AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

Oh my god what is wrong with people? After a gazillion threads about this this week, the answer (if you can't be arsed to read the multiple identical threads which, quite frankly, you should have) is that grandparents might still work, or they are too elderly, or they live far away, or they just don't fancy it. There is no obligation to look after grandkids, especially in a full time 'commercial' capacity, so you save on money on a nursery. Why on earth do you think they should? And, as I've said before, back in the real world plenty (most) people have wonderful grandparent/grandchildren relationships that last for years based on just weekend visiting/monthly lunches out/zoom calls/yearly stays. Seeing each other whenever we can as a loving, normal family, with ups and downs. You don't need to provide full time childcare (or even a set day a week) in order to have a good relationship with your grandkids; nor do relationships formed through regular childcare in the early years necessarily equal good, long-lasting ones. How difficult is this for you to understand? Jeez

I know and it’s not my husband with the expectation either. I don’t work. My MIL & SIL have fallen out and at a family party his aunt collared me and said we can see she needs more help and it wouldn’t hurt me to take her shopping once a week. I live a 45 minute drive away! I did say she could get her shopping delivered but she wants to get out the house so buys her shopping every few days. She just said she needs the help and that my hubby is her son. The annoying thing is my MIL has actually done a lot for her in the past few years and I think it’s a damn cheek that she should then expect this off me. She owes her more than I do.

What do you mean "if you are all set", @Teainapinkcup ?

I work hard, like you most likely do. My choice of career however has allowed me to pay for childcare options.

What I think is really happening is that the unspoken thing in British society today is that women with children who aren't high earners, rely on unpaid childcare from grandparents.

The same grandparents who, 40 years ago, were around when Thatcher changed the dial from a wages economy, to a "house prices" economy.

Which leaves us in a mad situation where

• Some people have been given house deposits by their parents, had children, but wages are low enough that they still want MORE from their parents and 'require' childcare to maintain the standard of living they expect
• Some people aren't happy with their life compared to others, and in order to go out and do the things they feel entitled to do, they want to palm their kids back on to their parents, so they can live the life

If I was a grandparent, I would absolutely help out wherever I could. Why would I not want to help if a family member - my own child - needed/asked it and I was able to?
I understand grandparents don’t want to do full time child care in their retirement - I’d not want to commit to all day every day - but those that won’t even help out when they are able are really a mystery to me.

My mum was mid 40s she was working had a younger child at home and a difficult husband she didn't need any more on her plate. So like you didn't have the time or probably the inclination.

Er, because childcare is boring, thankless drudgery and the only good reasons for doing it are that you are being paid or the children are your own.

Maybe because they’ve done their time with young children and would rather enjoy the grandparent relationship without the ties?

I do think that some parents think their children should be the most important thing in the lives of every family member and they get affronted when they aren’t.

Have a look at the responses on the other eleventy billion threads to give you an idea.

I don't have a problem. I am happy they can enjoy their retirement - not everyone gets to retire or gets to enjoy it.

I find it amusing that they have a go about their friends' ungrateful demanding children who demand the grandparents provide childcare, but have forgotten that they themselves were those demanding children who expected childcare from one of their parents.

At no point in my plans for children or during their gestation did I ever intend on asking my parents to be childcare. I merrily assumed (as did DH) that we would use a nursery and crack on with life.

How have I suggested that I wanted to turn my mum or either of my parenrs into unpaid servants? Are you suggesting good on my mum for turning my gran into her unpaid servant?

I rest my case..:

As a child I saw my grandparents when we went to visit them every Sunday. My children see their grandparents during holidays as they live in a different country. In both cases the grandparents are happy to babysit so we could have the odd evening out, or attend a wedding, or in an emergency, but there has never been any expectation of long term, 40 hours a week, childcare. That’s a HUGE commitment and expectation and it’s unreasonable to expect it of anyone, especially if they’re expected to do it for free or at very low cost. I remember one woman in that position starting a thread on here to ask if she was being unreasonable to ask her son and DIL to pay for their child’s food and nappies while he was with her! I suspect a lot of (mostly) grandmothers providing this sort of care would be much happier with two or three mornings a week and a family visit at the weekend.

I have loved being a mum but I don’t want to do childcare in my 60s and 70s. Of course I’ll help out but not routinely every week. Why? Looking after children is mentally and physically full on. I find noise and chaos difficult. I will have spent decades putting others first as well as juggling stressful full time work. I fully intend to put myself first once the nest is empty 😆

Because so many of today's grandparents belong to the most selfish generation to ever live. They are self obsessed, career obsessed, money obsessed, travel obsessed obsessed with staring into screens.
The selfish comments made by grandparents on here lately are vile. Your children are PEOPLE, not obstacles to be avoided at all costs. Your grandchildren are small people, who are learning, and won't be young for very long at all. Your families, that you CHOSE to have, are people with real everyday struggles. Ever heard of sharing the load? Living in community?
You selfish older people will reap exactly what you sow, absolutely nothing.

I have and will never have gc. Dh has 3. We don't do childcare although we are retired, late 60s and healthy.
Basically...we don't want to. Yes the odd day in holidays and emergency but our lives are busy...we go away every month and frankly I finished nappies 30 years ago!

Whoa, is there really any need to be that nasty and ageist?

Yanbu @oldFoolMe
My Mil is 82 now and my dc are teens. She has always helped me out with our sons without me asking for anything (sahm). It is her pleasure in life to be an involved grandmother and today she's having ds1 (16) over for lunch. He loves talking with her as does his brother (12). They are very close to their grandmother because she has spent so much time with them since they were born. Not rocket science.

Yes, this sums it up perfectly.

And with that, I'm offski to pastures new.

This is getting boring now. It's been all week. As a general rule, it's none of your business what other people do or don't do.

Why is anyone other than a parent caring for a child them 'raising' them?

I had 3 babies within 2and a half years and my mum was mid forties so still working, as was my mil who was widowed mid-thirties with 6 children . There was no way that I would expect childcare from either of them . My dad had had a series of strokes so he was out of the mix anyway . I stayed home till my youngest was 10 then worked part time for a couple of years . I then at 36 trained to be a nurse . I then worked full time till I retired at 58 due to a knee injury.
I have helped with childcare for the 3 of my grandchildren who live nearby , none of which I view as transactional.
although my DCs grandparents didn’t do any care for them they were all very close because grandparents lived close enough for myDCs to call round whenever they felt like . My grandparents didn’t care for me at anytime I still loved them very much and was close to them .

• Still working
• Already caring for older relatives
• Age makes people tired & small children are too exhausting
• Ill health
• Having spent a lifetime working, they want to travel or have a life of their own. Some people have interests that extend beyond families.

I'm 62, still working full time and with a teenager still at home. I couldn't provide childcare except in an emergency.

I assume her son is in the same boat though - no support with children but expected to care for an ailing mum. It does affect partners and the rest of the family all the same.

My mum is the same - when I was pregnant all my family spoke about how involved they were going to be and not a single one lived up to that. Now my mum is full on and demanding in her own care needs and I frankly do resent it. The ONLY reason I would have expected help from her is because she said she would give it. In 12 years she's been in my house less than 5 times, and it's not from lack of invitation. Now I'm running up and down and getting less time with my child at the weekends and when you're only doing something out of obligation and not because you want to, it builds that resentment. That goes for everyone - including grandparents and grandchildren. There's no point in that. So there should be no obligation - but for the love of god don't try to make other obligated to care for you either (not you, just general 'you').