AIBU to keep working when the children may need me more?

The fact that you’re thinking of an exit plan so firmly is concerning.

you’re a mother now, your kids need you. Sacrifices hand to me made. I bakery work. Can’t really shocked for me to work low end and part time, but we make it work. Why there only tiny once they need me.

Why outdated?

The OP concedes that her children aren’t thriving under the current circumstances. She also acknowledges that their family finances would be impacted if her husband were to work shorter hours.

It sounds like common sense to take some time out until her youngest goes to school. It doesn’t necessarily mean she gives up work completely, but if something has to give, it should probably be her hours, rather than her husband’s, for purely practical reasons.

Why did you have children? Genuine question

If I was in your spot OP, I would reduce my days at work or pause work for two years and reassess.

As it sounds affordable, I would also hire a nanny part-time to mainly help in the morning.

Kids first.

You get ten years of them being little.

Always kids first.

Please don't give up working. Just from reading your posts its obvious to me that your job is very important to you and how you feel about yourself and you have my full respect for that. Loving a job that gives you fulfilment does not mean you think less of your children or that you love them less than a parent who stays home. Go part time, look at various child care options but most important do what is right for you because a parent who is at home silently regretting that decision and slowly becoming resentful while their mental health and self esteem suffers is not good for any child. I'm in my 50's and my mother always worked, she was a wonderful mother who adored her children but knew she needed to work, thankfully my father knew her well enough to realise it was best for the family if she continued to do so and after my youngest sibling was born in the late 70's she returned to work after 4 months and my father took a year off to be a stay at home parent which was very unusual. My parents paid childcare over the years to a grandaunt, an aunt and a cousin who all lived within a few minutes drive so it meant extra money into those households too but most importantly it meant my mother was happy when with us and not wishing she was elsewhere, she had the self awareness to know this was important for her and we discussed it when I had my dc and decided to return to work which thankfully by then was not frowned upon as it once was.

Don’t make a decision that you know will make you unhappy based on what other people think you ‘should’ do, or what they think ‘should’ make you happy. Selfishness isn’t some inherently negative trait, and doing what works for you as an individual absolutely should factor into any considerations here. You aren’t ’just’ a mother, you’re a human being in your own right, with your own needs and wants.

Work is an important part of your identity, and it isn’t something you should feel forced to give up. Having an unhappy SAHM who doesn’t want to be a SAHM will also impact your children. It will impact your whole family.

FWIW my parents both worked full time, and this benefited my brother and I not just in our childhoods, but into our adulthoods too. I don’t believe that having a SAHP is better.

@Nurseposter123i wouldn’t quit, but if i was in your situation i would reduce my core hours, and then pick up additional bank sessions on your own terms giving you more flexibility. I’m not a nurse but I work in a related field and I work 3 days a week and also pick up some bank sessions during term time when I want to and when it fits in around other things I’m doing like projects on the house. I also make use of my parental leave and usually take up to 6 weeks off unpaid in the summer holidays. It works really well for me and I feel like I’ve got a good balance

Part time - ive always worked 3 days a week (2 young children) and I feel it'd the sweet spot.

Is there some all or nothing thinking going on OP? I’m a bit confused as to why the options are to give up your career entirely or to do 4 long days. Why not either reduce your days in your current role, or find a role you would enjoy with fewer hours, to allow you a better work/life balance (if that’s what you want). I wouldn’t quit my job for all the reasons you have mentioned, but I know plenty of people in healthcare professions working fewer than 4 days per week, so it seems short sighted to just pack it in rather than finding a middle ground.

if your husband’s minted he can keep paying the nursery until you’re sure about the nanny.

(i quit my career for my kids’ benefit. I am content with that, they’re all but grown up now and it was worth it, but it’s been hard on me.)

Nanny care offers a much higher quality degree of childcare than a nursery. Until you know what the precise issue is with OP’s children and the current nursery care, you have no way of knowing if this is ‘wants to be with a parent’ issue.

