Page 3 | AIBU to think nursery alone is not enough support for poor parenting/ neglect?

Scottishmamaagain · 2026-04-15T08:47:59+00:00

In Scotland so assuming the system will be different to England. In a non professional role have become involved with a family who are under investigation by social work, not physical harm just neglect and I would say failure to provide any sort of stimulation (but don’t want to get into specifics for obvious reasons). One of the children has a funded 2s place at nursery (in Scotland these are only for vulnerable children and SEND etc). Apart from this they seem to be getting no other support from social work, the mother doesn’t seem to be aware of how serious the situation could become and it appears no one has explained where she is falling short. Just seems like social work have got her the nursery space under the idea that child is better off a nursery than at home, but have done very little to improve the situation at home. I get that the child attending nursery will mean other adults will be able to keep an eye on the situation, but the issues have already been highlighted. I also don’t think this is a case of parent struggling and therefore childcare can take some pressure off, it’s more a lack of understanding of what children need in order to develop. This situation must be replicated across the country. FWIW I am not slagging off social work, they are in survival mode along with a lot of other services. I also see a lot on here that social work are already overworked trying to address physical harm to children and therefore anything else becomes an afterthought. But surely just throwing kids into childcare is not the answer to poor parenting/ neglect. The money used for those funded hours would be better spent on more social workers, parenting classes, sure start etc.

ThatFairy · 15/04/2026 13:47

OP are you sure it's neglect rather than a lack of money ? Maybe she doesn't have the income to buy new clothes and get out and about ?

Original poster

Scottishmamaagain · 15/04/2026 13:35

TimeDoesntStandStill · 15/04/2026 13:21

Think these ideas in your last paragraph sound good. Also connects Mums in the local area for moral support which can have a positive impact on their wellbeing, gives their week structure and learning new skills too.

Which could possibly impact pip for anxiety claims in the future, as in lowering the claims as theyve had a productive and supportive time and can then move onto education or employment.

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Yes I think community and mums meeting other mums is only a positive.

I loved baby classes and buggy walks etc. but did find the demographic was quite middle class and I live in a town that does have quite a lot of deprivation as well. I always wondered where mums who maybe didn’t work etc were with their kids.

I found it so good to be amongst other mums not only for the solidarity in going through the same challenges, but bouncing ideas off each other, seeing the way other people did things, and probably controversially comparing milestones etc. like if someone’s baby was born with in weeks of mine but way ahead in milestones it might make me think is that something to be worried about, will I phone the health visitor etc. Whereas raising your child in isolation with only a few family members around means those opportunities are limited.

Health visitors could be better here, and recommend groups to go to. I always made a point of telling mine the ones I attended and she always wrote them down to tell other mums who she thought might appreciate it. Then again health visitors are also in survival mode, I think if everything is assumed to be fine you only get 3 in person visits in the first year?

Obviously this is rather sexist as well putting this all on mums, dads also need to step up so much more in these situations, and you can almost guarantee that in a situation where a mother isn’t doing a great job she will still normally be doing more than the dad.

OP posts:

TimeDoesntStandStill · 15/04/2026 13:21

frozendaisy · 15/04/2026 10:03

So this mum gets lots of support and help and then thinks, oh parenting is quite easy let’s have another.

I am not saving vulnerable children shouldn’t be protected from useless parents but creating a state dependency to this level is foolish.

How much per hour is nursery funding? Would anyone work as a social worker for the same amount?

It might help if you made some benefits dependent on parenting classes and home inspections, classes where they have to actually attend and be, not exam tested but assessed that they have learnt the necessary skills and importance, responsibility of bringing up a child. That would be more likely to bring long term changes.

Think these ideas in your last paragraph sound good. Also connects Mums in the local area for moral support which can have a positive impact on their wellbeing, gives their week structure and learning new skills too.

Which could possibly impact pip for anxiety claims in the future, as in lowering the claims as theyve had a productive and supportive time and can then move onto education or employment.

Weeelokthen · 15/04/2026 12:44

Scottishmamaagain · 15/04/2026 11:59

Apologies for using the word ‘just’, I have been shocked at the neglect i have seen in this example and alarmed that social work don’t seem to be taking it seriously enough.

It seems like that is the attitude of social work though unfortunately. They are too busy dealing with kids getting hurt by their parents to spend time on cases of neglect.

And yes I see the long term issues this will be causing the kids, one of them is older and I am struggling to see how they can ever contribute to society unless there are big changes at home.

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Sorry, I just don't think a lot of people realise the damage caused by neglect. It's depressing though, isn't it? Not interacting with your baby, even not smiling at them or talking to them causes brain injury. Schools, sw, society is struggling to cope as a result of lazy parenting.
I think when you are pregnant it should be mandatory to go to parenting classes and be educated on the effects of truama that is caused to the child by not fully engaging with your baby.
We need to do something, don't we?

Original poster

Scottishmamaagain · 15/04/2026 11:59

Weeelokthen · 15/04/2026 11:55

"Just neglect" causes truama to the brain!! These children will have lifelong devolopemental issues as a result of this shitty parenting. It pisses me off greatly. There are shedloads of kids at school who have additional support needs as a direct result of neglectful parents.
The social work system in Scotland is overwhelmed.
Very worrying times

Apologies for using the word ‘just’, I have been shocked at the neglect i have seen in this example and alarmed that social work don’t seem to be taking it seriously enough.

It seems like that is the attitude of social work though unfortunately. They are too busy dealing with kids getting hurt by their parents to spend time on cases of neglect.

