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AIBU to wonder if my son is trying to come out?

116 replies

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:08

We are a very masculine household with only boys in it who are heavily into football. My 16 year has always been a gentle soul/well spoken, into his clothes.
He’s obviously had to learn to be a bit physical with only brothers but it doesn’t come natural to him to be a ‘lad’
I’ve suspected since the start of secondary and from the occasional peek of his phone where he was looking at ‘pretty’ boys in front to mirror but he always denied it and got a bit cross with us when i tried to initiate the conversation about his sexuality.
Both his dad and I have made it clear that we would not care either way.
He hangs out with ‘lad’ lads, goes to football matches, party etc.
Had the odd girlfriend but it never turned into anything more than just hanging out.
Today he asked me if he can have a sleepover with a boy who he once met at a footie match who lives far away but wants to visit our city and he agreed to show him around.
I told him no as I do not know him but really feel it’s him trying to venture out finally.
I haven’t spoken to other half.
Even though he said he would not mind if his son was gay, I feel every time i try and show him proofs, he shrugs it off that i’m imagining things.
Actually my other half is a very gentle soul who loves gardening and is into fashion and sometimes i definitely feel he is more of a woman than I am 🙈
So I think he feels my ds is a bit like him and just a bit shy and late bloomer.
I want to encourage my ds to come if he really is gay but I don’t want it to become a huge issue where he doesn’t feel confident talking to me.
What do I do? Do I leave him alone?

OP posts:
Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:14

BreathSmint · 15/04/2026 18:10

OP can you answer this? @Idontmindeitherway

The only man in my house, is my other half. The rest are boys and they use the word ‘gay’ in all forms including as an insult.

OP posts:
BreathSmint · 15/04/2026 18:10

BreathSmint · 15/04/2026 17:39

Is the word ‘gay’ used as a jokey insult in your house OP? I know lots of men still tease each other, saying ‘that’s a bit gay’ etc.

OP can you answer this? @Idontmindeitherway

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:10

Ficinothricegreat · 15/04/2026 18:08

Are you positive they are gay then? I mean if they didn’t whip out some flowery gardening gloves…., are either of them well spoken though???? 😂.

No wonder the OPs child is keeping quiet

They are definitely gay. All into gardening and well spoken! If your gay friends aren’t, they are lying to you!

OP posts:
Ficinothricegreat · 15/04/2026 18:08

JustCabbaggeLooking · 15/04/2026 17:28

Clearly a lot of you have no gay friends.

😂My oldest son is gay. Just had him and his partner saying with us for Easter. Neither of them did the garden though 🤔

Are you positive they are gay then? I mean if they didn’t whip out some flowery gardening gloves…., are either of them well spoken though???? 😂.

No wonder the OPs child is keeping quiet

Simonjt · 15/04/2026 17:51

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:24

I love it how you all attack me for this. The boy is not deprived and if this another way around saying i do not check my child’s phone (which i don’t) you would all over me berating me as a mother and how dare i not parent him perfectly.

Clearly a lot of you have no gay friends. My best friend is gay and colleagues at work are gay and as much as you don’t want to generalise, there are characteristics and I’m sorry it offends some of you human activists 😂
If i had no suspicions that my son is gay, i would have no problem letting a ‘mate’ sleep over if he knew him.
He does not do sleepovers and so i don’t feel having a boy who we don’t know, come over for the night sensible.

The only characteristic about being gay is who you fancy.

Flyingkitez · 15/04/2026 17:50

I don’t think you need to encourage him to tell you. The sleepover was maybe his way around that. I think you are right he doesn’t know this boy properly. But maybe encourage the friendship side with taking him to meet him etc if that’s what he wants and if it grows into something it will be obvious in time.

FullMetalCapacity · 15/04/2026 17:49

as much as you don’t want to generalise, there are characteristics

There are characteristics that all gay men share and no straight men do?

Really?

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:48

PeopleWatching17 · 15/04/2026 17:45

My brother is gay AND a gardener 😊

There you go. Rest my case

OP posts:
TheWonderhorse · 15/04/2026 17:45

I don't really get the AIBU. Wondering is of course fine, but it comes across as though you're trying to catch him out. Even if you are curious more than concerned you absolutely need to step back and let your DS handle this in his own way. It's not your business. If I were you, I would want to meet the new friend, and show DS that you're willing to support him in whichever relationship he chooses for himself, so long as it's healthy.

I'm going to forgive the clumsy reasoning (I'm being kind and going with clumsy!) because I think your intuition is hard to explain.

PeopleWatching17 · 15/04/2026 17:45

JustCabbaggeLooking · 15/04/2026 17:28

Clearly a lot of you have no gay friends.

😂My oldest son is gay. Just had him and his partner saying with us for Easter. Neither of them did the garden though 🤔

My brother is gay AND a gardener 😊

SimonWigglesBaratoneVoice · 15/04/2026 17:41

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:35

and you are right my house is not the paradise of the LBTQ community as the other boys do joke as lads do but I’m sure there will be the exceptional boy families where all the heterosexual sons are super decent and never a dirty/inappropriate joke cracked will come along in a minute to prove me wrong😁
All i’m saying we are as parents supportive whatever happens but I do get why he may not feel comfortable coming out

None of my kids are homophobic at all. It's hardly a LGBT paradise, just normal human decency tbh.

The fact you've normalised it as 'lads being lads' says it all.

Callmeback · 15/04/2026 17:41

I hate that there's still the term 'come out'. You don't have to 'come out' if you're straight. Ridiculous in 2026. Your gender stereotypes are strange in this day and age too.

Just let him be him.

