AIBU to resent caring for my difficult elderly mum alone?

If you suspect time may be short for your mum she will be entitled to free care. You could be there all the time and she could have 4 care calls a day. It would help you to be her daughter, not a carer; it might take the pressure off a bit. I would get in touch with her GP or the district nurses who can organise the care.

So she can't be forced into a care home, but YOU can be forced to give up your career, your family life and your soul to care for an ungrateful racist snob who actively dislikes you?

You need to see this for what it is op. She's making decisions based on your facilitating her life. Without you there she would absolutely be admitted to a care home as her needs are VAST. You shouldn't be expected to sacrifice ANYTHING to support her 'choices'.

Take a big step back - metaphorically and physically. Your DH is a saint.

It's a very hard task you have given yourself OP and your mum should be v grateful ( although it doesn't seem like she is). You need more help. In my experience very elderly people don't want outside help, their preference is for any family to step in but that's very tricky long term. They don't see the difficulty of course, they are getting what they want. As other have said go over to the Elderly parents board. Lots of support there.

You've done an amazing job and can hold your head high. But know when to say when - it's time for some extra help. Get carers involved, have some much needed time for you. This could genuinely go on for years and the sooner you accept help, the better for you, your health and your life ❤️

We often use empathy and interest in others as a gauge on how Mil is doing. Dh is her golden boy and when she showed no concern for his quite serious health condition, deflected and brought it back to herself it was a bad moment for more than one reason. Definitely very hard to do alone. And hard because I still think the reality doesn’t get talked about enough, being honest about how you feel will often lead to one of two reactions - judgement that you are not being a saint accepting you lot joyfully or judgement that you are being a doormat and should just walk away - neither are helpful. The elderly parents forum is an easier place to find support (with less judgement)

I think you have done a brilliant job but should try and pull back quite a lot. It seems she isn’t even that grateful? You have your own life to lead too

It is very hard to do it all alone. The lack of thanks/care about your tooth etc unfortunately is common as people age. I found it like a toddler in some ways-they just don't have the capacity, or understanding, for other people's needs. Obviously I know that doesn't apply to everyone.

I think saying that the OP chose to do this is unfair IMO.

My DM effectively became carers for my DGM and DGF. DGF first, as we diagnosed with stage 4 cancer (riddled with it) and DGM was afraid of having to administer morphine to DGF so called on DM to do it, until he eventually got moved to a hospice.

DGM had a stroke post DGF passing and whilst she was allowed home with 6 weeks of post discharge care, she absolutely hated having carers in her home and purposely used to lock them out (resulting in calls to DM as her closest NOK. My aunt lived more than 200 miles away). My DM used to visit every day as DGM turned into a very untrustworthy person post the stroke, devious, paranoid, habitual liar, you name it. It wasn’t until she had a fall that the hospital agreed she could not go home and she was moved to a care home.

The stress on my mum was enormous and really took its toll, but what could she have done? I was/am 150 miles away from then so whilst I absolutely offered to share the ‘burden’, being a 3 1/2 hour drive away isn’t very practical.

People saying move closer, WTAF!!!

@Fogey I honestly empathise and sympathise. Until someone carries that particular weight of being a carer like you, they have no idea.

Try to dial down your feelings of guilt if you can. It can be hard as the tales of ‘but I looked after both sets of your grandparents’ spring easily from elderly parents lips, conveniently forgetting that they were 20 years younger when their parents became frail and didn’t last as long as this generation do when they became ill.

It is hard having to care for very elderly frail parents and the unknown element of how long things are likely to go on for that is worst challenge I found.

Try to be kind to yourself and make sure you can schedule regular breaks for yourself.

Sending you best wishes and strength.

Agreed. You don't need to set yourself on fire to keep your mum warm.

Seriously, if you were to break a leg, she wouldn't have a choice but to go in a care home. You are enabling her "choices" which wouldn't be choices if you weren't there...

Go home to sort out your tooth, as a fit 60yo, teeth are important.

You are facilitating her behaviour. Masking the level of need, in effect. But it’s your choice. I have chosen a level of contact with DM which is more than she deserves but which I can live with- look myself in the mirror guilt free. I’m currently staying in work instead of retiring so I am not expected to spend all my time with her.

However, I recognise it’s the choice I have made, and there are other options. Don’t feel powerless, own the choice you are making.

Forgot to add , can't understand why anyone would click YABU.
You sound lovely and your mother should be very grateful to have you .

It was my take on things as I wouldn't be able to find any redeeming features in a racist snob who treated her own daughter so badly that her grandchildren won't have anything to do with her.

Oh my goodness , you are doing far far too much , you are sacrificing your life , your life is on hold , your husbands is on hold too ,read over what you have told us , the things you have cancelled the experiences you have missed out on , the money you have spent /continue to spend.
In theory this could go on another 10years ,you just don't know, many elderly people reach 100 nowadays.
You must make a stand and do it quick , if it upsets her that you plan to do less then so be it , i imagine you are claiming what you can for her and yourself maybe ? so increase the carers .
You have every right to begrudge what you are doing ,any one would !, i do a fraction of what you are doing for my elderly mother and i absolutely would prefer not to, i don't think you can object to her granddaughter not wanting to help either i don't blame her.
I hope you get this sorted out very quickly , your mother has lived her life and whether she has the good grace or not to allow you to now live yours by doing things that bring you pleasure you must go for it, you only get this one chance.

You agreed with previous post saying “your poor husband”