DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

Surely if dad leaves the inheritance to grandchildren now. OP gets divorced, then Dad rewrites will, it should work out ok? Are divorce settlements based on ‘what you might get’ or what is actually an asset at the time of divorce?

Horse has bolted

Prenup worthless anyway

OP, don't feel guilty about breaking the family up. There is no family to break up as your DH doesn't engage in family life and you are living separate lives. He is treating you all very badly if he won't even eat with you and the kids. The kids will be fine as he hardly sounds like a loving father. They never spend any time with him. This is more damaging to your kids than divorcing him. You don't want them growing up thinking this is how men treat their wives and children.

The reason he won't agree to the pre nup is that he knows you will inherit and he wants half. The only way to stop this is divorce him now. It's one thing if he was a decent husband but he's not.

I think it’s seems you have become a bit of a boiled frog and just accepted and justified his behaviour as it’s gotten worse and worse.

I think without speaking to your DH, you need to speak to your dad and then go with him to a solicitor to work out how best to divorce the useless husband. Whilst at the same time seeing a therapist who will help you work out how best to deal with his behaviour to the children and possibly getting them help when the time is right.

Do not raise any of this with your husband until you have a concrete plan of action. He isn’t a good man. He is going to emotionally blackmail you for as long as possible and you need to be strong. He is trying to turn your dd against you and that should make you angry.

I would act quickly on this though, it’s unfair on everyone living in such a toxic atmosphere and whilst hopefully nothing happens to your dad/ parents for a long time, it will be easier to deal with this now. Right now it sounds like you have a lot less to give away and you have support.

I wouldn’t tell anyone to stay in such a marriage so their spouse had a claim on their inheritance and tbh I don’t believe anyone is entitled to their partners inheritance unless it’s desperately needed for the children.

I’m sorry you are in this position. However the simple fact is if you wanted any kind of pre-nup type thing, it needed to be sorted pre-marriage. There’s no way he’s going to sign away anything now. You need to focus on the here and now, and the situation you are in now, get legal advice and divorce him.

You didn't get the prenup sorted, and you went on with the wedding regardless. You're now paying the price for this. You're married, everything is 50 50. "His word" won't stand up in a court of law.

It's shit, but you really did bring this on yourself.

Start the ball rolling on the divorce today.

Grey rock any attempts at manipulation. Maybe draft yourself some stock phrases you can use when he starts up:

"The divorce is going ahead. You'll need to speak to a solicitor about that."

"We'll discuss housing and child arrangements at mediation once we have both spoken to solicitors."

"I've made my decision and it isn't going to change. Speak to your solicitor about any concerns you have."

I would also strongly recommend talking to the children yourself to explain what is happening. Its unlikely you'll be able to do it with him without him upsetting them in an attempt to manipulate you. You can find suggested age appropriate scripts online for what to tell them.

Men tend to react very badly if the female partner out does them in terms of earnings or wealth. They will go all out to sabotage her and take her money from her.

The trust only ever loans you money, it never gives. The trust should also hold meetings where the intergenerational nature of this money is documented and confirmed. You need proper advice.

You need to start the process. Your children will already be noticing that you don't eat together, sleep together etc - that's not the idea of a living relationship you want them to have. You can control the narrative. When he says 'mummy is breaking up the family' you reply with ' mummy is doing what she things is best for everyone so we can all be happy'

My DD is 10 now and such a daddy's gir, but since we separated 5 years ago she knows we are both happier and she herself is very happy

Divorce. He is abusive and far from protecting your children you are modelling a really dysfunctional relationship.

I'd see a solicitor urgently and also discuss with your father whether or not he can assist you financially post divorce. It makes sense to negotiate a clean break divorce now so he potentially takes a larger share of the house so you can expedite the divorce and have no further pension or other claim on your assets.

But get out of this "marriage". It sounds like a horrendous way to live for you and your children and your parents must be so anxious about you.

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Please listen to all of these posters OP. Maybe get yourself a divorce coach who specialises in supporting you through the emotional side of things: dealing with his manipulations and threats and the stress of it all. Believe me it doesn’t get easier and you are more resilient when you are younger. I waited and am going through divorce now. For all kinds of reasons it would’ve been a lot easier ten years ago and I think my children would have more respect for me.

These kind of men eat away at your self esteem and undermine you to your children. It’s harder for them to do that when you don’t live with them as they can see the competent, reliable parent and all that you do behind the scenes.

Please let this be your wake up call @mamato3rascals !

You need to pick up the phone NOW and call your solicitor.

You need to do it to protect your children, yourself, and your family business. NOW.

He will not change.

He will never sign a post nup.

He will never be a good father to his children.

He will never be a good husband to you.

Ring the solicitor. NOW.

💐💐💐

If you do proceed with divorce, I'd strongly advise a financial order too, so he can't later claim on your inheritance. This would involve buying him out of the family home, stopping any joint accounts, splitting any other assets.

