AIBU to wonder why some grandparents avoid helping with childcare?

Regular childcare and babysitting the odd evening so you can have a night out or helping in an emergency are very different things. I understand why people don't want to do the former. Its a big commitment and differences in parenting styles can cause issues. But grandparents who don't want to do the latter are selfish and unkind in my opinion. Family is all about supporting each other and sharing experiences.

@Overwhelmedandtired I'm a "boomer" and it's a pejorative term by the way. It may surprise you that when my dc were born in the mid nineties, nursery cost £1250 pcm, 8am to 6pm. Grandmas helped in emergencies - for short breaks and once the dc were 5/6 would have them for a few days in the holidays. The children care deeply about their grandparents and have good relationships with them. They were 100 and 240 miles away.

Our parents brought up dh and me to be independent; we brought up our children to be independent.

I will be willing (for babysitting, half days and occasional w/e overnight - not regular childcare for work) ., I look forward to grandchildren, I will adore them and want to do what I can.

BUT:
I was an older parent (as was the trend) so will be older by the time my Dc have kids
As is the trend - they will also be older parents by the time they get round to it / can afford it - so I will be an even older grandparent
I retired later than grandmothers a generation ago because of the delay to state pension - so I have had little time to relax and enjoy my retirement.

Social and financial changes affect everything.

Because they don't enjoy childcare and, in some cases, don't like kids? There are lots of older people who had kids because it was "what you did", who if they'd been born later might have realized that being child free was an option, and taken it.

Because their kids don't teach their own kids to behave, and they're awful to be around?

Because they're not young any longer, and they get tired, and kids are tiring?

Because they see that life isn't getting any longer and they don't know how many years of being reasonably fit and mobile they have, and they have other things they want to do?

I know some women who are devoted mothers find it hard to fathom, but there are many people, of both sexes, for whom children are not in fact the be all and end all of life. Some people hated parenting the first time, and are bloody glad it's over.

😂😂😂

You're a card, aren't you!

I retired after working with children for 40 years. I've earned my freedom and don't feel guilty because I don't do childcare. I didn't have any relatives living nearby so had to pay for childcare. My daughter lives too far away for me to do regular childcare and says that she doesn't think grandparents should be expected to do it on a regular basis.

I have a friend whose husband is 72 and he drives 70 miles to his son's house and stays overnight 2 days every week to provide free childcare. Her parents who are 74 do the other 2 days.

I've been to toddler groups with my daughter and seen grannies who look about 80 trying to cope with boisterous toddlers. Physically I think a lot of grandparents aren't fit enough but don't want to risk falling out with family by refusing,

I said "some people". If you are going to accuse me of saying something it could at least be something I have said. Some people will not see children even their own/their grandchildren or their nieces or nephews as the joy of their lives. Such is life. You can't force them too and it is time we were honest about it.

As for the rest, I agree. I gave a multitude of reasons why a person may not want to look after their grandchildren.

I think there are valid reasons for not helping with childcare when you are still working yourself, physically unable or living too far away, or are estranged/do not have a good relationship, but if you are round the corner and have the time, and get on with your kids, my mind boggles when people don't help out at all. I wouldn't be doing it full time either but one day a week, sure and some overnight and weekend babysitting to give DDs a break, definitely. That's what we had and it was invaluable.

We also help the in-laws out and my parents when they were alive. Looking after their dogs, lifts from the airport, fixing their computer, taking them to appointments. We couldn't and wouldn't do, say, full time care if they had dementia and neither would we have expected nor wanted free full time care for grandchildren, but helping one another out within healthy/agreed parameters is just what families do as far as I'm concerned.

Completely agree with a lot of what you have said. I think the boomer generation, which makes up a lot of the grandparents currently being referred to, are being quite short sighted about the support they were given by their own parents, and their longer term relationships with their grandchildren.

I don't think anyone that doesn't actively want to should be expected to or tied in to regular childcare. Whether full time for pre school age or school pick ups. If a flexible arrangement can be sorted, that would be great for both sides but this can obviously be difficult to find ad hoc care if the grandparents what to go away or something, unless there are multiple grandparents able to cover each other. Full time can also be a lot for someone of an older age, and it is more common that grandparents are older now more people are having children older.

The hope of help is much greater now because of the cost of living crisis, so some awareness of this would also be nice. When I was a child it was possible to live reasonably comfortably with a single income of a middle managers salary. Now two full time incomes are needed, with a large chunk being used to pay for childcare. Mortgages/rent, food and bills take up a much larger chunk of take home income, so saving some money on childcare would help most families a lot.

However, a lot seem unwilling to look after their grandchildren alone at all. No ad hoc days, taking them for a few days in school holidays, covering the odd school closure, babysitting occasionally to allow the parents a little time alone. I include my own parents in this (my in laws try and would do more if they lived closer).

It will definitely affect their relationships with these grandchildren moving forwards. They won't be as close as they won't have spent the same quality time together as I did with my grandparents. Time away from the parents when you really get to know each other better. It is a time and energy investment that I would hope them to see a positive return from. Obviously not guaranteed, some of the grandchildren will be a**holes. I really hope they don't regret not taking the time now to start developing those relationships for the future.

What if they just don't enjoy it, OP? Not everyone enjoys rearing young kids, even their own.

I mean, your mum literally told you the reason why? I would also say its the same as 'I wonder why some people choose not to have children' and 'isn't it strange that some women have loads of kids and others only have 1'. Everyone is different, has different ideas about what they want from their lives and how they want to spend their time. Some parents enjoy every aspect of parenting, others will be happy never to look after small children again once theirs are grown up.

