AIBU to keep working when the children may need me more?

This is too simplistic. It depends on the home, for one! And I think there are a lot of positives to nursery, but there is a middle ground to be had here. It doesn’t have to be stay at home mum vs full time working mum in the majority of cases.

Wow. I thought we had grown out of shaming women for their lifestyle choices.

Keep working but consider dropping a day or cut down your hours so you don't get burned out.

It's important for children to see both parents role model working. You will get bored being a SAHM.

Its really not. Children thrive best with a parent at home really. Its such a shame often they rarely have it these days

It is more complex than that, and to be honest I only partly think it’s a ‘will I look back and …’ thing. Not everyone is well suited to being a stay at home parent to preschoolers, and when I say ‘stay at home’ I mean part time as well I guess. I certainly didn’t love my days off with toddler ds, and I don’t always massively love them with dd but I endured them because I do think that’s what’s best for them. (Sorry if that sounds a bit wanky but it is how I honestly feel.)

Poverty is the real cause of societal ill and I would always advocate for any parent trying to avoid that but that doesn’t seem to be the case for you.

It isn’t a clear cut decision but my personal opinion would be to reduce to three days if possible.

I understand your position. So long as your husband appreciates your contribution …

Sounds like it may well be a case of you stepping sideways - part time for a bit. Sounds like it will entail career sacrifice on your part - he needs to see that.

I think a lot of tiny kids find the all day nursery too much for them. Introverts exist at all ages! I had one who liked hustle and bustle and to hear drums and screaming all day and thrived on it. The other needed peace from babyhood. We had to make other arrangements - part time nursery, part time shared nanny, part time with mum who changed jobs to be able to have a day off every week. But I kept my hand in as I knew I always wanted to work. Kids are expensive - particularly now that the state offering in terms of education, medical and dental often needs supplemented privately.

Women/mothers can no longer afford to do this to their own detriment and op has money to make sure she doesn't have to sacrifice her earning power and financial independance completely.

I gave up my working life for our youngest who is disabled, I would seriously reccomend to NOT give up your job.

Things you can do, look for a better suited nursery, different forms of childcare, childminder, nanny share or specialist settings in LA nursery/portage.

Both you AND your husband looking at changing/reducing hours.

Whatever you try, do not give your job up.

Hardly horrible and outdated to prioritise your kids.

These threads 🙄

I mean yes, get a nanny, get a housekeeper, get a childminder, get a cleaner, get a gardener, get a cook, a chauffeur and a bloody butler if you want.

The children want to be with their own parent(s)!

I did three days when DC were young. Could you reduce to that? I still had some crying occasionally to deal with - but so did my DM with my DB when he started school and she was a SAHM then.

Or an older lady - granny type.

What about a home help? Maybe a student or senior school kid who lives nearby and would both welcome some pocket money and is responsible enough to be good with kids. They could do school pick ups a couple of days or even just be there to play with kids and help with homework for an hour or two.

I’ve known great success stories from this. One acquaintance’s three young sons benefited greatly from their adopted big sister neighbour and were disappointed when it was mum or dad dong pickup instead.

You don't actually say other than "The crying at drop offs etc." what the problem is?

If nursery are telling you that they're inconsolable, never settling or similar - then yes I'd consider other options. Part time? Working weekends instead of during the week? If not, then no I don't think crying at drop off is anything to worry about.

I had two in nursery until school btw, they're in college now, so I'm saying the above with the benefit of having lived it!

I did go part time but my dh applied for flexible working too. Whilst I earned less money my job was no less important to me and I work in healthcare so it is vocational to me too. We both chose to have a family so practically looked at how we could achieve a balance that works for us financially because let's face it the mortgage, bills etc do need to be paid but also considered the impact on our children and ourselves.That way I was able to keep a hand in the early years before they started school. Now my youngest is about to start school and I am now a locum allowing me to work around dh.

Falling into the trap of thinking his job is more important than yours is never a good idea. If he can apply for flexible working he should as currently he's the parents who is around less, not you. I'd say sit down together and work through your finances and what you actually want for your family. You haven't said what industry he is in and whether flexible working, reducing hours is even possible for him but I agree with other posters that it isn't necessarily yourself who should be making all the changes.

This is not about the money.

It is about whether you have to sacrifice something that is a big part of your identity and fulfillment.

You don't. You can make it work. Throw money at the problem, get a nanny, get whatever help you need to make the time you have with your dc be as good as possible, while outsourcing the lower quality time.

Your wellbeing and happiness matters too. You are a person, not just a mother.

I'm sure the whole family benefit from the bills being paid by the higher earner.

Loved how MN always delivers a bunch of posters who ignore the finances delivered by the higher earner and insist he (and it's always he, as a female higher earner is treated differently on MN) is also unloading the dishwasher as often or some such nonsense.

If you become an SAHM, what about your pension payments, OP? Or having your own spending money. You might want to have your partner to give you money to contribute to that as well as give you an allowance. Calculate your labour because child rearing is labour!

I know people always say stay home with children, but in the off chance that you and your partner split, you need to know that you're protected.

If your partner is that well off, can you get a child minder or something?

Sorry if this has been suggested already, but can you get a nanny and drop some of the nursery if money isn't an issue? More time at home for your children.

It’s a tricky one. Part time work would be ideal. Maybe a temporary more generalist role possibly in private sector for a while!

However on no account cut back in any way if your marriage isn’t rock solid and if you haven’t had the hard conversations with your husband. Make sure he acknowledges any career sacrifice you may make and that he accepts the need to equalise your financial positions. Eg he should be making pension contributions for you, you should have equal access to all family money etc. He should recognise that you are already carrying the childcare load with pick ups etc.

So many otherwise sensible people don’t - so forgive me for asking - but I’m assuming that on having children you both took out life insurance and made wills?

Have you explored flexible working?

I must admit when I did a specialist nurse role the slightest of Monday to Friday nearly killed me.

I'm back on shifts and its far easier

But my circumstances are different

1. Try to reduce your hours. But go with a plan, who will cover your hours?

1. Nanny to reduce stress and do drop off and pick ups?

Can he not reduce his hours?

DH wfhs 2/3 days a week which facilitates me working p/t.

When I went back to work it also meant childcare was more than my salary but long term if was the right decision.

Working makes you happy.

And you are already doing the lion's share of the childcare.

So what do you children need to be happy? What about nursery doesn't suit? Long days? Too busy/noisy? Are they still adjusting? A different nursery? A full-time nanny/childminder? A part-time one?