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AIBU to wonder if my son is trying to come out?

116 replies

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:08

We are a very masculine household with only boys in it who are heavily into football. My 16 year has always been a gentle soul/well spoken, into his clothes.
He’s obviously had to learn to be a bit physical with only brothers but it doesn’t come natural to him to be a ‘lad’
I’ve suspected since the start of secondary and from the occasional peek of his phone where he was looking at ‘pretty’ boys in front to mirror but he always denied it and got a bit cross with us when i tried to initiate the conversation about his sexuality.
Both his dad and I have made it clear that we would not care either way.
He hangs out with ‘lad’ lads, goes to football matches, party etc.
Had the odd girlfriend but it never turned into anything more than just hanging out.
Today he asked me if he can have a sleepover with a boy who he once met at a footie match who lives far away but wants to visit our city and he agreed to show him around.
I told him no as I do not know him but really feel it’s him trying to venture out finally.
I haven’t spoken to other half.
Even though he said he would not mind if his son was gay, I feel every time i try and show him proofs, he shrugs it off that i’m imagining things.
Actually my other half is a very gentle soul who loves gardening and is into fashion and sometimes i definitely feel he is more of a woman than I am 🙈
So I think he feels my ds is a bit like him and just a bit shy and late bloomer.
I want to encourage my ds to come if he really is gay but I don’t want it to become a huge issue where he doesn’t feel confident talking to me.
What do I do? Do I leave him alone?

OP posts:
Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 19:11

anonymoususer9876 · 15/04/2026 19:08

I would say yes to leaving him alone whilst he discovers his sexuality. Children really don’t want to discuss it with their parents, unless the teen initiates the convo. Thinking back to when you were a teen, did you discuss it with your parents? I would’ve curled up and died!

I wonder though if you’re acutely aware that the ‘banter’ at home isn’t something your DS is a part of due to his nature, rather than his sexuality?

As to the 16 yr old lad and the sleep over, is your DS in regular contact with him? Perhaps he doesn’t feel like a stranger to your DS but does to you. You’re either OK with an unknown to you teen staying over, or you’re not, irrespective of gender/sexual preference.

[For context one of my DC was exploring gender and sexuality and had different friends stay over at that age. But there was no banter on anything to do with LGBTQ at all at home, in fact other people’s sexuality really is nothing to do with me so it’s not really a topic of conversation 🤷‍♀️. ]

Thanks for your comment. This is probably the first sensible and helpful reply i’ve had.

OP posts:
anonymoususer9876 · 15/04/2026 19:08

I would say yes to leaving him alone whilst he discovers his sexuality. Children really don’t want to discuss it with their parents, unless the teen initiates the convo. Thinking back to when you were a teen, did you discuss it with your parents? I would’ve curled up and died!

I wonder though if you’re acutely aware that the ‘banter’ at home isn’t something your DS is a part of due to his nature, rather than his sexuality?

As to the 16 yr old lad and the sleep over, is your DS in regular contact with him? Perhaps he doesn’t feel like a stranger to your DS but does to you. You’re either OK with an unknown to you teen staying over, or you’re not, irrespective of gender/sexual preference.

[For context one of my DC was exploring gender and sexuality and had different friends stay over at that age. But there was no banter on anything to do with LGBTQ at all at home, in fact other people’s sexuality really is nothing to do with me so it’s not really a topic of conversation 🤷‍♀️. ]

JustCabbaggeLooking · 15/04/2026 19:07

SummerFate · 15/04/2026 18:45

Just tuning in to see when this goady old shit gets zapped.

Yeah. Me too.

Tacohill · 15/04/2026 19:07

You’re being mean not letting him have his friend round for a sleepover.

He sounds like a good kid and so I don’t know why he’s not allowed a new friend round.

The whole gay thing - your heart is in the right place but you’re being too OTT.
He might be gay, he might not.
I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

I know many ‘feminine’ men who are straight and many ‘masculine’ men who are gay.

I am a woman and hate gardening - I’m not sure what sexuality that makes me.

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:54

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/04/2026 18:50

If your kids not using gay as an insult is your idea of exemplary parenting that is concerning.

They say a lot worse than that. You should hear…

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 15/04/2026 18:50

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:24

yes it is and of of course I knew there will be exemplary parents coming on

If your kids not using gay as an insult is your idea of exemplary parenting that is concerning.

Imdunfer · 15/04/2026 18:48

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:44

actually the sleepover thing is out of the ordinary and that’s why i don’t necessarily feel comfortable with.
Why would someone at 16 would travel hundreds of miles to spend a weekend with another boy who they met once (if i believe that they met during a match rather than online)
It does not sounds something people would do. My son has plenty of local friends.
The only thing i can imagine happening is that he wanted to meet someone who does not live locally hence none of his local friends would ever find out about him.

It's what people who have an immediate attraction to each other do.

SummerFate · 15/04/2026 18:45

Just tuning in to see when this goady old shit gets zapped.