If you want him to remain in the family home (separate rooms, separate lives) then you could offer for him to be your lodger.

@mamato3rascals My very dear friend was in a situation similar to you, she was the higher earner in a very stressful job and dealt with everything for the children and at home. They discussed divorce and he too emotionally blackmailed her through the children. Six months after a family member passed leaving her a very generous inheritance he initiated a separation and then divorce. He went after everything, her inheritance, pension (he had never contributed to one himself claiming he couldn't afford to), joint home, assets, basically everything he could. Despite the emotional blackmail through the children, he refused 50:50 custody opting for every other weekend (and half the time his parents enabled that).

My lovely friend was brought to her knees. He drew things out for as long as he could and made things so difficult through weaponised incompetence. This man who once struggled so much became a shrewd strategist at ensuring he got exactly what he wanted. In short, my friend was caught on the back foot and has paid a high price financially and emotionally. It has brought her to the brink of a breakdown. It has also severely impacted the children because my friend was the competent, stable and steadfast parent, the one that took care of home, school, homework etc. He watched her and the children struggle and never stepped up, claiming that he just wasn't very good at that sort of thing.

Please, for your own sake and that of the children, divorce this man. Be fair with the assets you both own now - do not take into consideration future inheritances, no one knows what the future holds. My friend's child has since been diagnosed with a condition that has required several stays in hospital, meaning that she could no longer work full time. Unsurprisingly this too has fallen on my friend's shoulders as the de facto parent. Protect yourself and your children.

You are going to divorce regardless. It better to do it now and not lose a shit load of money. Also, I think younger kids are very resilient. I think older kids struggle with divorce more.

You need to divorce now. He's manipulating you through your kids. If he tells your daughter that you are separating your family, you tell her in an age appropriate way that daddy will always be her family. You will be living separately because people don't always get on, and it's better to live separately and be happy than together and unhappy. File and follow through. He doesn't add any value to your life.

What confuses me is that you didn't trust him or the relationship enough to simply marry without any qualifying financial agreement (I'm not judging you for that, just stating that that's how it was), yet you feel the trust involved in "his word" that he would sign such an agreement later is sacrosanct and you clearly judge him for not living up to it.

If you wanted a marriage of full and unqualified trust you should have simply done so.

If you wanted one qualified by a prenup you should have got one. (It's not clear from your OP why you couldn't wait long enough to do this, when it is clearly so important to you).

Now? I'm not sure why it's so important. The sums involved are presumably millions, as you've said they're substantially more than the 900K value of the house. So even if you divorce and he does get 50%, it's hardly going to leave you destitute. You're going to all this trouble and worry over a possible future loss of money you don't need, should your relationship - which you're committed to now - irrevocably break down some time in the future.

You probably need to make the decision now that you should have made before marrying: that you either want a marriage based on unqualified trust or you don't. If you do then forget about the inheritance. If you don't then get divorced.

I've only read your posts OP. What a complete arse this man is. Do you truly think your kids will be 'crushed' if you divorce? Children are amazingly adaptable. You're living separate lives and It sounds like he doesn't give them much at the moment, so perhaps it wouldn't ruin their lives so much. He's setting an awful example by having you do all the housework, life admin, childcare etc while he contributes sod all. I'd get that divorce in order and a strong financial settlement completed, so that he has no claims on any future money or assets coming your way.

I can see why what he says to your DD gives you pause, OP. But it's probably the biggest reason here to go ahead and divorce him (and you have mentioned MANY reasons you need to do this). Massive red flag. Your kids will realise - probably sooner than you think - that what he says doesn't hold. You are their stable, loving caregiver, and they will totally know that.

Please listen to everyone here and divorce this man ASAP, carefully and with good legal/financial advice and your dad fully onboard. You will regret it from so many different perspectives later if you don't.

Good luck and congratulations on taking the first step towards this.

I'd divorce straight away before any inheritance. And no way in hell would I leave current assets solely to him. Why would you do that?

Yes, I'd advise the same to a man too.
Money always come before 'love'. You'll find another man, OP, no shortage of them. Just don't marry next time, keep your money separate.

You sound a highly empathetic woman. Well done you. Have you heard the saying 'What goes around, comes around'?

Lots of people on here who have never been involved in a family business giving very poor advice. Ignore them.
Is the family business a limited company? It should be. Thus some of it would be protected from the divorce. I am in no way an expert in company law.
You need to see a solicitor. You need to understand how the business is set up and the implications of divorce.
Also, if you have money of your own, which has never been in a joint account, that he has never had access to, that could be ring fenced. He may be entitled to half of your joint assets, but will probably get less. Assuming that you keep the kids, you should keep the house. Or is it his house? I didn't understand the bit about not moving house. A solictor can advise.
A talk with the family accountant is also advisable. They too, can advise about how the business can be structured to protect it from divorce. They can also advise regarding estate planning, inheritance tax etc.