AIBU to resent caring for my difficult elderly mum alone?

I was in a very similar situation with my mum. I was the only carer being an only child so didn’t have resentment regarding others not helping but I have 2 teens. She’d actually moved to across the road to me in her early 80s which was fine to start with but then she went downhill health wise and more and more dependent. We bought in a tiny amount of care but it wasn’t up to much and she didn’t help the situation. Whilst she was judged to have capacity I do think there were issues around memory, processing and full understanding of the situation. She had her truth which wasn’t really reality. I’m not convinced she understood the impact of her decisions on the rest of the family. She ended up in hospital with an infection (5 ambulance call outs in 24 hours, the previous week we had 3 call outs in a similar time scale, the gp called me about this and I broke down, not for the first time in those years). We all agreed she couldn’t live alone any more but because she had capacity it had to be her decision. Finally it was (I suspect on the basis of leaving hospital on a trial basis). and the care home was a godsend, the carers were far and away miles better than the ones we had at home. It came with other problems, not least a lot further from my home. She hated me finally, blamed me for everything, was increasingly abusive (verbally and physically) and she played me up. She wasn’t a bad woman, though could be difficult, she had a very traumatic early life. I couldn’t back off completely but certainly I did back off a bit once she was in the care home as it was making me ill and I knew she was being looked after better than I could do. She died last year at 95, during the half term one of my teens was doing a levels and the other GCSEs. She finally made her own decision to refuse hospital treatment but even on her deathbed she was horrid to me as I wouldn’t and couldn’t do what she wanted.

I do feel for you. It’s such a difficult time. Sure we can all see that she needs more help
but if she doesn’t agree to it, we just carry on. It’s hard to back off completely but that was the advice of my mums social worker and that really is the only thing we can control. It’s nearly a year since my mum died and I’m not sure I feel anything really. I miss the woman she was when I was young, though even then she wasn’t an easy person to be around, but I don’t miss those last years. I’m not sure I’ll ever be the same, a year on I’m certainly not.

I wish you well. It’s not an easy path and I suspect unless you’ve walked it you don’t quite get it. I think that’s why people keep suggesting care without understanding the nature of capacity.

The difficulty here is that your Mum is making the decision not to go into a residential home based on what you are doing for her. If you were able to explain to her that you cannot continue to do all this she would be basing her decision on different facts.

These are such hard decisions - it sounds as though she is nearing the very end of her life and I can understand that you want to do what you can, but we all have our limitations. And I know that sometimes we make these decisions with an eye to the future - how will I feel when she dies if I have not done everything I can? But this does not alter your own limitations.

I know when my OH died I just felt relief - all the burden of care, of fighting for funding for care, of dealing with the guilt of him going into a nursing home and of making the decision to let his life end rather than have him go to hospital - all at an end. It is normal.

You are doing all you can, and you can do no more. You have lots of responsibilities to balance - and you too are one of those responsibilities. You must look after yourself. You matter too.

Why are you posting such nonsense? Why is there no hope of recovery? A broken pelvis shouldn't be fatal or cause someone to be bedbound for the rest of their lives. My mil broke her pelvis in Nov and is now back to normal, which for her is frail but mobile (she's 92).

Have you had a conversation with your mum about how you can’t continue like this? Ask her what she suggests.

my MIL had to go into a care home in the end, social services will help give an assessment about the level of care needs. We couldn’t give up our jobs to care for her (and honestly didn’t want to give up our lives to do so). Care homes are expensive but worth every penny!

Mil recovered from a fractured pelvis (90) and my mother recovered from a fractured hip (86) it can go either way.

Yes that's what happens. It is what is happening with MIL atm - she doesn't want to go into a home so she's looked after by carers and the family.

Could she move into residential care ? Contact her local adult social care and explain how much you are having to do and that it’s not sustainable, as she needs more help than you can provide.

But she is making her decision based on her daughter having to provide care which she doesn’t want to.

No of course you are not being a cow, it’s bloody hard. My DH was doing this, going up every other weekend, Thursday - Sunday, four hour train journey to see to DMIL who simpy would not consider leaving her home. She did have carers but they couldn’t keep her fed, hydrated, medicated and clean. She had UTIs all the time. She died in hospital in the end.

