AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

Firstly I'm not a grandparent

Which is why you cannot understand why some don't want to be regular unpaid childminders.
I was a very young grandparent, mid 40s when he was born and I was the type that was going to give up my entire life to devote to my grandchildren. The reality was/is that I get tired much more easily, have a lot less patience and I have to adhere to the rules of the parents, which I don't always agree with or want to follow. Working full time in a stressful job is much easier than looking after young children.

They have raised their own children and grandchildren are the parents responsible. If DGP want a close relationship then meet on a Sunday afternoon. They should not be expected to commit to childcare.
I see a lot of Women and Men in their 70’s collecting DGC. The grandad’s are usual widowed. The wife has been worn out.

I am really happy to see the OP is being rightfully put in her place :) Can't be arsed reading any more of this repetitive rubbish though.

OP and her very few supporters entire argument is 'I WANT YOU TO I WANT YOU TO I WILL SCREAM AND SCREAM AND SCREAM UNITL I'M SICK IF YOU DON'T DO WHAT I SAY!!!!!"

To which the only correct answer is "Don't want to. Not going to"

And there's not one thing OP or any of the other selfish cheeky fuckers with zero empathy and no ability to even understand that other people aren't them can do about it.

Good. I will toddle off now and leave you to look after your own kids while you have a tantrum about it 😆

My youngest is 7. My mother is about to turn 82, my father died before my youngest was born and my inlaws are 84 with cancer and dementia respectively.

None of them are what I'd class as suitable childcare. They all have a great relationship with my kids, it's just supervised 99 percent of the time.

I grew up in a different country to my grandparents. One set made an effort, letters, postcards, phonecalls... one didn't. So then as a teenager, I was close to one set, regularly staying by myself and barely had a relationship with the other.

You suit your name beautifully.
And obviously in your case you not looking after GC is a blessing as your nastiness would be of no benefit to them or your DC.

I have no grandchildren yet but I’m at an age where my children are the age where they may come along.
Rearing my children was the most difficult time in my life, fraught with challenges. I love my children to bits but I’m looking forward to some freedom. I will love grandchildren, babysit when I can, take them for days out, but I will not commit to a regular pattern of looking after them.
I understand some people wanting to do this, but I don’t understand how they don’t get that people are not all the same.

I hardly ever saw one set of grandparents growing up. We lived too far away. But I adored them- adored them! - when I saw them because they were hilarious and had some really funny ways. I loved asking them questions and learning stuff about their lives. Who knows if my mum resented them for anything? She probably did, being in-laws, but she NEVER badmouthed them to us kids and we loved them, even if we hardly saw them. Later on in life I happened to move nearby to my Grandma and it was the pleasure of my life to be able to visit her in those final years.

Absolutely it's like a bot has got a bone!

@oldFoolMe

I think you've hit the nail on the head!

I find it really interesting that these threads always become about the expectation for grandparents to provide care, but I don’t know anyone who expected full-time grandparents childcare so they could work full-time! I do know that myself and others who don’t have any support would love to have a grandparent nearby to maybe babysit occasionally help with so the school pickups or ferry kids to different clubs to reduce the load, also just to be an active involved in loving grandparent who formed a strong bonded with the kids. I don’t think you have to be providing full-time childcare to be a good grandparent & build a bond, but I guess what I don’t really understand is if you are in a position to offer help - NOT a full-time childcare position but make life a little bit easier for your children and your grandchildren then why wouldn’t you do it? If my mum lived closer (and if she was that type of grandparent) I would love to have another pair of hands for when shit hits the fan! Or even to willingly pick my daughter up from school in the afternoon and just spend some time with her!

This question needs to be turned completely on its head. Why do mums of this generation expect their mother or mother-in-law to constantly step in and raise their grandchildren?

I never had a grandmother. My mother never showed any interest in my DD. I couldn’t have cared less. I just got on with raising the child I chose to have. If my DD has a child, I have no idea what that relationship will look like but I know I don’t want to be doing regular childcare. I also don’t expect my DD to look after me in my old age.

This has got to be a wind up now…

Some people just don't like looking after children.

Thank you @Teainapinkcup

Oh I thought you'd just forgotten to write it because you'd have to be absolutely doolally not to understand that it's not your place, not your right and not reality for you to foist your wants onto other people.

Well, now you do know that. YW :)

Why is that your responsibility as her daughter-in-law are not responsibility of her son her actual child? You don’t have to do it 🤷‍♀️ especially for someone who didn’t do it for you!

Oh, good for your mum. You very very much DO have a problem with it, obviously, but it's good you didn't get away with turning her into your unpaid servant.

If I felt that I’d have written it!
I don’t understand tbh, why wouldn’t you help your children and GC unless of course they were vile.
Anyway, I don’t need you to speak for me, but TY.

Yes, your mindset is flawed. You should try to broaden your outlook.

I will look after my grandchildren if asked, but I don't do it on a regular basis. I made it clear to all mine that I wouldn't be doing child care for them . I will help out occasionally, but that is it.

My youngest grandson is 2 and I find it really hard work looking after him. He is a big boy and I can't lift him, which can make it difficult getting out and about.

I worked full time all my adult life, mostly as a single parent. I have no energy at late 60's to be looking after young children.

I will start by saying I have never expected my parents to provide regular childcare for me (as in to replace nursery or to enable me to work).

But not long after I told my parents I was pregnant, my mum said that she was not retiring to be my childcare. Both she and dad retired aged 60 shortly after I had DC1. They said it was not their place to be childminder or nursery for their grandchildren and instead intended to enjoy their retirement doing their own thing. They have looked after my DC in school holidays (max 3 or 4 weeks a year over easter, summer and october) and maybe babysat one night a year.

I had no problem with that. I never expected them to do anything but enjoy their retirement. I went back to work part time and used a nursery for both DC as DH and I always intended.

However my Gran looked after my sister full time when my mum went back to work. It was expected of her. Mum was a SAHM after I was born, but she still never saw any irony in her telling me how awful the thought it was that some of her friends' ungrateful children demanded grandparents did the childcare. But... she and my dad... did the same.

She's a nasty one tbh. But all these mums on here slagging off their parents for not being their slaves are nasty pieces of work. Every last one of them.

Grandmothers are often still working. And if retired they perhaps want a break.

Of course they are still expected to look after the grandchildren otherwise their adult children will cut them off.