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:44

Creepyoctopus · 15/04/2026 18:37

Personally I think you should just let this topic be he could be confused and not want to talk it about he’s only 16 he’s still a child, I think the way you’ve explained the sleepover makes it sound like you are not allowing the friend to sleep over as you think your son could be gay, but just someone someone is attracted the same gender doesn’t mean they automatically have to hang out with the opposite gender, I personally would allow the sleepover sounds like they are just mates, maybe not but that’s for him to decide no one else you just sound like you are coming on way to strong I think you try not think about this topic if he is gay he may tell you in the future when he feels more comfortable, it’s extremely extremely hard putting a label on yourself especially when you are confused

actually the sleepover thing is out of the ordinary and that’s why i don’t necessarily feel comfortable with.
Why would someone at 16 would travel hundreds of miles to spend a weekend with another boy who they met once (if i believe that they met during a match rather than online)
It does not sounds something people would do. My son has plenty of local friends.
The only thing i can imagine happening is that he wanted to meet someone who does not live locally hence none of his local friends would ever find out about him.

OP posts:
Acutissima · 15/04/2026 18:43

The outdated stereotyping in the OP is out of control.. I assume he is acutely aware of these generalised feelings in the home, hence his reticence.

He will never be free to be himself around you all til you let him develop without comment or prejudice (even subconscious prejudice, and not malicious).

It doesn't actually matter at all if he is gay, straight, or whatever. Your knowledge of his status doesn't have to be precluded by some big pink glittery "reveal".. He can just...be. And all of you can just be normal around him.

SerendipityCat · 15/04/2026 18:41

This thread is feeling weirdly familiar. There was a very similar one a few days ago about a potentially gay nephew which I swear read as if it had the same odd "agenda". I'm particularly suspicious of the faux outrage and the "my best friend is gay" trope.
Nah, not buying it, sorry.

Johnogroats · 15/04/2026 18:40

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:14

The only man in my house, is my other half. The rest are boys and they use the word ‘gay’ in all forms including as an insult.

Edited

I hope you pick them up on using gay as an insult? I did that about 10 years ago and not had to do it since.

Creepyoctopus · 15/04/2026 18:37

Personally I think you should just let this topic be he could be confused and not want to talk it about he’s only 16 he’s still a child, I think the way you’ve explained the sleepover makes it sound like you are not allowing the friend to sleep over as you think your son could be gay, but just someone someone is attracted the same gender doesn’t mean they automatically have to hang out with the opposite gender, I personally would allow the sleepover sounds like they are just mates, maybe not but that’s for him to decide no one else you just sound like you are coming on way to strong I think you try not think about this topic if he is gay he may tell you in the future when he feels more comfortable, it’s extremely extremely hard putting a label on yourself especially when you are confused

Vaguelyclassical · 15/04/2026 18:33

EarlofShrewsbury · 15/04/2026 17:13

You can be shy and well spoken and reserved and not gay.

You do seem a bit obsessed with your son's sexuality.

You can also be hyper "masculine" in the way you present yourself to the world and still prefer to sleep with men. OP, you are doing an awful lot of naive stereotyping here.

ProudAmberTurtle · 15/04/2026 18:29

Clearly a lot of you have no gay friends. My best friend is gay

As others have stated, it reads like you have an agenda. Just leave him alone

rwalker · 15/04/2026 18:29

Unfortunately your attempts to be hip and understand are coming across as exactly the opposite
sounds you’ll be disappointed if he wasn’t gay
and yes let his friend stay

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:26

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/04/2026 18:21

Have you considered he might not actually be gay!?! An interest in clothes doesn’t really count… and looking at pretty boys might just be a passing interest - you really have NO idea why he has looked at that! I’ve googled pictures of beautiful women before out of interest or off the back of something else and I’m definitely straight!

Of course I have that’s very much a possibility just much as he is gay

OP posts:
ProudAmberTurtle · 15/04/2026 18:26

There's nothing in what you've written to suggest he's gay, and if he is, so what?

It sounds like you really want him to be gay?

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:24

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/04/2026 18:22

And yes. Using gay as an insult is completely unacceptable. My 14 & 15 year old kids wouldn’t even dream of it.

yes it is and of of course I knew there will be exemplary parents coming on

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 15/04/2026 18:22

And yes. Using gay as an insult is completely unacceptable. My 14 & 15 year old kids wouldn’t even dream of it.

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/04/2026 18:21

Have you considered he might not actually be gay!?! An interest in clothes doesn’t really count… and looking at pretty boys might just be a passing interest - you really have NO idea why he has looked at that! I’ve googled pictures of beautiful women before out of interest or off the back of something else and I’m definitely straight!

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:20

Miyagi99 · 15/04/2026 18:19

You and DH need to clamp down on this, it’s disgusting behaviour and although I know it happens it shouldn’t be allowed at home.

We do

OP posts:
Miyagi99 · 15/04/2026 18:19

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:14

The only man in my house, is my other half. The rest are boys and they use the word ‘gay’ in all forms including as an insult.

Edited

You and DH need to clamp down on this, it’s disgusting behaviour and although I know it happens it shouldn’t be allowed at home.

BreathSmint · 15/04/2026 18:16

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 18:14

The only man in my house, is my other half. The rest are boys and they use the word ‘gay’ in all forms including as an insult.

Edited

This is problematic.

Miyagi99 · 15/04/2026 18:14

Idontmindeitherway · 15/04/2026 17:28

He has plenty of local friends without sounding rude my main aim at night is to sleep not to try and get to know my son’s new friends

At 16 you just leave them to it, couldn’t think of much worse that the family trying to get to know them!

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