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Original poster

DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

755 replies

mamato3rascals · 14/04/2026 21:56

Before we got married c 8 years ago, I had said to my DH (financè at the time) that I’d want a pre nup to protect a significant family business, and other inherited assets, that would likely be passed down to me. The value of the inheritance will be significant and so with my sensible hat on I am keen to protect that in any way I can.

For a number of reasons that prenup wasn’t entered into before we married, but he discussed with my Dad and gave him his word (and he did likewise with me) that he’d enter into it in future before any interest passed to me as part of the family’s estate planning. This has been looming a while but we are now at the time where this needs sorting. I have tried and tried to speak to my DH but he is always busy (though I am the main breadwinner, by some way…), explains his fear that I’ll take the family house off him (the post nup leaves the entire family home to him exclusively - valued at £900k and minimal mortgage) and leaves me with a small property rental and ensures that any interest in the family’s wealth remains my asset).

He is so apprehensive about entering into it that he called my dad outright a couple of weeks ago and asked him what he was expecting my DH to do. This is something I’m driving because (a) we are in a bad place and have been for a few years and (b) I can’t bury my head any more and need this sorted. My father was cross at the phone call as he was caught off guard, and on reflection why such reluctance now to discuss with Dad - when he left it years ago on the basis he’d sign something.

He won’t discuss it with me, when I go into his office at night to ask whether he will engage with me on it he tells me to get out, he is exhausted and doesn’t have time to talk about it let alone look for a solicitor that will advise him on it (I’ll pay all of those fees) and ends up putting noise cancelling headphones on with music blaring until I go out. If I stay there he says that he will lock his office door so he is left in peace.

I am at my wits end and had always said to myself that I can put up with his treatment at home (the above being an example) but am so concerned that this is the final nail in the coffin of my marriage (3 young DC under 7, one of which is extremely anxious and constantly worried so I don’t know what a separation would do to her).

If I were to bring our divorce papers I am almost certain he would start to engage - but what concerns me is these post nups are only valid for 5 years and need to be kept under review every 5 years. If he won’t engage now then god help me in 5 years’ time again.

Please be kind as I am worried sick but appreciate any advice. I’ve even considered initiating a divorce for purely financial separation whilst continuing to live long term under the same roof - I am willing to give the marriage everything I have got but the financial worry I am carrying is killing me. I think he expects that he will fail to engage and it will all go away because I’ll get bored of chasing him but fundamentally this is such a U turn from what he promised me before we got married that I am not sure I could ever get over it.

OP posts:
Aabbcc1235 · 15/04/2026 06:06

I don’t think that you should ask him again about the post nup. It’s a shame that he can’t talk about it like an adult, but he is clearly saying no.

In your situation I would divorce him now, without the post nup. Marital assets (which don’t currently include your inheritance) would be split 50/50 and whilst you’ll lose a bit, this is the cheapest solution.

If for some reason you don’t want to divorce (or if sadly you don’t think it will be finalised before you receive your inheritance) then get your parents to put an amount equal to school and uni fees and house deposit into trust directly for each of your children. This isn’t counted in a divorce as it belongs to the children.

Then look at trust wrappers for everything else for you. This will protect it if you divorce later, provided that you haven’t removed it for use.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/04/2026 06:00

mamato3rascals · 14/04/2026 22:52

I agree divorce is inevitable. We live completely separate lives. He’s just been away for 2.5 weeks with work, called the kids 4 times and each time he called I handed the phone to the kids, we didn’t really speak.

My issue is that he gets overly sentimental about things. Example being he won’t ever move from the family home because it’s where he thinks the kids picture their childhood (I mean yes bricks and mortar but we live such a dysfunctional life). He will therefore tell my daughter (which he’s done in the past when I’ve said we need to separate) that mummy wants to separate and mummy wants to break us all up. I have no idea how I come back from that with my DD. Other two are young and if anything I need to do before they get to the astute age of my older child, but I am tormented at her thinking I’m breaking up the family.

He doesn't give a shit about you and only gives a shit about his kids in the sense that he can use them to blackmail you to keep his utterly cushy lifestyle to which he contributes absolutely nothing.

Kids are more resiliant than you think. You are unhappy and stressed and this will be obvious to your kids. Imagine a life and a home without his malevolent presence. Keep detailed records of his abusive behaviour towards you and the children (this includes the malipulative things he says to the kids).

HelmholtzWatson · 15/04/2026 05:53

Swiftie1878 · 14/04/2026 22:04

Before everyone piles in, just to say, if you were a man you’d be torn to shreds on here.

You are married. What’s yours is his. What’s his is yours. You have no prenup or postnup. Why would he sign now with your relationship on the rocks, especially with three young children in the mix - he’ll need finances to be able to see them and accommodate them, just like you.

Do what’s right for your whole family and not just you.

