy from it.
And my DC had no relationship with them. In fact they felt disliked by them.

I think it's because they just keep being overwhelmingly told "stop being so selfish and stupid your mother has earned a rest" and they hate that answer.
So they keep flogging a dead horse because like any toddler they can't just leave it, have to keep pulling at the thread hoping they will win against reality this time.

its a case by case basis isnt it. If you are all set and your mother knows that then I am happy for you. That is great and how I wish it was for everyone. Not all of us are though and our mothers selfish attitude affects how we see them as people.

In my case Im a grandmother of 7. Im 59. I Work full time and will do until i am 67. . Also have an elderly DM who is 87. Im the sandwich in the middle . I do help out with babysitting as & when i can but its exhausting. Not al DGP are retired with no responsibilties. My DC in Laws are all older and not working and do help when they can. By the time i retire my GDC will not require me to look after them but my DM may need me more than ever in the coming years.!

Both my grandparents didn’t really engage with us children. My paternal were more interested but a bit old fashioned so didn’t do “emotional” connection but when we visited, they made a fuss. Maternal was so disinterested .

My daughter’s grandparents don’t live near. One set are retired and go away but have only visited us once.

I have a family friend and his mother who have acted like grandparents to my daughter. When she draws family trees, she can’t workout why we can’t add them. If anything like they needed help or went into a home, I know for a fact, she’d be wanting to visit them as often as possible as they have a bond.

To expect kids to bond with people who have shown little interest in them, is just odd. If you don’t want to help, you don’t have to. But it goes both ways. No one wants to be part of a village until they need the village.