DH has reneged on post nup he had promised (pre marriage) he would enter into to protect family inheritance

Forgot to say - also, please don't buy new washing machines etc for him, not even 'cheap' ones. Either get second-hand ones, or let him go to the bloody launderette/ put his hand in his own pocket.

Yes, decorating their rooms in your existing home would be mad. especially as your soon-to-be-ex may well have to sell the place at some point in the next year, after you've moved out.

Your insistence that the future arrangement must be 50:50 also comes across as a bit crazy. From everything you've said, he has never - at any point in the lives of your 3 children - done anything like 50% of the work required in raising them. What makes you think that he'll magically step up and become a competent, reliable parent now?

Far better to (as they say on MN) "get your ducks in a row" and collate all the evidence you'll be able to use to prove that you are their main carer, that you've been responsible for organising pretty much every aspect of their lives (everything from dealing with the school to taking them to the dentist to buying them new shoes/clothes to cooking every single meal they eat...)

Any decent lawyer would easily be able to ensure you get close to full custody. It really doesn't sound like their father will ever really prioritise the needs of the DC over his job/ personal lifestyle.

I can see that you're keen to bend over backwards so he can't complain about you treating him unfairly. But be assured - he will doubtless complain (to your DD, to his parents, to his work colleagues, to any woman unfortunate enough to date him in future.. basically, to anyone who'll listen!) of unfairness whatever you do or don't do at this stage. He is a selfish, over-entitled, disrespectful jerk.

He does not deserve any more from you!
Your children will survive this! They'll probably thank you in years to come, when they fully understand what a wastrel their father is, and how much you've done for them.

PS: I was horrified to read your updates about how much he's been spending on things like the car, the patio-renovation etc and that he's set up a surveillance system to keep an eye on you and your movements 24 hours a day (don't kid yourself it's for security purposes - if it was he'd have made sure you had access to the footage). You could put black electrical tape over the cameras/ movement sensers.

If you haven't inherited it yet, how can he have a claim, if you divorce now?

I'm not sure prenups or postnups stand in UK law, particularly in a relatively long marriage with children. Before causing a huge row I would talk to a lawyer, but without his consent in writing I'm pretty sure there is nothing you can do, a verbal promise probably doesn't count as a contract.

Apologies. Did,nt rtt.

This.

Rich families have been doing these for years.

Pre /post nups are not watertight and it's clear he's not going to engage.

@mamato3rascals i wouldn’t be telling him he doesn’t deserve it . Can you start slowly moving things to one room or out the house .
Tell him as close to living day as possible. .Taje all the help you can get . You are only keeping it secret incase you change your mind , that’s not a good thing .

Yes be honest with your dd . Tell her you don’t like her dad’s behaviour and it’s not making you happy and you don’t need to accept it . So you are leaving .

Whose rule of 50/50 is this ?
Not chance I’d agree to that with a man who hasn’t parented his children even once.
Tell him every second weekend and wed from school pick up and drop off for bed or after a hobby for example. Do what’s best for your kids if he wants more he can fight for it.

@mamato3rascals He’s not bipolar but he is scared of the gravy train running dry . He only cares about himself. Or he would never have done that with the letter informed your kids.
Id have told you dd yes you do want a divorce . The sooner you are out of there and have your kids settled the better.
I homeboy don’t think you will look back. He is horrible for you all to be around.

Given that winter is coming and it's likely to rain a lot and it sounds as though husband won't arrange any repairs, I think you should try to get the leak fixed before you go, if you possibly can. At least get the quotes for it now, and then organise it from the distance of your new rental.
The house is your asset too, and much better for it to be in a reasonable state as it sounds as though you will need to sell it in due course. Water does a lot of damage and can cause additional problems.
You're doing great @mamato3rascals and your life will soon be so much better!

So pleased to read your update Op! Full steam ahead!

Turn your WiFi off and the camera notifications won’t work

Decorating the bedrooms won't make him any nicer. She's only got two weeks.

I thought @LAMPS1 had some good points about not letting guilt lead her into overwhelming herself and streamlining what she has to do and then discuss it later, when she's moved.

and @AcrossthePond55 advice was also good OP.

I would move your DS bedroom in the family home and decorate their rooms there cheaply with their choices. You promised it so do it, one less thing their Dad can be nasty about.

Perhaps get them new bedding/soft furnishings for the old house, so it feels nicer but you are not having to paint/buy new furniture there.
I hope your new home will be a place of peace and happy memories for you and your dc

No need to decorate because you are giving them new bedrooms, I would actually make the move about them to ease the emotional side. They get to pick colours, beds etc......