QFT.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/04/2026 05:51

mamato3rascals · 14/04/2026 22:29

@MyMonthlyNameChange He doesn’t do any housework nor childcare. Refuses to take time off for the kids during school holidays so I get by with help from my parents and I take 1-2 days per week off during summer holidays to save on constant childcare and clubs - he refuses to take one of those days and tells me to put them in clubs (which I pay for given higher £). He doesn’t do the housework - I have a cleaner. He says that his job is far mor vulnerable than mine having only been there 2 years (I’m senior and 20+ years in my company). He is always busy. Then at weekends will find something to keep him busy to avoid any conversation.

We sleep in separate beds, he does his own washing. He mostly sleeps in at weekends until 8:30 whilst I am an early riser and up with the kids. It’s truly awful and I have asked what we can do so I can take a step back from work (my job is super intense and high pressured) and his response has always been that he cannot put anything else financially in. He pays a v small mortgage and a small amount towards childcare, but I pay everything else. My car needs changing and he doesn’t have the time to help me with what I’m looking for, my property rental has maintenance issues and he is hopeless at helping or engaging so I have to work it out myself on top of everything else or ask dad for help.

He makes his own dinner every evening as refuses to eat what the kids and I eat- he wants scrambled eggs every single evening. He cooks said eggs and I come into the kitchen the next morning 60% of the time with the remains of his dinner from the night before still on the floor / on the kitchen counter because he hadn’t been arsed to clean it.

Even if there were no inheritance and pre/post nup issues, you should divorce him for being a total arsehole and leech. He is draining you dry in every single way, financially and emotionally.

Your life will be so much better and happier without him.

Movingon2024 · 15/04/2026 05:47

Op re your dd - her anxiety is likely connected to living in such a dysfunctional household. And the threat hanging over her of the family breaking up.

but once that is lanced and she’s in a calm and stable environment she will flourish I promise. Esp if you can get her a good child therapist to support her along the way.

my son had the same issue. Anxiety through the roof for years. Now a calm, stable and confident teenager. It was getting out that made that happen. Without it, he’d have been in psych care by now, I believe.

Movingon2024 · 15/04/2026 05:47

Op re your dd - her anxiety is likely connected to living in such a dysfunctional household. And the threat hanging over her of the family breaking up.

but once that is lanced and she’s in a calm and stable environment she will flourish I promise. Esp if you can get her a good child therapist to support her along the way.

my son had the same issue. Anxiety through the roof for years. Now a calm, stable and confident teenager. It was getting out that made that happen. Without it, he’d have been in psych care by now, I believe.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 15/04/2026 05:38

Oh and you need a divorce. No point flogging a dead horse.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 15/04/2026 05:37

I know a very good family/divorce lawyer who handled my mum’s tricky divorce with similar issues many years ago, if you’d like details. Not cheap though. Holborn based firm.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 15/04/2026 05:34

MouseMama · 15/04/2026 02:26

I think you need professional advice re putting the family business into a discretionary trust instead of inheriting it fully.

She needs a heck of a lot of legal advice that I do know.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 15/04/2026 05:33

ThatBlackCat · 15/04/2026 04:30

Firstly 'prenups' are not even a thing in the UK (if that's where you are), let alone ''post nup'. People watch these American movies and tv shows and genuinely think they're actually a thing. They're not. They are worth less than the paper they're written on. They are not a thing in the UK and stand for nothing and are not actionable in the UK. So forget about this 'prenup'/'postnup' thing. It's not relevant to you.

Secondly, as he is a deadbeat father and husband and does nothing, why should he get the house? He should move out, get a house or flat on his own, and you and the children stay in the house. I'd give him his marching orders now, and just give him the amount he has paid on the mortgage to date.

This is my understanding too re them. And why most family/divorce lawyers I know advise against them or if they advise on them they do so with caution. Maybe it’s different in USA.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 15/04/2026 05:30

Swiftie1878 · 14/04/2026 22:04

Before everyone piles in, just to say, if you were a man you’d be torn to shreds on here.

You are married. What’s yours is his. What’s his is yours. You have no prenup or postnup. Why would he sign now with your relationship on the rocks, especially with three young children in the mix - he’ll need finances to be able to see them and accommodate them, just like you.

Do what’s right for your whole family and not just you.

This. The little I know about working with pre nups when I worked as a legal sec is they’re very tricky legally so most lawyers don’t advise on getting them. Or if they do so it’s with caution. Legally it is what pp said, what’s yours is his, half of it. That’s the way the law works.

prh47bridge · 15/04/2026 05:26

@mamato3rascals - There is a misunderstanding in your OP. Assuming you are in the UK, there is no 5-year limit on the validity of post nuptial agreements. Once it is entered into, a post nuptial agreement remains valid indefinitely unless it is amended by both parties. It is, however, a good idea to review the agreement regularly to ensure it still reflects current circumstances.

Reading your posts, it seems to me that you are focussing on the wrong thing. It sounds like your marriage has already failed, so you should focus on sorting out a divorce.

user1492757084 · 15/04/2026 05:07

Seek financial advice on your own.
Do everything to keep your family businesses out of reach of your husband. He is not trustworthy.
He did not earn them and he promised to not snatch them.
So seek legal and financial advice while your parents have the capacity to change structures to protect the generations of family work invested - so to carry forward to the generation after you..

