AIBU to keep working when the children may need me more?

@EvelynBeatrice people can do both ,a working life is very very long isn't it and the new pension age is 67/8. We can work until we drop now.

Taking a few years out or doing part time when DC are young and need us ,all usual caveats accepted won't impact someone's life that much. It's not giving up work good many people can drop their hours.

People can create a balance and give their own children a break from institutions and either keep their hand in or take time out for the critical years.

What are your plans for childcare before and after school (and holidays) come September? Could you bring those plans forward? Have you looked for childminders in your area, which might suit your younger DC in particular? I think I might look to reduce my hours in your situation. Alternatively, as your DH earns so well, could the family still live comfortably if he reduced his hours slightly?

I was a single parent so didn’t have a choice but to work FT and use childcare but I remember them constantly getting poorly when they first started primary school and that was really difficult.

How easy is it for you/DH to leave and pick them up from school?

It may be that it works out less stressful for you to go PT for a couple of years and then go back FT.

What job does your DH do?

I'm always surprised at the lack of putting the children first in these comments ?

On other such threads onus is that no one wants to put their babies and small DC into instructions from the crack of dawn till late at night for most or all of the week ?

Surely childcare is always a last resort?

Op is in the ultimate position with a classic needed job she can return to in a few years to full time after taking time out to raise her own DC ?

It's very sad that we have followed the American model to children where it's commonplace to put them into crèche from three months etc.

All usual exceptions caveated surely a parent should factor in looking after their own child for most of the time when they have children and esp if there is lots of money floating around and....they want too !

I am so shocked by the voting on this from the tradwives. You are lucky to love your job and wise to retain your career/salary- nobody every expects their marriage to fail. It will also be nice to have it when your kids need you less in 10 years.

I agree it would be great if you can manage with your husband going down to 4 days. But if you can go down to 3 that would be better than resigning. Remember your husband pays for (at least) half the childcare, so it's not just your salary that covers it!

Don’t quit. You won’t be happy, and the impact of that will also affect your children.

Look at getting a nanny.

I read your comments but not the rest and I really think the obvious solution here is to cut down your hours and outsource more as you can clearly afford it easily. There must be various middle ground options.

So many options to consider before quitting your career.
some obvious options seem to be a combination of:
reduce your days.
childminder instead of nursery? Could also take the eldest before and after school.
Forest nursery for the younger. Either now or when the elder goes to school.

I would go part time. Ages 4 and 5 and the whole transition to school can be very challenging for a child. My DD certainly struggled with emotional regulation after a day at school and she was home every day at 3.30 so not a huge long day even. It was hard keeping her on an even keel. She needed me to help her regulate. She’s in year 2 now and much more settled, resilient, mature etc and loves after school club two days a week now. I think consider dropping hours just for a couple of years. It’s not forever but that settled start I think is time you won’t get back.

Ridiculous suggestion ignoring the fact that he is funding their bills. Kids also benefit from the roof over their head etc! Financial security is a huge benefit for that family and the husband's job provides this.

What a dilemma. I am all for prioritising your kids above money , etc. but you seem to indicate that your role is a high level specialised role and seems to be almost a vocational calling for you . I would be loathe to give up a career like that . Unless you can reduce your days .
So look at it as nursery isn't really working for you . Consider other childcare options then . Daily childminder or nanny , live in nanny seem best . So no rush in morning to help your older child . Thus is immensely doable as you seem to have the financial resources to facilitate this . Doesnt matter if your wages don't cover it , it's about you keeping up your career .

FGS! Keep your job and maintain your dignity. Your DH can change his working hours if he wants everyone’s lives to improve.

I understand how hard this is, and the reality is that many parents, usually mums, of disabled children give up their work.

I was in your exact situation ten years ago (plus two older children.) DS required a specialist speech and language placement at a school half a hour from my 3 girls’ school with no before or after school provision. I loved my job, had always worked and it simply wasn’t an option for me to stop completely. I am incredibly glad I did not give up work, maintained and progressed in my career which I’ve done part-time ever since.

