AIBU to wonder why some unfaithful men change later in life?

Just for a bit of insight (I know I'm not a man!)

I cheated on my first husband. Quite a bit actually. Lots of different men.

I was in an incredibly emotional and psychologically abusive marriage, which also turned physical as well. I had just had a baby and felt stuck.

Combine this with undiagnosed ADHD which led to a series to mental health problems.

I was 24/25 then and 33 now, about to enter my second marriage.

Since then, I havent put up with abusive behaviour, I have control over my mental health and ADHD and have never cheated on anybody else and never felt an urge to.

I did speak with my ex to apologise actually (yet to receive one from him for the abuse but hey ho!) and even he admitted that he could see I have changed for the better as a person and seem well balanced.

I dont think its always necessarily "once a cheater, always a cheater".

In my case, I was just a young adult that got married too young, to an abusive asshole, was incredibly depressed and used other men to escape and feel good about myself.

Once I matured, left the relationship and addressed my mental health, none of that desire was there - only embarrassment, shame and guilt.

Maybe they’re fatter and balder with a paunch, and the sort of women they’d fancy won’t look at them any more.
(Unless they’re loaded, of course…)

I think they probably move from affairs / encounters to booked appointments with sex workers. Probably less of a thrill, no emotions involved. Less chance of getting caught. So they probably do get on better with their partner as they are more interested in them than they used to be when their attentions were drawn elsewhere.

I think completely monogamous long term relationships spanning decades are very rare. And most people (men mostly) do have affairs or sex elsewhere. Biology and natural instinct. We don’t like to know about.

how do you know they change?
how do you know it isn't lack of opportunity.

Isn’t it just

Yes, this is one skill they can hone very well over the years, as money increases and scrutiny decreases. Funnily enough, no deliberate incompetence prevails in that field..

Considering that most people get better off and more free time as they get older, the options for hiding one's personal activities expand significantly. Overseas cycling tour, golf weekend at beautiful resort, day-rate room at discreet hotel, volunteer activity, soooo many hobbies!

This is horribly perfect.

I have! This is because I'm now chronically ill and chronically poor, though. Actually, just the ill part - if I were broke and old but healthy, I'd still be finding ways.

Am single, btw. Just answering the question you asked.

This x 100. Cheaters rarely stop cheating, especially if they are still with the same long term partners .
More likely they hide it better or are just having a fallow period

Older men shag around less than younger men due to less urge and less opportunity.

Agreed. Note less than before, not never. And the few with both vitality and money shag around as much as younger men with fewer privileges.

Source: like @ClaredeBear, family history. And dozens of long-standing male friends. The only ones who don't shag about in later life either didn't when younger, or have lost the ability.

Right. Lol. When it's her turn she'll still find a way to blame other women for a man's low morals and lack of ethics and decency.

Right, research and common sense and basic human experience backs this up.

Cheating takes the sort of person who is quite willing and able to lie persistently and repeatedly to a person who loves and trusts them as well as being willing to put their sexual health at risk.

It shows a deeply unethical character and low morals. It shows a true contempt for the person who loves and trust's them basic rights.

This is not a case of a kid swiping a chocolate bar in the supermarket and it's not a "mistake". It actually takes a certain lack of empathy, kindness, consideration, normal human feeling, it takes a cold hearted, unkind, entitled and unethical person to cheat.

And it's not normal. 4o out of 5 men do NOT cheat, and women cheat even less. Something like 20 percent of men do cheat and 13 percent of women. NOT the majority, and not actually normal.

That tallies with what we know about people. If we lived in a society of lying, abusing cheaters where treachery was normal we would be well and truly fucked.

Cheaters have done a great job of making everyone think betraying your partner is normal and try very hard indeed to minimise how loathesome cheating is.

But they are very much in the minority, it's not normal to treat someone like they just do not matter and have no rights and as such because it is an abnormal trait, it goes deeply to character. It's not naughty or even bad behaviour - it is a character trait. The people who cheat are untrustworthy in their very core.

And we all being sly, unethical, unkind, low empathy and entitled doesn't suddenly shift because you get older. You don't meet someone who is lacking in compassion and ethics at age 25 who suddenly becomes empathetic and ethical aged 50 - that would be vanishingly rare.

So yep, cheaters are stable in their low morals and ethics, and it would be dangerous to stake your happiness on them being the rare one that breaks the mould.

A pick me woman if ever I saw one… good luck.

Love it. I know I could have just put a heart but just wanted to say it.

Nah, he's genuinely sorry (admitted that his family had been dismissive of his DW and he had been too) and the non denominational congregation is mostly made up of elderly people. He also donates a good percentage of his income to charity.

I honestly don't think it's BS.

Yes!!

Transpires the cheating - now- no- longer- attractive ex who thought he could do better than me but hinted he wanted to get back together in his middle years, had told a massive lie to his mother about something quite serious for his own personal gain and was also exploitative of the single mum he moved in with who later chucked him out.

I like this post: confirms what I suspected: people usually have change foisted upon them, rather than an active choice.
In this case, his essential character was the same but he couldn't be that way any more.

If I had been dumb enough to get him to a good place: fitter, better etc than no doubt I'd be rewarded with him cheating or thinking he could do better again.

So glad I blocked and deleted him.

My dh and I have had issues - like any longstanding couple - but honestly I give anybody permission to shoot me if I'd left him for this twerp.

The parasites move from host to host, until their lifespan is almost up, then they are left with no option but to attach themselves to one host where the conditions are favourable to continue sucking blood until the host dies, or they die first and the host is freed up to live without being drained.

Their most favoured type of host, after all the younger ones have dried up, is a "nurse with a purse".

They realise which side their ageing bread is buttered on.

As my DF told me ‘all of a sudden, we are no longer to cool funny men who can get away with being cheeky, but we are considered to be the dirty old man.’

Why did you entertain a man who believes he can buy consent while putting his loved ones (mother of his children and possibly his children) at risk of life altering diseases?

If I was on a date and found this out I’d leave the restaurant/pub/place immediately. I’d say oh I need the loo. I’d settle my bill and exit without saying a word. As he wouldn’t be worth my time.

He believes you can buy consent with cash. A significant amount of prostitutes have been abused as kids or trafficked. Yet he believes a wad of cash means they have to let him orgasm. Touching him would make my skin crawl.

What attracted you to him?

I think OP means that they're still with the person they cheated on.

With my dad, it seemed like he became grateful for family life, to be included in adult children and grandchildren lives and grateful to my mum for staying with him.

My FIL was like this. Ran off to work abroad and left his first wife and kids. Then with my MIL preferred going to the pub and chatting up woman, or going on holidays to Thailand (yuck) however, now he’s gotten older, his back and legs have gone so can’t go dancing on a Friday, got stomach issue so can’t drink, and has to eat a specialist diet which he struggles cooking. He is full of regret now about how he treated my MIL, and generally feels sorry for himself. Also wonders why his kids don’t really bother to see him much

My uncle is an example. Realises he has alienated his son (cheated on his mum) and knows he won't look after him in his old age. It's not that he's become a good person. His new partner is also wadded so he will have a comfortable retirement if he plays his cards right.

He found religion?? Bloody hell, I've heard some BS in my life, but this takes the cake. He's probably shagging half the congregation!