AIBU to keep working when the children may need me more?

No one puts their kids in childcare at three months nowadays.

I understand your dilemma, OP.

I’m a doctor (registrar) married to a doctor (consultant). So, my husband earns a lot more than me, though not nearly as much as your husband, and I suppose my earning potential is pretty similar to his in the long term. We have three children aged 6, 4 and 2. Eldest is in year one at school and younger two at nursery.

We have really struggled to get a balance that feels right between work and family life. Before the children were born, I presumed I’d press on in my career - it’s such a big part of who I am - and use whatever childcare needed to make this work. I was, probably naively, taken by surprise to find that I didn’t want to do this. If anything, it’s actually got harder as time has gone by as my eldest seems to need a parent around more now than she did as a toddler. She wouldn’t do well in full time wraparound care, though I know some children are totally fine.

My husband does as many school and nursery runs as possible and is a brilliant dad and partner, but it simply wouldn’t work financially for him to massively reduce hours. These threads always suggest it, and I understand the principle, but the whole family benefits from having one really good salary.

I have ended up having to go backwards and change my specialty as I couldn’t find a way to make my old job work in a way that suited everyone. I also find that working three days feels like enough time to maintain some semblance of a career, whilst being around as much as possible for my children. I still feel guilt about not being there more, though, and guilt about letting myself and feminism down by being the one to take a career hit.

In your position, given that you clearly love your job and it sounds like a possible specialist/CNS type role that would be hard to return to, I’d consider getting a nanny or nanny housekeeper in the first instance. This might help with the problems you describe with your youngest. I also wonder whether dropping a day or reducing the length of your working day would be possible? I’d try these options before quitting! Though, ultimately, if the children are really struggling I think I would end up stopping work and maybe doing a bit of bank alongside an additional qualification with a view to returning to a similar role in a few years.

The OP’s work clearly benefits people other than herself - she works in paediatric oncology!!!

If you can afford it get a nanny.

If you want to work and I get why - then look at cm esp if starting school as what /how will you do pick up at 3pm instead of the 6ish nursery finish

cm or nanny. Obv cm cheaper

The American model is there because people don’t have a social safety net and need to work to pay for healthcare, save for children college fees and old age etc. It’s going that way here too.

Giving up work entirely is the nuclear option.

It shouldn’t be the only option. I find your DHs attitude really offputting. Why the hell would he pay you an allowance? Surely your finances are shared and you each get the same amount of spending money? If this is not the case then definitely do not give up work. And focus on changing this first. He should also be looking at flexible options and pulling his weight more. If the sole reason for you to consider changing your work arrangements is to prioritise the kids, then this also needs to be his chief consideration. Not money. He should not be expecting things from you that he is not willing to do himself.

I think you should go part time, minimum 3 days and he needs to be the active parent on your work days by covering either pick up and drop off or working school hours.

The solution to a family problem is to change how the family functions, not to just change the life of one person

I haven’t read all the responses but I have seen your posts OP. The responses about your husband reducing hours are just unrealistic. Love a bit of feminism, but back in the real world…

OP, you are lucky not just cos your rich husband but also your career choice is easy to take a career break and then rejoin in a few years. I know jobs aren’t guaranteed (some areas of nursing are pretty full at the moment) but I think you are much better placed that many women taking a career break. A nursing career is very long and takes a lot out of you. I think it’s a total no brainer to step back a few years whilst your kids are nursery age and go back when they are at school

Would you be happy to be at home? Sometimes I feel selfish as I work. My husband has vetoed me staying at home as I get sad. Would your life be filled with joy or would you find it really tough if you were at home?

And what about dad then? Or does he get off?

The difference between having a nanny arriving at your home and heading to work from your own house vs getting the kids out and to nursery is huge. Also in the evenings you’d arrive and be ready to spend time with them at home rather than having to travel back with tired / hungry kids.

having a nanny for school age kids opens up play dates rather than just wrap around care or activity clubs.

id consider a nanny for 6m and see if it improves things. Maybe couple it with part time working if an option - even 1 day a week less could be a huge difference.

Other options: reduce hours so fewer shorter days, take a year’s sabbatical, buy back annual leave to get more time off with them, go freelance and just work a couple of days a week or mornings only?
in your shoes I would quit though and I have studied for years for my career, as they are only little once. I work part time and only because Noone else is supporting us! And I now regret not taking an extra year mat leave and living on universal credit until he was two (he’s three now) as he got zero benefit from nursery under age two and lots of horrible illnesses (and my nursery bills were so high before the funding came in even part time!)

Quit.
If it helps you feel better take the time to do an online course or degree in the evenings so that you’ll be ready and able to return when the time comes.

But if the high earner earns as much as the op says they could reduce their hours without it stopping the bills being paid.
As the op says he’d be happy for her not up work, why should she be the one to give up her career when the children have 2 parents.
Its not as if the higher earner is earning slightly more than the other parent, the op was clearly said he earns “a lot”

You feel passionate about ypur w9rk. Get more house help .

Find a better childcare solution. He earns lots of money. Pay a Nanny. Kids will not be in Nursery every day for long hours, will have time at home but still plenty of activities.

Dh earns a LOT
pay for more help nanny housekeeper etc
You need your independence too

Put your kids first. They aren’t coping and your money doesn’t make any difference to your household

If you look at that objectively, it fits the definition of selfish.

Going bank seems the best option by far. You're keeping your hand in and will be able to find a full time role and progress to specialist roles as and when the time is right. You're keeping career options open for if the worst was to happen whilst prioritising what your DC need right now. Early support for autistic children is so, so important. I'm guessing one will be starting school in September? That could be a really tough journey and time consuming, SEN meetings, potential shorter days, holiday club/after school club may not be viable. My DS is autistic, he's 5. He can't use holiday clubs in my area as he requires 1:1.

@Nurseposter123 keep your job. The kids will be fine.

Because what ‘putting children first’ actually looks like depends very much on whom you ask.

Being a SAHM mother and/or having a SAHM doesn’t suit everyone, and it doesn’t need to. Op’s career is important to her, and what she wants and needs matters too.

@Thepeopleversuswork I haven't shamed anyone. The OP started a thread asking for people's opinions. I gave her mine.

The OP is clear in that her work doesn't benefit anyone but herself. She recognises it has a negative effect on her young children and yet at no point has discussed any feelings of shame either...
So...

Childminder can be easier for some children than nursery as it’s a more home like environment.