AIBU to resent caring for my difficult elderly mum alone?

Nothing but sympathy and support. I hadn’t realised that you could be looking at end of life care. That’s so hard. I’m glad you’ve set up extra care, for your own sake. It’s hard to love someone when you’re so tired and worn down.
💐

I’m sad that some people prefer to attack an already fragile situation.

This is the aibu forum. It's a debate forum. You asked if you were being a cow for not liking your mum. People reply bluntly.

Not many people do but right now she’s ruining your life. It would be bad enough if she was grateful but your current situation isn’t sustainable.
it’s not an easy thing, OP but I think you’re going to have to pull back from the level of care you’re doing before it makes you ill. Can your mum afford live in carers? Or private care visits?
speak to her dr or social services maybe.

Yes of course the mums wants shouldn’t trump the ops but that’s not how it works - you can’t force her to go into a care home! The care home will not enforce it, social services will not enforce it when there are other options.

Then residential care is the answer.

You are doing an amazing job, OP. You’ll be able to look back on this time with quiet satisfaction. My MIL refused to go into a care home despite being scared and lonely at home. My DH was her only living child in this country. It was an exhausting and difficult time and there were two of us. It really put a strain on things. MIL had dementia and I really wish I had put my foot down earlier. We struggled on with carers but she ended up in hospital and an assessment meant she couldn’t go home. She moved into a lovely care home close to us which we found and it was such a relief for everyone, including her. She was v well looked after and had great end of life care. She was safe and socialised. DH and I and other relatives could visit every day which we did. I couldn’t believe how quickly she adapted to the care home after all the resistance. Wish we’d done it years ago. She would have got so much out of the social side. She only lasted a couple of months after moving in but I saw first hand the card she got, as I was the one who was there when she was end of life (DH was overseas). I’d really really urge a proper care home and 24 hour care at her age. MIL had a nurse on call 24 hours a day and her room was closest to the nursing station. You DM might resist but the relief when she is getting proper 24 care is palpable. I’d really use the respite care to push for this. It’s a pivotal moment. Don’t go back to the current scenario. It is not sustainable and she needs proper care if she is bed bound and 95. Good luck. It’s the toughest shift but this too will pass. Do something lovely for yourself and DH when it does.

That makes it even more important for her to more carer service or preferably into a care home. You will be worn into a frazzle if you try to go on like this. The grand-daughter should be stepping up too. Destroying your health and not helping you marriage are another couple of good reasons to stop.

You sound like a very kind woman.
Watch your own health OP too.
Well done for making a more manageable plan going forward.

No need to be so nasty to OP!!

You ANBU, and definitely not a cow. Does your mum have dementia? My mum lives in Same town as me, my brother lives 20 mins away, we lost dad 14 years ago and mum is nearly 80 and diagnosed with dementia last year. She lives in her own home and is independent but memory getting worse and we worry about what the future holds. In your case I would absolutely look at more carers or help so you can take some of the burden off yourself as you will end up ill yourself. Does your niece who lives 4 doors down speak to you? Would she help out if you asked her? Look after yourself lovely, your mum doesn’t sound at all appreciative of what you do

My MIL is just beginning to become more dependant and also lives at a distance. DH feels duty bound. I do not feel this way.

To quote DS who said to his GF in front of me as they were telling me about their future plans . My Mum will be a great MIL because Granny was so horrible to her she knows exactly what not to do. Now if she was my Mother I would have probably felt the pull to do something, regardless of how she had been. I have known her since she was younger than I am now and looking back she only ever wants something. She has never offered anything. My Mother would have been a 100 this year and was none of those things so I don’t buy it’s all generational.

I feel very sorry for you because there is that pull between child and Mother that is so strong even when they are awful there is a loyalty there that they don’t deserve. Find your boundaries and all the best.

You absolutely shouldn't feel obliged to physically care for your mum. You live too far away.
There is no reason why you shouldn't take a step back and manage her care at a distance, arranging for her to have an adequate number of carer visits, grocery deliveries for the carers to put away, etc. You could still visit occasionally and, of course, ring her frequently. Make sure that any agency involved, including her GP know that you are not regularly available.

I left my country of origin, by the way, for some reasons. 😁
About 22 years ago.
My (elderly, abusive) 83 yo parent is still around.

You had me at racist. Stop providing care and she will have to go into a home.

I am a carer for my own mum so I understand how hard it is.

I think everyone understand your point that she cannot be forced into a care home OP. But I think what is being suggested is that if you were not so available - if you were still working and living 100 miles away and came to help out less than you do - residential care would be the next logical step

A lot of your post is similar to my life right now. But the worst part is trying to get social services to step up. They won't. I literally hate them!

I work full time and try to batch cook. The traveling is debilitating. I don't stay more than 2 days.

The anxiety is hard to manage. I bit back a few months back. It made me feel shit. Had a big word with myself as it serves no purpose to point out inequalities. Just upsets me.

Just want to empathise with you. My parent isn't a racist. Things are hard enough without that.

Big hugs to you my lovely. You're doing your best and that's all you can do. One day you'll wake up and life will be different for you, but it can sure be a trying time when looking after elderly parents. Relationships are complicated, and whilst your mum had a fall out with your daughter, I bet she regrets it, especially as there's no way to make amends. All we can do in life is to treat others how we wish to be treated ourselves, even if those people have made our lives difficult. Forgiveness is key, I bet your mum wishes she wasn't this way, and I know you wish you didn't feel this way. Forgive yourself for your thoughts, you're only human. And it looks to me that you're doing everything you can. ❤️

She needs more paid care or a home

It’s highly possible. My mother had very little care and it wasn’t until she had to go into hospital and we had no choice but to get her into a home that she got adequate care. It takes a very long time to get a person assessed then a decision to be made then the extra care to be implemented - that’s if there is a company with capacity to provide the care that’s needed. It’s one of the reasons there are elderly people ‘dumped’ in A&E and blocking beds in hospitals unfortunately

I think we could be sisters 😂 I was in exactly the same position with my dad; 100 miles away and travelling down every other weekend. We weren’t close, he was very racist (offended his grandchildren to the point that they didn’t want to visit ) and was very entitled.
I was utterly exhausted- I didn’t realise how worn down I was until he died last Autumn. I sat with him for days and - I know it sounds awful - but whilst feeling sad that his life had ended, I was relieved at the end.
I’m still sorting out his estate and don’t think I’ll feel properly relaxed until I do.
And then I’m off to Greece!
So hang in there and look after yourself; prioritise things that you enjoy and don’t feel guilty about anything.

I think Social Services can increase the carers visits to a maximum of 4 visits per day-this is what we were told by a London council.