AIBU to resent caring for my difficult elderly mum alone?

You've been a wonderful daughter so far and have ensured that you'll have no regrets when she passes

What a load of nonsense. The OP is run ragged, her marriage is suffering, she has given up her job. For a woman who is at best indifferent, at worst actively unpleasant.

You've been a wonderful daughter so far and have ensured that you'll have no regrets when she passes. My mum had an identical situation with her mother. It was exhausting for her but at least when it was all done, she had no regrets at all. You're so close to the end now and your grieving is all but done. You will feel relief when she's gone and that is natural.
My mum outsourced as much practical care as possible. A lady around the corner made all her meals and cleaned. Mum was more of a visitor. She would travel the 100 miles every second weekend and stay overnight, buy grandma what she needed, keep her company and organise her care.

Drop her - you don't owe her a thing

She could still last several months at least. There’s a very elderly lady in the same care home as my dad in a room a few doors along from his. She’s literally like a breathing skeleton, bed bound and always asleep, regardless of what time I go past. No idea how long she’s been like that, but at least since November.

The respite care and the care you plan to get in place - who will pay for it?

If she is bedridden she is not able to manage independently. You need to contact adult social care for advice. They will do a carers assessment and financial assessment which will point to next steps. Do you have power of attorney (health and finances) - I would also advice to get this is place whilst she has capacity because otherwise taking next steps will be extremely difficult. You could look at home carers but it sounds like she needs round the clock care now such as a residential home. You will be able to claim carers allowance in the meantime whilst not working

Hope that helps

Do you have children @Fogey ?

atm
but very soon, this year, he’ll be retired. And I imagine will want to spend some time with you.

OP, I really feel for you. My parents went through a very similar situation with my granny, who was also an extremely difficult person. Unfortunately I couldn't help due to living at the opposite end of the country. She couldn't cope on her own but refused all help and wouldn't entertain the idea of any sort of care/ supported living. As the nearest family members, my parents became the "go to" and it impacted on their lives constantly, although my uncle did what he could to help, he lived 2 hours away from them at the time.

After multiple falls, things unfortunately came to head when she had a fall, broke her collarbone, my dad had to rush home from a holiday abroad and my uncle a business trip, and she subsequently became very unwell on hospital.

Once she had recovered, they sat her down and explained in no uncertain terms that this wouldn't be happening again and she could either agree to carers support or moving into supported living, otherwise they would be involving social services for support. She agreed to live in carers eventually, which hugely improved her quality of life as she had constant company, something which she severely missed after losing my grandad. I would really recommend having a look into this if your mum is agreeable and finances permit. It made a huge difference to my granny and she lived for another 5 years as a result.

I'm sorry but I'm another who cannot understand why are you are doing this, and I'm sorry that your relationship with your mother has lead to you ruining your own life to serve hers.

I would be washing my hands of her and contacting social services. She needs to be in a care home.

I imagine you are probably holding out for inheritance from the sale of her home, but honestly it's not worth your health and marriage.

Your mums wishes are neither here nor there at the moment , she is obviously far to selfish to care about how this affects you .

Make a start now with SS, it's cost you way too much already .

Disgraceful. Your DD and GC take priority.
If your parents need help they buy it in. It’s what we save for all our lives to minimise any care burden on our grown adult children with jobs and families of their own, not burden them indefinitely after we have had the best of our lives.
Their wants don’t trump yours.

Oh don’t be feeling like you are a cow, you are not. What you are feeling is completely normal. I am a carer looking after the elderly in their own homes and the older and more vulnerable they become they do become incredibly selfish and honestly believe they are the only person in the world. She has a carer that goes in an hr a day? I personally would be extending that if her money allows if it does not have you got in touch with her local council and adult social services usually the hospital would have done this when she was admitted and before she was discharged. They can sort out financial assessments and assess more help needed. You want to be saying she needs at least 45min in morning to get her breakfast and to get dressed, 30 mins for lunch and tea and 30 mins bed call additionally an hr a week shopping call/social call and an hr domestic call a week. At 95 they will usually not refuse but they will assess her finances I.e what money she has in the bank and she will need need to make a contribution but will be cheaper than her paying for it all. You need to lighten the load for yourself xx

You’re not being unreasonable to dislike this, but you’re being very unreasonable to essentially give up your life for this.

Carers can go in up to 3x daily, you need to get this looked at and you need to push for it, we have had to for my grandfather who is the same age as your mum. It shouldn’t be a case of who shouts the loudest but it often is. We also live a similar distance away. Get a meals on wheels service for her. Speak to social care and see what other options are available for support. Get out of there and visit semi regularly.

@Fogey you've done the right thing by supporting this crisis and it's good to see you have a plan that will let you step back to something more manageable.
If she goes into respite and you are firmly not available for 24/7 care it may be decided that she can't go home. Guess that would be your best case scenario.
And when it's over you will know that you did step up and do more than could reasonably have been expected over a long period.
Anyone saying anything different has no clue about the realities of this stage of life.

My parents are both in their 80s and live about 15 minutes walk from me. My younger db also lived close to them, he was single and used to see them every day. They are both in good health and very independent and don't need any care atm. It was always expected that db would be the main help if necessary as I have dc and gc. Unfortunately db died 2 years ago and he was my only sibling. I had thought when I retired (I'm 60) I might move 100 miles away to live near dd1. I mentioned it to dm and she was horrified and said what if they needed me! I don't get on that well with dm but if she needs my help I will be there.

She should have been kinder to her family then. She was so awful to her daughter that died that her grandchildren will have nothing to do with her. She's very lucky that OP feels obliged to help her due to her sense of duty.

Your poor mother to be cared for by someone who doesnt.

I don’t have any advice beyond what you’ve been given, but I feel for you. I lost a sibling and a parent young, my other sibling is miles away and useless apart from the odd grand gesture, am I am terrified that this is going to be me. My mother is early seventies, but her world is small and she has an elderly mindset and is already very needy - I suspect she fabricated health problems and the such like to get attention if I’ve not visited enough. I home you get your own life back soon.