BreathSmint · 15/04/2026 17:39

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:35

and you are right my house is not the paradise of the LBTQ community as the other boys do joke as lads do but I’m sure there will be the exceptional boy families where all the heterosexual sons are super decent and never a dirty/inappropriate joke cracked will come along in a minute to prove me wrong😁
All i’m saying we are as parents supportive whatever happens but I do get why he may not feel comfortable coming out

Is the word ‘gay’ used as a jokey insult in your house OP? I know lots of men still tease each other, saying ‘that’s a bit gay’ etc.

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:35

and you are right my house is not the paradise of the LBTQ community as the other boys do joke as lads do but I’m sure there will be the exceptional boy families where all the heterosexual sons are super decent and never a dirty/inappropriate joke cracked will come along in a minute to prove me wrong😁
All i’m saying we are as parents supportive whatever happens but I do get why he may not feel comfortable coming out

OP posts:
SimonWigglesBaratoneVoice · 15/04/2026 17:34

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:24

I love it how you all attack me for this. The boy is not deprived and if this another way around saying i do not check my child’s phone (which i don’t) you would all over me berating me as a mother and how dare i not parent him perfectly.

Clearly a lot of you have no gay friends. My best friend is gay and colleagues at work are gay and as much as you don’t want to generalise, there are characteristics and I’m sorry it offends some of you human activists 😂
If i had no suspicions that my son is gay, i would have no problem letting a ‘mate’ sleep over if he knew him.
He does not do sleepovers and so i don’t feel having a boy who we don’t know, come over for the night sensible.

Ah so internalised homophobia that you don't accept because your "mate is gay".

RoseBlueuet · 15/04/2026 17:30

Stop asking him about his sexuality fgs. It's 2026!

And why can't his friend stay over if it is one night. Do you have a spare room or just put him up on the sofa - if you are worried what they might get up to.

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:29

JustCabbaggeLooking · 15/04/2026 17:28

Clearly a lot of you have no gay friends.

😂My oldest son is gay. Just had him and his partner saying with us for Easter. Neither of them did the garden though 🤔

They clearly not really gay then

OP posts:
Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:28

Starseeking · 15/04/2026 17:21

I don’t understand why you refused the sleepover; at 16 it’s unlikely that you will be able to get to know his friend who lives far away unless you allow this.

Your excuse for saying no is really poor, and will definitely not encourage your DS to come out if he was thinking of using the opportunity as a way to gently introduce a boy he is interested in developing a relationship with.

He has plenty of local friends without sounding rude my main aim at night is to sleep not to try and get to know my son’s new friends

OP posts:
JustCabbaggeLooking · 15/04/2026 17:28

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:24

I love it how you all attack me for this. The boy is not deprived and if this another way around saying i do not check my child’s phone (which i don’t) you would all over me berating me as a mother and how dare i not parent him perfectly.

Clearly a lot of you have no gay friends. My best friend is gay and colleagues at work are gay and as much as you don’t want to generalise, there are characteristics and I’m sorry it offends some of you human activists 😂
If i had no suspicions that my son is gay, i would have no problem letting a ‘mate’ sleep over if he knew him.
He does not do sleepovers and so i don’t feel having a boy who we don’t know, come over for the night sensible.

Clearly a lot of you have no gay friends.

😂My oldest son is gay. Just had him and his partner saying with us for Easter. Neither of them did the garden though 🤔

Justbloodydoit · 15/04/2026 17:27

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:24

I love it how you all attack me for this. The boy is not deprived and if this another way around saying i do not check my child’s phone (which i don’t) you would all over me berating me as a mother and how dare i not parent him perfectly.

Clearly a lot of you have no gay friends. My best friend is gay and colleagues at work are gay and as much as you don’t want to generalise, there are characteristics and I’m sorry it offends some of you human activists 😂
If i had no suspicions that my son is gay, i would have no problem letting a ‘mate’ sleep over if he knew him.
He does not do sleepovers and so i don’t feel having a boy who we don’t know, come over for the night sensible.

Then let is ‘mate’ sleepover then.

SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack · 15/04/2026 17:25

Just leave it, he’ll tell you when he’s ready my son did with me.

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:25

BerryTwister · 15/04/2026 17:21

If the boy is coming to your town, is your son wanting the sleepover to be at your house?

Yes

OP posts:
AlwaysLookOnTheBrightSideOfLife · 15/04/2026 17:24

I knew for years before DC said, "I know you and dad will always support me, I just want you to know xxxx and I are dating." That's how much of a big deal it was. The two older DBs were just the same.
Leave him be until he's ready. I'm not sure your household is as accepting as you might think.
Would you have allowed a girlfriend to stay?

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:24

I love it how you all attack me for this. The boy is not deprived and if this another way around saying i do not check my child’s phone (which i don’t) you would all over me berating me as a mother and how dare i not parent him perfectly.

Clearly a lot of you have no gay friends. My best friend is gay and colleagues at work are gay and as much as you don’t want to generalise, there are characteristics and I’m sorry it offends some of you human activists 😂
If i had no suspicions that my son is gay, i would have no problem letting a ‘mate’ sleep over if he knew him.
He does not do sleepovers and so i don’t feel having a boy who we don’t know, come over for the night sensible.

OP posts:
Starseeking · 15/04/2026 17:21

I don’t understand why you refused the sleepover; at 16 it’s unlikely that you will be able to get to know his friend who lives far away unless you allow this.

Your excuse for saying no is really poor, and will definitely not encourage your DS to come out if he was thinking of using the opportunity as a way to gently introduce a boy he is interested in developing a relationship with.