AIBU to resent caring for my difficult elderly mum alone?

And he’s 65?

We have made it clear to our mum we won’t be caring for her. Yes we do stuff now so taking to appointments shopping etc but we have carers going in everyday.

my mums slightly younger than yours and we are all mid 60s and not in good health ourselves. Two of us also still work

when the time comes she will be moved into a care home

may sound harsh but we have to think of ourselves and our families as well

She can't be forced to go into a care home but you shouldn't be forced by your own sense of duty to basically ruin your life to care for her. I can't believe that you gave up your job to do this. Can you afford to do this?

She has no redeeming features, she has alienated her grandchildren due to the way she treated their mother and she is really someone that should reap what they have sown.

It’s a countdown then!

You missed his 60th
You haven’t been home for weeks
you missed a two week holiday
and you jacked in your job

Sorry @Fogey but @Dexterrr has a point. All of this is not fair on you at all, and not fair on your husband either. This is all affecting him too.

YABU. You gave up your job to look after her? Why? Just increase the carers or she goes in to a home. You’re not obliged to look after her. You may never be able to find another job once she’s no longer here

You don't have to though. As hard as it is, ring SS, tell them that she's on her own and vulnerable and just go.

There isn't a cat's in hells chance I'll be caring for my mother.

OP, just because your mother is bedridden doesn’t mean this is near the end. My Aunt was bedridden in a nursing home for 3 years.
Your relationship might be complicated but you can reduce what you do without out feeling guilty, especially if your mother is not nice to you.
Your mother is not being kind to you to expect you to impact on your life so much.
Yes, I don’t want to go into a home when I am older but there is no way I would want my adult children to have to look after me. I love them! I have already had that conversation with them.

Well my children were adults at the time, and at the time I had not realised she was in the early stages of dementia. She has been verbally abusive for as long as I remember, but I think the dementia meant that her mask slipped - it's long term complicated and you are right I should walk away but she's 96 and I can't.

I think she has to make a choice:
Either
She wants YOU to be there for a bit most days, in which case she has to move near you, like really near you!
Or
She values living where she is now, with friends etc around her, so she has to make it work with you only there occasionally because it's so far, which will mean paying for carers/emergency bell/home help extra or a care home place.

Ive posted almost exactly those words recently, about my own DM on the Cockroach café thread. I have also just said to my oldest friend tonight, some awful things about my own mother. The simple fact is, I just don't like her. We lost my dad a couple of years ago after the best part of a decade of needing constant care, and to be honest now she is ailing, I simply can't wait to get away from her and the goddamn caring. I truly have compassion fatigue, and sadly, because she and I are not emotionally or mentally compatible, she'll have to go into care if her health deteriorates as there is no way on earth I'm having here living with me. I would have dad here in a heartbeat as he was so much fun and I adored him. I've learned to protect myself a little with a few boundaries these days; it's hard-I wish her no harm, I just want nothing to do with her as being around her and her manner makes me feel like shit- every. single. time. I'm always saying "oh fuck off" in my head to her. I used to feel bad about it but didn't feel like this, ever over my dad, so I know it's a 'her' thing, not a 'me' thing. As the saying goes. we can choose our friends, but we can't choose our family. Try and out in the smallest boundary OP, for your own sanity. I also needed Sertraline to get me through my dads illness and her ridiculous expectations of support required during that time. X

The OP is virtually a pensioner herself! I couldn't comprehend having to look after a vicious-tongued, cruel woman, putting my own life on hold, and missing milestone celebrations to look after her. I know it's a tough decision but as a pp said, the OP will make herself ill running herself ragged for her mother. She needs to go into a home, NEEDS to. Or respite care.

@Fogey YANBU. My mother could be rude and a bit difficult, and was rarely grateful when I ran around like a headless chicken for her (even though I had a 3-days-a week job, and 2 primary school aged children.) But I was nowhere near the OP's age... My brother was expected to do NOTHING. He was not even married and had no children. (He was living with his girlfriend, 1 mile from mum, and came to see her once a month.) I went 3 times a week and lived 10 miles away. I ran around after my dad and her, doing chores, food shopping, life admin, and housework. Dad died several years before mum. It was such hard going at the time.

They died around 2 decades ago when I was around 40. I can't imagine for one second, looking after them and running around like crazy for them at SIXTY or older. (I am nearly at that age now.)

.

I’m really sorry you are in this situation, but I’m worried about what the respite plan is for 3 weeks time? Unless you have something concrete in place now it is something you need to prioritise. I work with families in your situation and all I can say is please do not give more of yourself than you are able. Sit down and think what would realistically be workable for you ( and not leave you destitute and without income /pension). Then give your mother the options and a date a decision needs to be made by. If she is unrealistic and refuses you may need (in the short term) to walk away and contact social services for an urgent care assessment.

otherwise this way burnout…

Goodness i wouldn’t be visiting her and I sure as heck wouldn’t be exposing my children to her

Exactly.
OP you can decide for yourself how much you want to do but should not decide for other people.
Just stop doing all this work and enjoy your own life. Your mother can have more carers or go into a home.
Agree with PP about going over to the Elderly Parents board.

If you stopped doing it she'd have to go to a care home. If she's going to respite in 3 weeks can you refuse to have her home? That way she'd have to stay or go home with a big poc

I think even when your mum is lovely it's a very hard job.
My mum is in a care home - she's frequently horrible to the carers - she has a very sharp tongue - I only visit for a short time infrequently as I live overseas from her - she often gets verbally abusive after a couple of days visiting. A few years ago, I brought dd and ds to see her and she was so abusive with me that ds said he didn't want to see her again - he found it really upsetting to observe it. Unfortunately it was absolutely normal for her - it's hard when your mum is unpleasant. I'm going to see her next week, dh will come with me for support - I always expect the worst - sometimes she's civil. I don't know why I keep going.

I really feel for you. Dh and I also travel over 100miles every weekend to see MIL. We were able to buy a house so we didn't have to stay in a hotel every weekend - she is not happy for us to stay with her anymore following covid. She is perfectly pleasant but sil isn't - she is very demanding and it doesn't matter what we do it's never enough. MIL has carers but other stuff needs to be done, she's not easy but it's sil that is the challenge, she is a total martyr and gets annoyed when her siblings won't sacrifice their lives like she has. The situation has led to the breakdown of family relationships, sil then complains bitterly about how we aren't a closer family - it's exhausting not only meeting MIL's needs but Sil's too. The family dynamics feel toxic and it used to be so positive and loving. It has made me think long and hard about not doing the same thing to my kids. We have made provisions and I know that won't be enough but we will try our best to not be a burden.

what cruel and unhelpful comments those are.

it’s the mum that makes these