AIBU to wonder why some unfaithful men change later in life?

I recently bumped into the ex who broke up with me in our 20s.
He was not faithful but I was heartbroken all the same.
He thought the sun shone out of him and women were attracted to his cocky nature.
We decide go for a coffee as I'm curious as to how things turned out for him.

Fast forward 20 odd years, he is overweight, unkempt, divorced, broke and in a bad place. Very much dependent on his aging, mum, too.
As I left the cafe he gave me his number and mumbled something about regret.

I had the sense that he wanted to get back together and saw me as his carer.
No f-ing chance.
I'm not getting rid of my dh - who incidentally is ageing very well and looks better at 60 than 25 and a bit of a silver fox (bless him he's unaware of this) -for this twerp.
Besides which, security matters more to me now at my age than romance.

Number immediately deleted and blocked.

I think that men who play the field when young often pull easily and don't make any effort as they don't need to so go to seed.
Whereas men who are a bit awkward when young can improve with age.

I think this describes my uncle for sure.

He was really stupid when he got married, not just about other women but all kinds of things. He had a bad example of a marriage with his parents, his father was an open serial womaniser. Always was fired from work for beinga fuck-up. Could not save money.

My aunt was only 17 when she and my uncle were married, but she really is the person that prevented his life from being complete shit in every way. Organised their household, had a good job, achieved a high level degree, kept him from fucking up good jobs, saved money. And at a certain point I think it became obvious to him that he had been extremely lucky. And also that his dad had really made his mum very miserable (she eventually left him.)

@TempestTost yeah- societies with a lot of young men are more unstable but also more dynamic. Younger people of both sexes take more risks and have poorer impulse control than older people but this is more pronounced in men. Again, humanity has benefited from this to an extent. We need disruptors as much as stabilisers

I get frustrated when people say “ oh well the frontal lobe isn’t fully developed until 25” as if this means that people below this age are basically children. Risk taking in young adults can hugely benefit them and society although there is also the flip side ( criminality and stupid accidents)

Honestly, the older I get, the more I think we’re all just prisoners of biology as @jsku says. Society has imposed norms but we’re wired by survival instincts to behave contrary to that at the most basic level. Older men shag around less than younger men due to less urge and less opportunity.

its kind of like the old narrative about weight loss. “ You need to address the real reasons you overeat” ( subtext: there are complicated emotional reasons for your obesity). No you don’t. It was never that deep. You just need to take this jab which adjusts your hormones and overrides your primeval urge to eat all the food while it’s available so you don’t die in the next famine.

Yes, I have seen this, I have an uncle it very much applies to, and I've seen it in other people as well.

Personally, I think it is closely related to the statistic about male criminality which drops off a cliff at about age 35. I have a friend who followed that pattern, in jail for some gang/drug offences in his 20s, involved in criminality up to his mid 30s, then, according to him, he realised he'd seen friends killed, he didn't want his mum to see him dead or have her embarrassed, and the life wasn't worth it despite the money and excitement. So settled down into a regular job and life and became an upstanding kind of guy in the neigbourhood.

I see it as increased maturity through experience, impulse control, and I suspect the testosterone drop contributes pretty substantially.

OP - I think you are making all of this way deeper than it is. And/or you still really do not understand the difference between men and women, or more specifically their sexuality.

Young men’s libido is a strong force. Society norms, relationships, etc - do put it in check. But in reality, if opportunity presents - and if there is no risk of being found out - majority would act on an opportunity. It’s a simple animal drive.

I don’t think women can fully understand. To most of us sex and feelings are impossible to separate. And we rarely enjoy meaningless sex. But for most young men - sex can come both with emotions, and without.

So - the men the OP is talking about didn’t change. They loved their partners back in the day. They still love them now. Young love is
different to more mature love - and it’s natural for marriages to change with time.
The men acted on their stronger libido as younger males. Their libido is different now, and with that, they both don’t have as much drive and opportunity. They are, as men often get - more lazy, and less in need for variety.

So - OP - just let it go. There is no drama here. No grand unfairness in the universe. Simply - life. And please - do not go and blow up your friend’s lives by enlightening them
to what you think they should know about the past.

