DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

This.

Start divorce proceedings. If that concentrates his mind enough to follow through on his promise, then fine. If it doesn’t follow through with the divorce. Are you sure a prenup would stand up in court - many don’t in the UK.

Your dad should make it known that he has changed his will, so family wealth will pass direct to your children but held in trust until they are 21. Then you file for divorce and end the relationship, dividing your shared money 50:50.

After you are free, your dad can change his will again to benefit you.

Your children will be less anxious when not being forced to live with a sham marriage.

I have never heard of a post nup !

If you are unhappy, apply for a no fault divorce ASAP

This. If you think that staying together for the kids is best, then you are gravely mistaken. They see the way he treats you like dirt and his obvious lack of any fatherly love for them, and it will be driving painful wounds through their hearts over and over again. Especially when they see a man, their own dad, being so cruel to their mum.
They will in no way be 'shattered'. Have you not considered that your daughter's anxiety could be greatly relieved when she's removed from this toxic environment and you can protect her yourself?
Sometimes you gotta pull the band aid off to get any healthy healing. And certainly this toxic environment you're all festering in is just going to get worst.

It isn’t ridiculous. At all.
I would proceed to divorce as quickly as possible.

What were the reasons for not signing before marriage? I struggle to understand why you'd take his word for it. If you could trust his word surely a formal agreement wouldn't be needed anyway?

Can’t your family put things in trust? Trusts aren’t included in divorces.

To be honest, if someone promised me they’d sign something then back tracked, I wouldn’t trust them again. I’d divorce .

While you are still married, can your father change his will to benefit either your dcs, or set up a Trust fund?

I'm not entirely sure what you're asking here OP.

I will give you an example of my situation though. I divorced a fairly wealthy man 20 years go. He is no longer required to make payment for my (now adult) children, but continues to pay spousal maintenance, until the day I die, or co-habit. it's all quite simple.

I hope that this will give you some guidance as to what might be available.

Good luck.

File for divorce...this is unreasonable behaviour on his side. He is not engaging with you on an issue which is vitally important to you and your family. Clearly he's only in it for your money. You've given him all the chances and he's sticking two fingers up at you. It's a no brainer.

@mamato3rascals

I agree with this. Say NOTHING. Go 'stealth'. Your best weapon right now is keeping silent about any plans or thoughts you may have.

Say nothing about divorce, say nothing about any plans re the inheritance. Especially say nothing about seeing a solicitor.

Quietly educate yourself and make your plans. Speak only when you are fully ready to execute them.

If you divorce after being left an inheritance you can still keep it if you ring fence it after receiving it.
I’m newly divorced the judge said it was fine for me to keep my inheritance as it was left to me and I hadn’t spent any of it.
My exH was suitably housed after splitting everything else 50:50.
PS I did end up sharing it with him for a number of personal reasons.

Do not let shock or emotion paralyze you. You don’t really have time to spend hand wringing.

If you don’t take action then you run the very real risk of losing out on any inheritance from your father. His wealth isn’t your inheritance whilst he is still alive, and he can take his own measures to prevent your husband having any claim on it. I’ve seen this type of thing happen before (and seen it come as quite the shock to someone that didn’t know what his parents had privately done).

A question for you. I'm not a lawyer but as I understand it, prenups aren't legally binding and post nups are uncommon and aren't either.

If he signs a post nup now, is there not a risk that he will then claim he was forced to do so without the knowledge you intended to leave him? And could then drag out any settlement.

Whereas if you divorce him now, prior to coming into any money, you are more likely to walk away with more. Albeit, if you earn more, you will probably be paying him a settlement, maintenance or both (and possibly part of your pension).

If you want to get divorced, IMO, having been through it myself, you will not end up with everything you want at the end of it. Whether that's custody, money, etc etc. Accept that and you'll be happier for it.

Please divorce him asap. THe DC will adapt - it sounds as though he's not particularly present in their lives anyway. And without the stress he causes you, your DC will be more stable.

I was a child of a father & mother whose relationship deteriorated - although I was a bit older. Living with the constant sense of an argument about to break out is not great for kids; neither is an unengaged father and an anxious stressed mother.

It's not your fault - he sounds like a passive-aggressive monster.

... am tormented at her thinking I’m breaking up the family

Better that than have her emulate this relationship, thinking this is normal.

it would be interesting to see how he reacted!
But personally I wouldnt tell him anything. Dont get drawn into discussions about the future, just carry on as normal whilst privately planning your exit OP,

I would leave him. The trust would be gone for me.

. He makes all those claims to me. I am shook.

I'm saying this gently, but if you're 'shook' that's a good thing. It means you're opening your eyes and seeing reality.

The step after 'seeing' is 'doing'. And what you need to be doing is seeing a solicitor. It doesn't mean you're going to file anything now. It just means you're educating yourself as to what divorce may mean to you and how the process works. And possibly how your parents can protect this future inheritance for the time being. Knowledge is power and forewarned is forearmed.

This - including the house and leave you a small monthly payment from said trust. Separate trusts for your 3 kids and personally I’d divorce a man so spineless he can’t have an adult conversation.

Chances are your kids are picking up on all the tension - be brave and make one big decision rather than die slowly by a thousand cuts.

Perhaps try to look at this objectively as if you were advising an unhappy adult child.

Depending on jurisdiction, In the short term, your DF needs to bite the bullet and change his will to leave your inheritance in trust. This has costs and, as you say, in some circumstances once a drawing is made then it can become part of the marriage pot (Italy v Germany...) but until the divorce if final then it's better than leaving the estate at the whim of a divorce court judge.

Then as PPs have said, your DH isn't treating you well and you are not behaving financially rationally. Get advice about divorce while you have the money to oay solicitors fees and can support yourself. At it's worse, the current position is the result of deeply cynical decisions from before the marriage by your DH to delay the pre-nup. He may try and drag things out for years so you are trusting to luck by delaying things yourself. His reaction will be interesting but his actions now are indicative.

Good luck

Knew we'd inevitably get a 'if this post was written by a man' but lo and behold its from a woman who provides everything in the family unit. He hasn't jeopardised any of his earning power for the fAmily and yet expects to be financially compensated as if he has.

Divorce him, but first contact Women's Aid about the emotional abuse. He sounds like the type who will act like a grade A arsehole, emotionally chipping away at you and dragging out the divorce. The sooner you can get him out of the home the better.

Exactly - and those who think you can just swap the sexes without taking into account the system those sexes live in, are either cognitively challenged, wilfully blind, or deeply invested in that system continuing to thrive.

See also all the idiots on the 'male stripper at hen do vs stag do lapdance club' thread.

You need to divorce asap