AIBU to wonder why some unfaithful men change later in life?

OK. I agree.
I'm just questioning the idea that women who get together with a cheat think that they're so perfect as women he couldn't possibly do it to them.

Totally disregarding the fact that emotional dissatisfaction in their current relationship is waa-ay down the list of reasons as to why men cheat.

This is not according to me, this is according to evolutionary psychologist David Buss.

Well according to evolutionary psychologist, David Buss, who I tend to believe knows his stuff as he's studied it, a whopping 70% of men cheat for sexual variety.
70%.
So if I'm the 'perfect' second wife, those figures would probably interupt my sleep knowing that there's a whopping 7/10 chance he'll shag around again.

Lol.

It doesn’t matter why people cheat. One “reason” is not more excusable than another.

if you’re unhappy, leaves. If you like variety leave.

if you want to sleep with someone other than the partner you are committed to, leave first.

it’s always the cheaters fault. Regardless of the reason.

I have no problem taking partial responsibility for the breakdown of my marriage in that ex and I got lost in parenting, work etc . I have a massive problem with the idea that I am at all responsible for ex cheating. He could have talked about what was bothering him. He could have asked me to do x,y,z. He could have decided to leave. That's fine. What's not fine is him blaming me for the fact he moved 100 miles away and years on, has no relationship with his kids.

Many women cheat for variety too.

Of course it’s not all the wife’s fault and you are perfectly entitled to believe that no man can keep his cock in his pants even if he’s married to a perfect woman.

Whatever helps people sleep at night I guess

Even if the wife is a really great woman, they'll still cheat if it's in them.
It's well known that men like sexual variety. Absolutely well known.
Women cheat when they're unhappy, not men. They cheat regardless of whether they're happy or not.

In any case, cheating is hardly the sign of a man with good morals anyway.

Always the wife's fault, though.

I suppose if a woman is the second wife it's comforting to believe that he'd never do it to her as he's 'happy' now.

Yeah right.

Saying that a man will cheat even if he has the perfect woman is a cop out used by ‘wronged’ wives because it means they don’t have to take any responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage.

No.
Men are not like women. They could be with the perfect woman and still want variety.
Unless they're still attractive it's usually because they can't.
This 'right woman' idea is b.s.

Because the women don’t have enough self respect to leave so why put yourself through the financial shafting of a divorce if the wife is happy to continue?

Or they are continuing to cheat because they know they can get away with it

a-lot of women get better with age and refuse to accept low standards anymore , so he knows he has to step up
or she will ship him out and replace him with either peace or another man , he also knows he hasn’t got it anymore.

It could still be. A council tenancy is valuable, and in most cases it's harder to get one now than it was when an older couple first obtained theirs. Splitting up and one party moving out doesn't mean another SH property will be forthcoming, and even if it is it'll probably be less desirable than a house. If they haven't a pot to piss in then the person who leaves isn't buying anything, so it's potentially a private rental on a single income. I can absolutely see why money could be a powerful incentive in that situation.

The only, only time I'd take any man seriously who no longer cheated is IF he still could but chose not to.

These are usually men who are self-sufficient who could easily afford their own private nursemaid if need be.

Mr Average he ain't. Mr Average doesn't cheat any more because he can't.

Simple as that.

They're past their sell by date, have far fewer opportunities, might not be feeling very well and are desperate not to be alone, so they pretend not to be abusive liars, cheats and completely selfish.

I remember the movie Cocoon, from many years ago, where the narrative was that a bunch of old people in a retirement home found mysterious cocoons in a swimming pool. When they swam with them, they started to get younger.

It was quite an interesting movie, but one dynamic was pitiful and sad. One old woman had tolerated her abusive, cheating husband for years (cheating is always abuse of course, see chumplady.com to debunk any disagreement on that) until he had been forced by old age and oncoming infirmity to behave like a normal man and treat her with a modicum of respect.

As he grew younger, he went straight back to being a filthy, pathetic, lecherous, pos to her great distress.

Obviously, it was just a fictional movie, but the premise was fair.

Once an abusive, cheating pig, always an abusive cheating pig. Given the opportunity, youth, vigour and chance of course they'd cheat again.

My uncle cheated on my aunt throughout their marriage right up until he was 60+.
Then in his late 60s he had lots of health issues and would moan to anyone and everyone that she wasn't very caring or sympathetic to him about his illnesses and he was lonely.

I don't think he ever joined up those dots...

I see things a little differently to the op because essentially, I don’t think a leopard changes its spots!

I am in my sixties and in our friendship group, the ones who were players at university continued to be players until their mid- to late- thirties. They then got married and had one to two decades where their wives and children were - outwardly anyway - their “everything” - and then they got bored and divorced and returned to being the players they always were.

I suppose then, once age creeps in
to the equation, their opportunities for “playing” become more limited, and they have to “settle” both practically and metaphorically (no offence intended to anyone who takes on a middle aged man who has had two or more serious prior relationships).

