to wonder why childcare seems to default to women, even now?

honestly, I think it’s biological or ‘instinctive’ … women have always been primary care givers since day dot. It’s only now in the modern world with more women working etc that more is expected of men but I’m sure this wasn’t the case back in hunter gatherer times

Women aren’t having babies with their fathers. It’s grandmothers who made utterly crap choices in partners.

There is a long generational lag - if you as a new parent were primarily raised by your extremely competent Mum while your Dad was also somewhere in the house and maybe took you out for a bike ride sometimes, then when you are thinking about a person you might trust with your own precious infant your Mum has a close bond and a great childcare 'CV' and your Dad....doesn't. Especially as some Dads might have a history of not necessarily respecting your opinions or taking into account the wishes of their child (you) over his own comfort when you were growing up.

My lovely fil worked abroad and did long hours when his boys were little. My mil mainly raised them. He was a loving dad though. When the grandchildren came along he retired and was besotted with them. He didn't do nappy changes but fed bottles, did pick ups for us from nursery and would put our eldest down for naps. He would hold the kids when we were busy doing other stuff. My mil would help in an emergency but made it very clear that she had done her parenting and wouldn't be doing anymore. I have never resented her for it as she has always been clear on her stance. She is a loving grandparent and hands on when we visit or she comes to ours.

My dad has now retired and he picks my nephew up from school, feeds the youngest meals, he puts them down for naps, gives them baths, brushes teeth etc. He enjoys it all and said that whilst he doesn't feel guilty for working long hours when we were little is glad that both his son in laws have a better work life balance than he had. He does exert boundaries though and won't take care of the nephews overnight and will only do pick ups on set days. My mum does have the nephews overnight and yes she does struggle to say no to my sister. This has aged her rather a lot and she is often very tired as a result but she won't put some boundaries in place.

Of course I do. And you’re dismissing the reasons why. So in the same sense I’m saying that grandmothers don’t have to do childcare. No one has a gun to their head. It’s 2026, they can say no. If you don’t want to do it say no!

You are not being unreasonable but to me the answer is simple. Men in my family are unreliable and drink. I didn’t feel safe with them as a child and do not trust them to leave a child with them. It will create more stress. It is not just about being “available” it is also about the relationship you have with the person and the level of trust.

Sixth

First post nails it

It’s not even that we think they’re so going to be abusers, I don’t trust them to have basic competence

Statistically most children who have life-changing injuries get them while they’re in the care of their fathers 🙁

No one is forcing grandmothers to do childcare. If they don’t want to do it they should say no.

Which would indicate that there’s a bit of a mix and you can’t generalise. Hopefully shifting in the right direction

But most people who are on MN come to complain. Do you think someone would come and post ‘my DH just dropped off the kids after he got them ready for school. Last night he made dinner and the kitchen wasn’t a disaster’?

I agree. Men have historically got away with being lazy, especially as we’ve moved away from the housewife/breadwinner set up. Now we must adjust to our reality and lots of families are. I think in time it’ll become completely unacceptable for a man to live like he’s in the 60s whilst his wife is doing both.

Well actually the grandmas are firmly in the “it’s our time now” camp, so you don’t need to worry about them.

in the current generation of parents and marriages, it’s all pretty equal and the men and much more present as parents.

the grandads, rightly or wrongly, are almost wary of the grandkids, especially when they were younger.

i will say that during babyhood, I don’t know any woman who was willing to give up her maternity for shared parental leave.

after that, it’s very much down to practicality. Lots of dads on the school run etc and balancing annual leave entitlements in the holidays.

i find incompetency very unattractive in a partner. Wouldn’t have entertained it.

@saynooo

I should have said mother/ another known female equivalent. Not saying it's right, but I think it seems to occur instinctively?

Wrong. You need to get better men in your life

Well, I think it’s because it’s women who make themselves available to do it. Lots of women work part time or not at all when their children are little. I worked part time or full time compressed hours - actually what that meant is Dh did everything 3 days a week because I was gone before the dc woke up and not back until bathtime, but I was the one who had 1-2 days off a week to take them to groups as a result. Dh’s effort wasn’t quite as visible. Fwiw, my part time working was less about being the default carer and more because the NIHR research funding that funded by role couldn’t afford me 5 days a week.

In our current set up, I am off work due to chronic illness. I don’t work. Dh is the breadwinner. By default, I do most the the school runs, etc because Dh has to work because I can’t. He still does school runs though and he’s done a half day with the dc every day all school holidays to give me a chance to rest. He does about half the driving around to activities and friends houses. He only really works PT though (we have a family business and are co-directors, dh involved in day to day running but it doesn’t take 40 hours a week to keep it ticking over).

Our mums don’t provide any childcare or help with dc really at all. Our dads are dead, didn’t live long enough to see grandchildren so they also are no help.

Amongst the mums I know who seem to run around doing it all, it appears to be a conscious choice because they wanted to step away from work when dc were little. And now they have struggled to get back into work because they didn’t build family life that way. Whereas Dh and I always had careers (until I got ill) and no family help, so our family life has been built around us sharing the load and doing everything between us.

Well for us, our dads didn’t do the childcare when we were kids so it would be very surprising if they accepted it 40 years later.

I think the next generation will be different.

The child will look for the mother first, oftentimes. Not sure you can program that out of them?