Feel like I wasted my life

I shared a similar timeline and wasted similar years with my abusive ex, divorced with two kids at 36. My life changed at 38 when I met dh and is now unrecognisable. Take small steps, slowly learning to drive and perhaps taking a job eg in retail or somewhere you could work to a managerial job, creating opportunities to meet new people. You are still so young and nowhere near middle age!

A friend of mine is doing a degree with the Open University. She is ten years older than you OP & is loving it.

Firstly, yes you can start over. You are rid of the abusive man. Every day you get stronger and more independent. Every day is an opportunity to do anything you wish, train as a chemist, choose a path that makes every day a pleasure. You've got 32 years and nothing stopping you except a worry about "what people will think". Who gives a toot what people think. Enjoy yourself. Show them what you are really capable of and be proud of yourself. 🙂

You are writing this during the night when I find things feel really oppressive and worse.
Can I suggest looking to a college. Our local one is excellent and they also do degree courses and are often on evenings. Many of the students are older adults who are wanting to retain. We have also found that they have much better support for students than previously especially regarding mental health.
Take your time, at your own pace. Do mot worry about others. Be kind to yourself.

I think focusing on uni as something to do in the future is a great idea, not so much right now.
You still sound like you are struggling and in no position to be starting a degree. Get yourself better and start the degree when you are fully well.

Start looking at courses at your local college or library

Anyone can go to university at any age
There is no age barrier to learning

However, I believe in England 60 may be the cut off age for a student loan. After 60, I believe that a person can self fund.

Do something for YOU !

I don't think you will get what you want out of university if you start while you still have so much going on. I'd take the time to get your sleep and MH stable, find out who you are now. It sounds like you wish you'd gone to university more than you want to go, you're grieving for the other person you think you could have been.

What do you enjoy now, are you still interested in Chemistry? Maybe take a few online courses in different things to see if anything catches you. Do you like working with people or on your own? What has made you really happy recently?

You are different than you were at 16, but it's not all bad, you have wisdom and life experience, you have learned so much and know how strong you are. You are not too old, not will you be in a few years, if that's what it takes to feel like yourself again and ready.

Of course you can go to university! I completed my first degree at 37 and my second at 41. My dad did his first degree at 55!! There is absolutely nothing stopping you from improving your own life apart from your outlook and fear of change/the unknown. Be brave and just take a step. You could be enrolled and starting a degree in September.

I'm not that up to date with higher education but if I were you I'd contact a university and discuss your options. With an HNC I'm sure you'd easily get on a course to convert to a degree.
You're doing brilliantly after everything you've gone through. All the very best @ThatFairy

You're 36 not 66. I know numerous people who have retrained in their 30s and gone on to a fulfilling career.
Im 65 now and how I wish I had done things differently but its too late for me now.
OP, you're still young, get out there and reach your full potential!!!

I was also in an abusive relationship from 16 until age 33. It was all I knew all my adult life. I'm still healing and putting myself back together. You're not alone and your life isn't over. The best is yet to come 💐

Be kind to yourself OP. You are doing ok 🤗

I’ve been there with a horrific groomer dv abuser, an absolutely monster. Truly awful this was a decade my teens into my twenties. I completed my degree part time in my 30s (I had DC as well). Things do improve very very slowly overtime.

as for the ptsd I have diagnosed CPTSD, agoraphobia, anxiety and depression after a huge breakdown 7 years ago. So I can relate. Also to the problems with sleeping.

I’m struggling again at the moment but whatever I go through now is better than the hell I used to live in. I’ve had a few bad panic attacks this week due to stress but today I’ve been up early now back in bed with two cats sleeping by my feet. My life is very hard due to my health but it’s also got joy and love and good bits.

I can't believe how stupid I've been with my life. It's ruined.

You haven't been stupid OP. You've been in a bad situation.
Your life is only ruined if you let the past dictate the future and there is something in the way you write and what you write that makes me thing that the hell are you going to let that happen. You sound strong, ready for something wonderful and I bet you anything you can make it happen.

My best friend and I both spent our early years mucking about and neither of us caught fire until we were in our late 30s. We both realised if we threw ourselves at life anew we could change everything. She went to uni, got her PGCE and has spent the last 25 years travelling the world teaching English. She currently lives in Tokyo and is having a ball. I went to horticultural college, have worked all over Europe in wonderful gardens and now run my own gardening business. We're both happy as pigs in muck.

You have decades ahead of you to do whatever you want. Live now!

I was pretty disappointed that my abuser never got convicted but he did have to serve 18 months community service (literal hell for a terminally unemployed idiot) after beating a female police officer. God he was such a fucking moron he honestly thought he could hit a cop and get away with it. He was such a turbololcow he reminded me of Onision in many ways.

Agree with this.

Have you reported him to the police? I reported my abuser to the police after 4 years of absolute horror and even though no action was taken, it made me feel a small sense of justice that he had to sit through the shame of trying to explain to another person his reasons for destroying my house, threatening to burn it down and hitting me while being a lifelong unemployed wanker.

What about looking for a job as a science technician in a school, your HNC would be fine for that - ok the pay won't be amazing, but varied work and enjoyable.