I don’t know about maturity, though. It’s not all young men. A great pile of cheating men are in their mid to late 40s. The classic mid life crisis.

I don't know why men post on this subject. Yes I know anyone can post but it's not as if they're going to say:

Well to be honest when I was younger, slimmer and hot, I shagged around, now I'm older, fatter and gravity is doing it's thing, nobody looks at me any longer.
Plus I was an arrogant prick and didn't put any effort into exercise, diet, or giving up the fags, drugs and booze because for some dumb reason I couldn't predict that I may not always be attractive without effort so I let myself go.
Plus I'm now fully aware of my own mortality and will probably need a nursemaid in 15-20 years time so can't push my luck.

What's that expression about if you want to catch a fish you ask the fisherman not the fish? 😁

I often wonder if it’s the societal pressure to get married and have kids.

he couple I know who this applies- it was her that cheated.

they’d been together since she was 16, he was 20. She was your typical teen who thought she was mature and grown up. He was very family orientated, and really wanted kids.

so they got married when she was 21. Massive wedding, lots of fuss. He admits now he knew it wasn’t a great relationship, but they’d been together a while and she was pushing for the ring, and he felt their families wanted a wedding. He felt time was ticking and he liked their lifestyle and next step was kids.

less than 5 years and 2 kids later she’s grown up realises she doesn’t actually like him much and starts cheating. He would have stuck it out and stayed for the kids, but then she met the man she’s now been with for 30 years and moved him in instead.

so I wonder if people once divorced feel less pressure to “move their lives along” with marriage and kids, so take more time to find someone they’re really compatible with.

They also suddenly get the ability to be great at childcare as well even to the point of saying their DW is doing this and that wrong when looking after DGCs. Wtf happened when their own DCs were small - delayed at work, important meeting with some group or other, had to pop and see someone on the way home until DCs were firmly asleep.

I agree totally with this - more to lose and less options

I just love the way the guys that have posted here are saying it's 'maturity'.
Lol.

To be fair, I do actually know of one serial cheat who I think reigned it in when his children were born.
He was still attractive but as his father cheated on his mother and he saw him and OW kissing he really did seem to be adamant he wouldn't cheat when his kids were born.
He was a bit of a joker but I did get the impression he was deadly serious about this.

A male perspective if I may.

I was never a prolific cheater but I would be lying if I said it never happened or wasn't on my mind in my twenties and early thirties. For me, I think a number of things factored into it: I'm now 51 by the was and have never remotely considered cheating on my current partner of 14 years.

Maturity. I was a bit of a twat when younger and didn't stop to consider the emotional impact upon the person I was in a long term relationship with at the time. We met when we were both 18 and were together until I was 29. When we got together, neither of us had many partners prior so there was always that fascination with the excitement of the new and unknown, coupled with the nagging feeling that you were missing out, seeing your single friends out and about having fun all over the place. General immaturity with a side order of high testosterone and poor morals. In my second long term relationship that turned into a pretty horrendous marriage, there was cheating also. This was from both sides of the partnership. I think the lack of care for each others feelings was symptomatic of the unhappy and fractious dynamic between us both.

For me now, my fidelity is based on a few factors I think:

Principally, I'm more mature. I am deeply in love and attracted to my current partner and the thought of doing anything to destroy the trust and love between us is completely unfeasible to me. This is despite the fact that sex in the last few years has been few and far between for various reasons: some personal trauma's coupled with. menopause etc. Despite this, I would never dream of 'seeking it elsewhere'. The though of it and the aftermath /hurt this could cause physically makes my skin crawl. To a much much lesser degree however, I have to acknowledge the fact that I just don't want the complication stress of having to sneak around and make things up. My heart racing when my partner asks to borrow my phone to search something on Google etc. Fuck that. I think as we get older we generally want a more simple honest life. Well some of us anyways.

Lack of opportunity. The desire is still there but the looks and attractiveness aren’t.

Yep. Their value decreases and it is not high enough for women to forgive their indiscretions as they're just not attractive enough any more.

I'm pretty sure that the ex I describe in my post wouldn't cheat, either.

For my Dad, I think it's a fear of being alone.

He's cheated on every woman he's ever been in a relationship with. My mother repeatedly, and then pretty much every girlfriend after that it ended because he shagged someone else.

Except the woman he's been in a relationship with for the past 4 years. He's in his mid 60's now, and I think he's realising that the merry-go-round is slowing down and that if he fucks up this relationship then he's in danger of spending the rest of his life alone.

I don't think there's anything special about this woman in particular. He's not madly in love with her in a way that he wasn't with my Mum or any of his past relationships. The risk / reward factor has just changed. He can't get the women in their 20s and 30s that he used to be able to charm any more, and the risk of his retirement plans getting utterly fucked if his current partner kicks him out is too big.