I'm friends with a couple like this. What changed him was religion and realising how wonderful his wife is. She can now do no wrong. He is still rich handsome in his 60's and would still attract attention, I would say.

Actually I almost added a sarcastic Lucky her.

My experience with guys like this is they just start to get tired/weary, combined with the fact that the pool of willing participants for them to cheat with pretty much dries up. That makes their partner a solid option at that point.

Funny analogy except that suggests she won which I don't think she has. Unless the parcel was a wrapped dog turd 😅

I think its a combination of things:

1. Declining testosterone and erectile issues - not so easy to tom cat around if you cant get it up due to the general effects of age and declining health
2. Lack of interest from women. Most men of that age dont put much effort into their appearance. The men I know of this age on the whole are balding, overweight and saggy whereas the women I know of that age still look very fit/healthy. Them sleazing on to younger women with the same chat up lines they used to use in the 90s/00s dont work any more, much to their chargrin. They just look sad and pathetic.
3. Arrogance. Connected to point 2- I think men who used to be fit and attractive in their 20s/30s got used to women reacting favourably to their "charm". They became arrogant about it and are still in the same mindset that they are God's gift to women. The fact that younger women now see their ageing 50/60 year old self as sad and pathetic utterly confuses and baffles them. They arently able to self reflect and ponder why this might be because they arent used to that kind of self awareness so instead they become even more angry and indignant about it. This makes their entitled attitude even more repulsive and gross to women.
4. Societal changes. They are dinosaurs in a modern world and they cannot navigate it like they used to. Women these days are more independent and (hopefully) the pay gap is closing meaning that they simply arent needed like they used to be and that pisses them off royally.
5. As a result of the above they stay with their wives (who by this point look better than them) because they are comfortable and have realised they simply cant get away with it any more

This. They don’t want to start over. Especially if they’ve worked hard for their lives.

I’ve known men still have affairs when older. Or are unhappily married and treat wives appallingly. Sad.

I think they realise they have an awful lot more to lose- by then probably have assets, pensions etc and yes they realise the ones who might be interested actually might not tolerate their odd habits and still might not be bothered about sex etc

To be fair the ones I know often haven’t a pot to piss in and live in a council house so it’s not money

Because everyone has a lot to lose if they don't. As with most things in life, it's all about the money.

Maybe DC have grown up and the husband starts getting more attention or subconsciously feels more important and less sidelined?

or maybe the wife doesn’t notice any change? My DH will make out to people that me and DC are his world but I don’t see that

Yes and what I’m always amazed by is how the wife and adult children carry on like he has always been the most amazing husband/father

I sadly have more than one colleague that fits this description, and have had this conversation previously.

The problem they face is if they have let themselves go physically at 50 or 60, it takes rather a lot of money to attract a woman in her 30s as they may have done in their 40s. They find themselves priced out of the market.

Even if they have the surplus for the requisite flash car, fine dining, and travel, they lose the energy to maintain the deception as it takes a lot of effort to cover your tracks effectively.

But the big one is the cost of marital exit if discovered, which is massive by the 50s and 60s. Financial disaster territory.

So, they hang up their spurs and finally put that charm and energy into their wives - if they'll still have them.

Tiredness, lack of success and the need for someone to do all their housework in retirement.

This. It's not that they've suddenly thought 'Dear old Agnes, I've taken her for granted all these years and really she is the true love of my life...'. It's 'What best suits my comfort and needs at this time? Well, old Agnes has a track record of caring, my bread appears to be buttered this side...'.

well known womaniser not woman 😂

I generally think it’s because they’ve got old and are struggling to attract women. I remember it being said that Annette Benning ‘tamed’ Warren Beatty a well known woman when in actual fact I just thought he’d got old and his reputation proceeded him?

They are no longer attractive / they can barely get it up any more / they are knackered and can't be arsed / they realise thry are aging and they need to get a few good years in the bank so muggins the wife will cook and clean in retirement ?

Whatever the reason it’s almost guaranteed to be selfish.