The things that worked for me was working 20 hours flexibly in school hours so I was about for them after school, did all school runs. Then I went freelance which meant oI could take school holidays off too (he couldn’t manage holiday clubs.) On top of that, we employed a housekeeper for two days a week so I wasn’t worrying about household chores as well. And DH, however busy and important his job got, was there as much as possible to pick up the slack. Not the teatimes or school runs, but every EHCP review, every meeting, every hospital test and treatment. And my parents were incredibly supportive too. Basically, a huge amount of effort and energy were thrown at the issue and I think we pulled it off.

It’s not selfish to want a life outside the home and, working together as a family, it’s not easy but perfectly doable. Good luck!

Of course the kids come first but its not as black and white as saying “working mum = bad, SAHM = good”. There’s so much more nuance to it than this.

Its really not. Children thrive best with a parent at home really. Its such a shame often they rarely have it these days

I actually don’t think this is true anymore. Quite apart from the fact that I barely know anyone where one parent has given up work completely (because no one can afford it) IME the happiest families with the kids doing well are the ones where the Dad is actively involved and plays an equal role in parenting. Especially for boys.

He'd pay you an income??
Do you not share finances, with such a discrepancy in earnings?

Indeed

People who say you are selfish are ignoring the fact that children grow up and have other needs that often need met through money!

eg speech therapy, dentistry, orthodontics, opthamology private medicine, private physiotherapy, private mental health support, tutoring, cultural enrichment etc

The state offers some of these things, yes, but there’s no denying that it falls down on many.

I really struggle not working.
I have to work for my MH.
Its simply not an option for me to not work.

However, if your kids are struggling then they do need to be put first.

I would firstly try a nanny - a caregiver that they can become close to and feel safe with.

If that doesn’t work then either you or DH need to reduce your hours and go PT for a while.

Could you look for an alternative nursery provider? Something like forest nursery, or even a childminder so there would be fewer other kids around?

I am in a similar position a bit further ahead - kids all at primary school and one at high school. Dh earns a lot and I have a clinical profession I don’t want to give up. I work two days a week. It works for us as a family. The days I work they have a long day of breakfast club, school, after school club then sports clubs but as it is only two days a week it is doable. The rest of the week I can walk them to school, pick them up, give them a good dinner etc.
I keep my hand in my profession and have a self of self beyond being a mother. Now they are out of nursery the costs aren’t as high so I do feel like I am contributing g a little bit to the pot. Lucky that although dh works long hours his job is more flexible than mine as he works for himself. I am glad that I have kept it up as I am starting to see that they need me a little bit less in the high school years and I would be bored if I had no work at all. As it is I am very busy with the kids, house, dog, gym on my days off. I don’t actually intend to increase my hours as they get older as I won’t be all that far off retirement when they stop needing me but you never know.

This is our situ too (not exactly, but similar) it’s really not as simple as saying ‘he should cut his hours’ . Their mortgage is probs dependent on his salary. You can’t just change your whole lifestyle quickly, but you can change her job quickly. It’s making a long term plan that is important.

No its not.

Sometimes the kids need to come first and we need to put our own wants on the back burner.

Its that fucking simple.

But giving up her job might mean that she won’t have the independence to leave the relationship or indeed to support the family if her DH is ill, has mental health issues or gets made redundant.

You only need to look at the relationships board on here to see how badly things can go wrong when a family is stuck in an abusive household because the non-abusive parent doesn’t have the money to leave. It’s absolutely not selfish in my view to ensure that my kids will always have a roof over their heads, never see their mother get abused or never end up in a shitty emergency b&b because l’ve given up my job.

If someone doesn't prioritise your DC with possible autism then both of you will be dealing with carnage in a year or two.

I still work part time with a 17yr old as things ended up in such a mess.