AIBU to worry my daughter is getting engaged too soon?

I got engaged at 22. So did most of my female friends. Not one of us went on to marry the person we got engaged to at that age. Doesn’t mean that she won’t, but it did seem to be a thing that we all did and then changed our mind about.

She should apply for graduate scheme at local council and maybe consider teach first? Look at internships abroad eg Hong Kong Singapore? A bookkeeping course now to help her get onto an accounting graduate scheme?

I agree with others - support her, celebrate and try to talk. It may see young but actually the other comment about him being the only good thing etc is the worry. It may be true and that they are in love etc but also a way to hold onto that stability. Engagements can be as long as they want! However, I was 21 at uni when I met my husband- 4 months later we had to decide if I was staying in the city or going back home. I stayed, we bought a house, were engaged after 1 year, married after 2 and had our first child after 3 years - that was 25 years ago and we are still together so the fact they’ve been together for two years is quite respectable!

She can be engaged for a few years and use that time to have adventures like travel work abroad or do a masters or work in another city

22 and she hasn’t even lived with him. Yes I’d be worried too. It’s daft.

People are still maturing until mid - late 20s, so I don't think the concern that she is choosing something she may grow out of is invalid. And I can see why the narrative that she's looking to her relationship to fulfill a sense of accomplishment and growth that a "proper" job would have hopefully provided may also be on the nose.

But getting married isn't something that can't be fixed if it ends up being a mistake. Thankfully we have moved on from that sort of locked in approach to life. And since her job hunt isn't going as well as she'd hoped it may be a good thing she has this to stop her feeling like she's going nowhere.

Congratulate her. Make her feel good about herself. Tell her how proud you are of her for everything she's done so far. Be an open and positive force in her life that she wants to turn to no matter how things are going. Do not voice your concerns but always let her know she comes first for you and keep encouraging her to try and find a job that she will love and excel at.

22 is perfect age to get marriage and have kids. What are you worried could happen beyond normal risks of break up etc?!

Why aren’t they living together? He’s living in the easiest place in the country to find a job and she’s sat at home unemployed?

I do think it’s weird to get engaged without having lived together.

"Hopefully" the relationship dies off?

Fucking hell, how mean spirited is that.

She's a 22 year old adult. What OP does is congratulate her, be pleased that she is happy in her relationship to agree to get married and keep any other thoughts to herself.

In one way I agree until it all goes wrong and it is 'mum and or dad i have to move back home and live with you with all my children' so who has to pick up the pieces time and time again when there are red flags people deliberately choose to ignore and blindly go into things with blinkers on

I do have thoughts on this, and those thoughts are that she is a grown woman and perfectly capable of making her own life choices. You sound quite overbearing to me.

Partners of current civil servants usually get a preference for jobs they are eligible to apply for under any of these programs:
https://www.civil-service-careers.gov.uk/gfie-pathways/

under a local hire exception. Ie your DD’s bloke is posted to Cyprus or Singapore. Much cheaper to hire locally than to ship another Brit out. So she gets a leg up for joining CS herself.

But what if he is the right guy?

I met my husband when I was 19 although did wait and we got married at 29. 45 now.

She’s an adult so unfortunately you have no say in the matter and will possibly push her away if you share your negative opinions with her.

We were engaged at 22, we’ve been very happily married for more than 25 years.

I’ve had a great career.

My cousin was engaged at 18, they have been very happily married for more than 20 years. She’s also had a great career.

I know there are legitimate arguments for waiting until you are a bit more “grown up” before getting married but to be honest the couples I know who are divorced or unhappy all got married in their 30s so being older doesn't guarantee a successful marriage.

Maybe. But what can you do? Its her journey to go on.

And honestly a lot of marriages end in divorce anyway.
At least shes in love and he seems like a decent lad.
Shes got her degree. She will be pretty much fine whatever happens.
Even if the marriage doesn't last, if thats the worst mistake she ever makes in her life she will have lived a very charmed life

So she’s an adult, has been with somebody a couple of years, has finished her degree and you think it’s worryingly early?

..Really?

For what it’s worth all my friends who put off the marriage/settling stuff to their late 20s regretted it - the good men get snapped up surprisingly early. Most of them are still single and the ones that aren’t are with manchildren or struggling to conceive.

There is no right order to do things. Having a stable career before marriage doesn’t increase your chances of wealth or a happy marriage. And if he is civil service, she won’t be tied to a single place. There will also be lots of help to find her a job as the wife of a CS wherever they get sent. She can build an impressive CV that way.

According to the poster Zov at 21:52 it lasted 77 years. 😉

I was only reporting on averages.
Then why the long engagement? After two years you should know if you want marriage or not. There is no reason to wait. Marriage has no impact on career for a woman.

The longer the engagement the more likely they are to cheat???
A quick marriage means they won't cheat????
If they are likely to cheat they shouldn't be getting married at all - they should be splitting up!

Married early too, I was on the CS fast stream myself. It made it easy for my husband to accompany me and I supported him while he did an online graduate degree. That’s what you do when the economy is bad, you partner up and consider getting more education or civil service or both.

There is no need for a long engagement or saving for a wedding either.
weddings are a waste of money when the economy is tight and the longer the engagement the more likely one or the other will cheat.