You are being unreasonable and, frankly, tedious.

This.
I have 45+ years of NI contributions. DH similar. We are mid 60s and still working - me part-time now.

The DC benefitted from us working and had the best educations money could buy. They are independent, partnered and reaching the baby stage which is fabulous.

They have no expectation that their father or I are available for regular, formal childcare. They know we would help and suppprt them in a heartbeat when things go tits up.

Mention had been made on this thread that elderly parents expect the suppprt of their dc when they become frail. I am supporting my mother, DH his. May I gently venture that nursing home fees are knocking £80k per annum. Nursery fees oth are about £25k pa. As a grannie I'd help the dc with the nursery fees.

There is also this: my mum had me when she was 23. (lived away from grandparents but that is by the by)

I had my DCs when i was 35+. My parents, because we also live away from them) visited, we visited them, and then when dc were older they went to stay with the GPs during summer holidays for a couple of weeks. This was to a) keep up a relationship and have fun together and b) help us out a bit with childcare (but that was never the priority for any of us)

my DC are unlikely to have DCs themselves, but they will be over 30. And i am still working because i have to work until i am at least 67. So - i will be a good chunk older than my own parents, and still working (mine had retired relatively young). So, no, regular "childcare" is not on the table.

Most people don't think differently. For most parents, their children are the absolute joys of their lives and they do NOT view grandchildren as chores or inconveniences. But that does not mean they need to offer full time childcare for the myriad of reasons mentioned above. Two very different things. Can you not get that? This insinuation that older women don't love their children or grandchildren enough if they don't mind them full time, or that they owe it to their daughters to do the childcare, or that their daughters won't care for them in older age unless they do so....it's all so vile

Yes, that is your choice. To suggest that grandparents (and presumably you mean women) hate children because they don't want to actually to bring up their grandkids is a pretty vile thing to say.

MiL moved around the corner to us when DS was 3. She wasn’t expecting us to have kids and certainly wasn’t expecting to enjoy her grandchild. But it was love at first sight.

We are careful what childcare we ask for and keep an eye on what are becoming quite strong physical disabilities.

But she wants to spend time with him. And he with her.

Kids here finish school at lunchtime. DS (9) walks to his Granny’s flat for lunch once a week, does his homework there and can walk home any time after 2pm. He usually stays longer and they bake or play board games.

I think one reason it works is that there is very little obligation there. She doesn’t have to pick him up or take him anywhere. He had been going twice a week but we noticed she was getting stressed with his picky eating, so I booked him into afterschool club an extra day instead. She can send him home any time after 2pm, which is only 90mins. Sometimes she does. Sometimes with unfinished homework, which he does largely independently. But mostly he’s there until 5pm. We provide anything he needs at hers. We also repeat that if she can’t do the afternoon any longer or needs something to change, tell us.

They have built such a bond and ease with each other that they now choose to spend time with each other. Sometimes she’ll phone and ask him to come round in the near future. She’ll book circus and theatre tickets for them both after checking with us - one of us drives them there and back. If he‘s off school sick she‘ll sometimes offer to take him. But with generous wfh policies and paid child sick days, we‘re not reliant on that. She’ll do any childcare we ask for, but we only ask for what we genuinely need.

We include her in a family day trip 1-2 times a month. I do her banking and technology, DH drives her to some appointments. But she also does what she can alone, and finds clever workarounds for what has become difficult.

Essentially, both sides are respectful of the other‘s time and needs.

That's not answering my question at all.

What do you view as looking after DGC in terms of why you started this thread? Your opening line was: Genuinely curious why as a grandparent, you wouldn’t want to help if you could – so, what kind of help are you talking about? Because the majority of PP are clearly happy to help, but don't want to commit to set days per week.

If you're saying you'd like set days and don't understand why any grandparent wouldn't agree to that – well, that's not just helping out and it shifts the tone of the thread. Doing set days week in week out is being their childcare provider.

My father couldn’t have given less of a shit about his grandchildren - same as his children! He retired on a final salary pension at 55 and went straight onto the golf course. I wouldn’t have wanted him to provide any childcare to my children as he was a terrible parent.

My mother retired just as I was having my first, and she did want to do some childcare. I went back part time and paid her properly to do it 2 days a week. I checked in regularly that she was fit and able and still willing, as I’d have happily moved him into a nursery. It was our choice to have a child, and our responsibility to look after him. Either that was one of us giving up work to care or working and paying for childcare. Otherwise you simply can’t afford to have children. Other people don’t have to fund your life choices, and the thought of then punishing them in old age for it by not visiting them is pretty cold and heartless. If they’ve been a good parent to you, surely you want to see them? If they’ve been a bad parent why would you want them to look after your own kids?

There’s no obligation on grandparents if they don’t want to or can’t. I would love to be an involved grandparent but not all the time and I want to enjoy my retirement after working for 40+ years. And I think that’s fair.

Seems that way, doesn't it?! Makes me glad I don't have children/grandchildren, tbh.

I don’t know - AI training maybe? I’ve had enough of it though…

I mean nobody said it had to be full time or that they were supposed to step in for parents in perpetuity.

But if people think differently, what do you expect them to do? I am very happy your daughter is the joy of your life. I think all children should be loved and adored.

However some people do not feel that because we are not all the same.

I also think it is a form of emotional blackmail to say that grandparents who don’t do childcare for their grandchildren are going to end up not having a relationship with them, @oldFoolMe.