The only thing I would consider doing is swapping rooms with DS, so that when you move out he has a dry bedroom.

So glad that you have got to the point of a plan to leave. We spoke a bit offline at the start of your thread. Very relieved that your parents are getting their own legal advice to check their assets are safe.

I would also shelve and make sure you destroy any copies of the prenup now. It sounds as though you would be automatically giving away a lot more with the prenup than you could potentially have to without it. You can be fair to him whilst also ensuring your assets are protected for your DCs future now.

As others have suggested, don’t mention divorce until you have safely moved out. You can then have your solicitor send him a letter if you don’t want to be the one to have the conversation. In the meantime, if he tries to have that conversation, give some ‘holding’ response to delay him until you are away from him.

Totally agree with pp that you should not be decorating your old house. Focus the DCs on their new bedrooms and let them choose new items for there.

I also would not be replacing any items/white goods that you remove. The value of what you remove is likely to be significantly less than what you are leaving there.

As for not using your parents movers in case they gossip … let them. What does it matter? I wish you all the luck, op.

@mamato3rascals

I agree with others, NO decorating in the 'family home'. But I'd decorate to the hilt in the new rental. And I'd let them pick what they want, even if it's not to your (or anybody else's) taste. I think it will make the 'new house' easier for them to accept if they get free rein in their 'own space'. It can always be 'toned down' later.

As far as 'the talk' that he's wanting, frankly I'd dodge it as much as possible. It will serve no purpose. If he's not expecting a divorce to come out of his refusal to sign the post-nup then the more fool him.

And I wouldn't want to 'forewarn' him if I could possibly avoid it. My advice is 'file first, talk later' which is the advice I received from my own (US) attorney. My esDH didn't know I'd filed for a legal separation until our eldest son served him the first set of papers. My situation is different as we're retired, with about equal income, and our DC are adults. But I think the advice is still good. You want to 'control the timeline' by being the one to file. Don't assume he won't get legal advice on his own once you tell him that a divorce will be happening.

Do not decorate the old house, even cheaply. Your husband will still make you feel guilty, no matter what.

Also this whole process is going to be mentally and physically exhausting for you. Just be careful. Don’t waste your energy on any non-essential tasks. The emotional upheaval will take its toll so you need to be very careful and really look after yourself. Eat and sleep regularly do a bit of exercise but really put your health first.

You are muddying the waters with your guilt OP, although I do understand your wish to leave everything nice for the children.

I don’t see how you can decorate their bedrooms in the next two/three weeks before you move in to your new home with them. Isn’t that a practical impossibility if you are working full time ?

You already have so much to organise single-handedly without him knowing or suspecting and consequently becoming upset/angry.

Prioritise and streamline what you need to do ready for as smooth a transition to your rental as possible without him knowing.

Keep it all as simple and calm as possible until you are all used to the new situation.

He is already slightly suspicious. Wouldn’t a flurry of sudden and hurried decorating alert him or make him angry to think you are not being upfront about your plans ?

Do everything possible not to make him angry before you leave.

Then, after you are settled in the new home, you can talk about how to fix up the old house which is still at least half yours remember. It sounds as if it needs proper repairs and renovation rather than just surface decoration.

One thing at a time. Don’t take too much on. Just wait to see how things go. You need all your energy and patience and finances for dealing with the move to the new house.
Good luck !

Don’t decorate the house you’re leaving.

Think about it oh I got a lovely new bedroom now I can’t sleep in it or mum stole you away from your lovely new room.

Decorate their new rooms in your home.

@mamato3rascals

Also, how would they feel if you decorated and then moved them out?!

Agree with others ref. NEVER LET HIM IN YOUR NEW HOME!!

Given they’ll spend more time with you anyway, just do their new room in your new home how you would. You’re still keeping to the agreement, mostly anyway.

If they want the ones done at the dad’s house also done, you can negotiate that later.

Don’t burn yourself out, or over reach, by guilt.

No I wouldn't rush into decorating their rooms at his place. You have enough on your plate.

Yes, I agree with pps, you can follow through with your promise and decorate their new bedrooms at your house.

FWIW when I left the family home and moved into a rental, it was pretty grim. Everything was bright green - the carpet, the kitchen, the hideous vertical blinds. But we made it our home, and my kids (now in their 20s) say how much they loved it there - for them, it was all about the 'vibe' as they would say. Calm and happy.