You are not being ‘made to’ look after her. You’re choosing to do it out of a sense of duty. So long as she has carers you can back away. Allow yourself to back off. Get her shopping delivered when carer is there to unpack it. Give yourself some space.
don’t do it out of guilt.

@Fogey The fact that she is bedridden with a fractured pelvis is hugely important because she is unlikely to recover and maybe she should be on an end of life pathway.

It sounds like you will probably stay with her for all or most of her time remaining so if possible can you factor in time for yourself to recharge your batteries? An hour or two a day to go out, have a manicure/ coffee/ read a book in the park could help with the trapped feelings that I experience when I’ve had to care for my parents. You can hate the situation without hating the person.

Wishing you well. Take care of yourself.

No wise words just sending a hug OP. Family dynamics are complicated and you clearly feel an obligation to your mum in her final stages which is understandable.
I hope things improve for you all

Of course it matters if she doesn't want to go into a home, you cannot make decisions for people who have capacity! Plenty of people decide to stay at home supported by carers for years.

Work not giving you time off was surely the perfect justification for calling in professionals??

You. Don't. Have. To. Look. After. Her.

If she has all her marbles she can arrange to be looked after in her own home..If she hasn't got savings then social services will provide the basics.

Apart from anything else this is a ridiculously brittle situation. What if you are ill?

I am horrified you gave up work unless you were desperate to anyway (if that's what you did?).

I realise there may be financial considerations that youd prefer not to go into, but please prioritise yours and your husband's health and wellbeing.

It matters very much whether she wants to. Mil doesn't want to and can't be forced either - we have to wait for a crisis of some sort but staying in bed all day isn't enough - in fact it's quite surprising how bad you have to be before a home is the only option.

It's very difficult indeed. I am a grandparents, wifowed and disabled. I fight tooth and nail to be as independent as possible, drafting in help wherever I can ... and paying for it.
My DDs do not know the half of the problems because I do not want to be a burden and become resented.
It's bloody hard and I hate it from the bottom of my heart.
So I would say you myst set a clear limit to what you are able to do and research paid options for help.in her area. Spell it all out to your mum: your input and that from elsewhere. Be clear about the limits of your input and that they are not negotiable.
Sounds hard I know but you only have one life ... and only so much of it as a fit person! You need to do your bit ... I can see you would feel very uncomfortable if you did not ... but the nature and quantity of that have to have clear limits.
One little thought ... when my dad was old I used to shop for him online from a similar distance and get it delivered to him. I phoned him to talk through what he wanted and had his card number to pay for the order.
Good luck with everything.

Sorry but she needs to go into a home. Don’t do this to yourself op.

It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t want to go into a home. She needs to. Why does what she wants trump what you want?

Definitely not unreasonable. I could have written this almost word for word a few months ago although we lived a lot closer. My mother has now passed. Most of the time I didn’t like her either - she was also a racist (I’m told it’s a generational thing 🙄), a snob, ungrateful, rude, self centred the list goes on and on.

I’m now feeling guilty because I’m not grieving. Maybe I will one day who knows but at the moment I’m busy sorting everything out as she refused to leave a will and that’s causing friction in the family so I’m just angry and annoyed at her for still making my life a misery now she’s gone.

YANBU at all. I think anyone would feel that way.

It's hard to know what a better answer is, other than have her move closer.

As far as your sister's kids - I think it's too bad they will not pitch in to help you, which is really the point. Not the grandmother they don't like, but their aunt.

At the same time, our culture seems to teach people that they don't have any serious responsibilities beyond their own household and perhaps their job. The expectation seems to be that the state should somehow care for such people, because obviously it falls to people who have no relation to them at all to do this.

You do really need to get social services involved ASAP - telling them your mother is vulnerable and at risk - apparently the buzzwords - and that you CANNOT and WILL NOT do it any more.
I dare say your mother won’t like it, but she will just have to lump it.

You have done a lot more than your bit, so the other thing you must do, is NOT to feel guilty about it!