You should never have married without proper advice and a legally binding contract with your DH.
Remember that for when your children are thinking of marrying.

Be prepared to have the children more than 50/50 if you separate because I seriously worry about how his personality will cause your children harm.

Purplerubberducky · 15/04/2026 04:50

Agree with others, he is emotionally abusing your children and sounds like a useless idiot. Get rid asap.

ThatBlackCat · 15/04/2026 04:30

Firstly 'prenups' are not even a thing in the UK (if that's where you are), let alone ''post nup'. People watch these American movies and tv shows and genuinely think they're actually a thing. They're not. They are worth less than the paper they're written on. They are not a thing in the UK and stand for nothing and are not actionable in the UK. So forget about this 'prenup'/'postnup' thing. It's not relevant to you.

Secondly, as he is a deadbeat father and husband and does nothing, why should he get the house? He should move out, get a house or flat on his own, and you and the children stay in the house. I'd give him his marching orders now, and just give him the amount he has paid on the mortgage to date.

Forthesteps · 15/04/2026 03:49

ToEatAPeach · 14/04/2026 22:29

Wow whatever happened to love?

OP's husband happened.

Quitelikeit · 15/04/2026 03:21

Since he hasn’t signed anything and has refused to:

Hold off receiving anything from your father.

Then make sure your property is split 50/50!

Then he will regret being greedy I’m sure!

IWasTangoed · 15/04/2026 03:14

OP, you really need legal advice ASAP. I have a fraction of the money you do and I looked into a trust for my child. I sought legal advice before separating from my partner (and we had no combined assets). By seeking actual professional advice, you are protecting your kid's inheritance as well as your own. It will give you the tools you need to make firm decisions.

Your DP is dreadful. Apart from being selfish, avoidant, and very calculating (his actions seem deliberate) he is also an irresponsible parent, manipulating a child in adult matters by blaming you to them (a parental agreement/ court order will stop him doing that in the future).

Absolutely leave him but take a day off work and get legal advice asap before doing so.

Tamtim · 15/04/2026 03:06

If you divorce now, surely you will continue to be the main care giver so would keep the house. Can you afford the mortgage on your own? If not, can you sell your investment property? He would get a percentage but you may get a much greater one.

If you think he won’t leave you should look into getting an eviction notice to force him out.

Your daughter is likely made more anxious due to her home environment. You might find that with time and support she will be much happier with you than having your husband in the house.

In your situation I would talk to a lawyer. I hope you can resolve things so you’re in a much happier place. It sounds like you’ve been in a rough situation for a while.

Marchitectmummy · 15/04/2026 03:06

Get professional advice but do face your marriage has actually ended far earlier than now. Your children will not flourish with this relationship as it is.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/04/2026 02:55

@mamato3rascals

Your marriage is dead as a dodo. You need to see a solicitor asap. Take a 'snapshot' of family finances; assets, incomes, outgoes, etc, so they can give you an idea of what you might expect financially.

As far as the house the options are one of you buys out the other or the house gets sold and equity split. Just because he's 'attached' that doesn't mean he gets to stay there 'forever' without buying you out. That's not how divorce works.

And you will not be 'breaking up the family'. He's doing that by reneging on his promise and the fact that he's pretty much checked out of family life. And your DD will be fine. There may be a period of upset and adjustment, but divorce is pretty common. Chances are there are just as many children in her 'social circle' in one parent homes as there are in two parent homes so she'll see many children happily going between Mummy's house and Daddy's house. As far as what you say you can say "Sometimes mummies and daddies can't get along anymore. When that happens it's best that they don't live in the same house anymore. But Mummy and Daddy love you to pieces and always will". If he tries the 'look what Mummy is doing to you/doing to Daddy' bullshit, report it to your solicitor. Parental alienation is taken seriously.

Tamtim · 15/04/2026 02:55

Divorce now and split the house and any assets. Surely then any inheritance later on will be yours alone.

ChampagneLassie · 15/04/2026 02:52

Sorry just read your last update irrespective of the inheritance please leave this man. He sounds terrible husband and parent. I’m sure you’ll all be happier without him in your lives. And perhaps you can draw from the family money to help you be in a better place ie reduce your work stress have more help. You’re basically a single parent now anyways in terms of what you’re managing.

disapointingdessert · 15/04/2026 02:48

Your husband isn’t throwing everything into your marriage. I’d start the divorce.

ChampagneLassie · 15/04/2026 02:47

People are so wary of trusts but they’re perfect for this sort of scenario. . Family leave assets to a discretionary trust for benefit of you/kids. You draw from as you need the money. No assets within your our hands at all, so husband can’t touch. They don’t have to be difficult to access or draw from but there are additional costs and taxes and complicity compared to if the money were in your hands but safeguards from husband and also means it’s not in your estate for IHT purposes. Find a STEP specialist lawyer & a IFA