And yes I see the long term issues this will be causing the kids, one of them is older and I am struggling to see how they can ever contribute to society unless there are big changes at home.

OP posts:

Weeelokthen · 15/04/2026 11:55

"Just neglect" causes truama to the brain!! These children will have lifelong devolopemental issues as a result of this shitty parenting. It pisses me off greatly. There are shedloads of kids at school who have additional support needs as a direct result of neglectful parents.
The social work system in Scotland is overwhelmed.
Very worrying times

Original poster

Scottishmamaagain · 15/04/2026 11:12

Shuffletoesxtreme · 15/04/2026 10:25

But what exactly is the alternative? That’s a genuine not rhetorical question. Modern life is complicated and difficult, child rearing requires mental and physical resources that many people just don’t have. What would the right support look like? The state makes a bad parent and foster care doesn’t seem like a great place to grow up so mass removal would ‘t fix the problem, leaving aside the enormous trauma that would create. Supported living for families who need it? But that requires their consent, and would anyone want to live in a controlled environment like that.

Edited

The simple answer is I do not know, but the current system isn’t working.

The services should be tailored to each family. This is what the concerns are, this is what we need to see improve, how can we help with that? For some childcare might be answer, if parents are stressed and just need a break (but in my experience above this is not the case, having your child in childcare for 30 hours a week doesn’t just magically make them a better parent for the rest of the time).

Some need it spelt out for them clearly, your children need to have clothes that fit which are cleaned, they need a rough routine with a bedtime that allows them to attend school/nursery in the morning, they need stimulation that isn’t from a screen, they need to be taken to public places so they can see and interact with the outside world. You need to help health visitors etc identify gaps in their development and follow the recommended course of action to help. What they might benefit from is more time with a social worker who can show them what this looks like, puts a plan in place with follow up to ensure improvements are being made.

It seems like a lot of parents think because their kids are fed and have a roof over their heads their job is done.

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/04/2026 10:30

Yanbu if nursery is literally all that happens. I've just done a quick Google though and it said that there is a lot of early help, patenting advice and classes etc that doesn't always need a referral or have a high threshold for referral. Is that not the case? Incredible years was referenced for example, but I don't know if that would help cases of neglect.

Shuffletoesxtreme · 15/04/2026 10:25

But what exactly is the alternative? That’s a genuine not rhetorical question. Modern life is complicated and difficult, child rearing requires mental and physical resources that many people just don’t have. What would the right support look like? The state makes a bad parent and foster care doesn’t seem like a great place to grow up so mass removal would ‘t fix the problem, leaving aside the enormous trauma that would create. Supported living for families who need it? But that requires their consent, and would anyone want to live in a controlled environment like that.

TartanMammy · 15/04/2026 10:18

I'm also in Scotland. The threshold for social work intervention is so high it's unbelievable. They are over worked and under resourced and children are being failed. It's not the individual social workers fault it's the system they are working within.

Original poster

Scottishmamaagain · 15/04/2026 10:13

NetflixAndTakeaway · 15/04/2026 10:04

I think childcare and schools are supporting children in such a way that it masks quite how bad their home life is. It props the families up just enough to mean no further action is taken. Of course it is great that children are getting the support, but it doesn’t treat the root cause. There are so many children in this situation that I think it’s simply too big to deal with properly. And as a society, I think we don’t want to admit how bad things are. It could really turn society on its head and no one is prepared to do it, even for vulnerable children. Who wants to be the government that addresses that a sizeable percentage of parents are not meeting their children’s needs. They would be told they’re splitting up families and seen as terrible and also the cost implications would be huge. So we carry on, letting children be harmed, pretending it’s not happening, because they got to paint at nursery or they were given a free meal at school or sanitary towels were provided by the pastoral team because parents don’t buy them.

you have explained my point perfectly. Schools and nurseries are doing just enough to stop more intervention. It’s just sticking a plaster on the problem without actually addressing the issue with parents. It also puts schools and nurseries under immense pressure when they should be focusing on education.

I can’t see any mainstream political party being brave enough to tackle this, the outrage at government providing guidance for screen time was a glimpse into this.

OP posts:

NetflixAndTakeaway · 15/04/2026 10:04

I think childcare and schools are supporting children in such a way that it masks quite how bad their home life is. It props the families up just enough to mean no further action is taken. Of course it is great that children are getting the support, but it doesn’t treat the root cause. There are so many children in this situation that I think it’s simply too big to deal with properly. And as a society, I think we don’t want to admit how bad things are. It could really turn society on its head and no one is prepared to do it, even for vulnerable children. Who wants to be the government that addresses that a sizeable percentage of parents are not meeting their children’s needs. They would be told they’re splitting up families and seen as terrible and also the cost implications would be huge. So we carry on, letting children be harmed, pretending it’s not happening, because they got to paint at nursery or they were given a free meal at school or sanitary towels were provided by the pastoral team because parents don’t buy them.

frozendaisy · 15/04/2026 10:03

So this mum gets lots of support and help and then thinks, oh parenting is quite easy let’s have another.

I am not saving vulnerable children shouldn’t be protected from useless parents but creating a state dependency to this level is foolish.

How much per hour is nursery funding? Would anyone work as a social worker for the same amount?

It might help if you made some benefits dependent on parenting classes and home inspections, classes where they have to actually attend and be, not exam tested but assessed that they have learnt the necessary skills and importance, responsibility of bringing up a child. That would be more likely to bring long term changes.

Happytaytos · 15/04/2026 09:55

Yanbu but it's a start.