What we DO know is that OP loves her job and wants to keep working. Eyeroll at facilitators to do that all you want, I guess …

I don’t think it’s selfish of you to keep working. I gave up my job in a similar scenario, and whilst it was good for the kids, it has been tough on me.

I DO think it’s selfish of you to reject the nanny idea “because it feels like a replacement me”. First, kids know very well the difference between their mum and their nanny (unless they’ve had nanny care 24/7 since a newborn). Second, if your kids love the nanny that is a GOOD thing, that’s exactly what you want for them! Means they have mum when home, and a lovely mum replacement for X hours a day.

It feels like you are rejecting a nanny because they might like her too much- so you’d rather they stayed in nursery which they don’t love 🤔

There's always a first! Just because it's "unheard of", it doesn't mean it's impossible. Very few men in my organisation went part time 20 years ago when my kids were born, my husband did! Now it's so much more common.

Yes, @Nurseposter123 in whatever way works for you. If being a SAHM wouldn’t be something you are comfortable with then you won’t be doing your children any favours. I know for me, it wasn’t something that I’d be good at, so I kept working, but reduced my hours and found a childcare setting that really worked. For me it was an excellent nursery, for you it might be a childminder or a nanny. Don’t be guilted in to doing something that doesn’t work for you, as it also won’t work for your kids.

I did sacrifice my career for a number of years. DH's career was not part-time compatible; he had actually worked 4 days per week early in our relationship for study purposes and stopped after a year as the reality was 95% workload on 80% pay. I had also worked "part time" which also felt like a full time job which meant that my hourly rate of pay wasn't so great in reality.
We were both working long hours and (then undiagnosed) DS was struggling. We were all feeling pretty burned out.

I kept my life busy with volunteering and hobbies and walked straight into the first job I applied for which was related to the voluteering I did. Financially and emotionally all went well too. The biggest long term cost is private pension. We have saved and the long term prognosis is still good. There is the offset of not having to spend on outsourcing childcare and home maintainence to survive.

The big question is can careers be maintained with part-time options to reduce the pressure/ sacrifice.

I had a parent work themself to death before retirement age when I was a child. Ultimately employees are replacable, but family isn't, and that has affected my attitude to work/ life balance. I'm not afraid to work hard, but leaving capacity to play hard (for myself and DCs) is also important to me.

Throw money at it but dont leave your job

OP I love my job, I’ve always said I wouldn’t give it up if I won the lottery so I guess the same would be said if I had a rich husband. Of course I love my children (far more than my job!) and I do feel massively guilty for not spending more time with them, even though I have to work.

Every day at the moment my youngest says he doesn’t want to go to nursery as he wants to stay at home and play with mummy, and it makes me feel terrible.

BUT I know I would be a terrible SAHM. I’d genuinely hate it and I take my hat off to anyone who can manage it. I do worry I will look back and regret not spending more time with my children when they are little but equally I genuinely feel like I am a better mum for having the work part of me as well as the mum part of me.

I think I would feel differently if I was in a job that I didn’t enjoy but there is nothing wrong in making sure that your mental health is looked after to and if work helps you do that then it’s no bad thing. I think it’s hard to explain to people who don’t love their jobs/ have a deep passion for what they do.

As a compromise - and only if you wanted to - could you reduce to three days a week? Or could DH reduce hours / work from home one day so that he is around for wrap around?

If you can’t face a nanny (and personally I think you should try it at least even part time) then what about finding a different nursery? I know quite a few families where the first nursery just didn’t “click” but then they found a better one and things were fine. Maybe somewhere smaller, maybe a forest school, maybe even somewhere attached to a school which has a pre-school. Or does your hospital have childcare where you could drop him later and go in if that would help. Look at the options around you and basically hang the expense. Mine went to a proper forest school with 15 kids max where every day they were outside all afternoon in all but the most extreme weather (they did have a cabin and hot chocolate). You could take a nanny for 6 months and look for a better nursery/ get on the waiting lists during that time?

Because only women are parents? This attitude explains why there are so many dead beat dads out there. It's all on the ' women' isn't it 🙄

Talk to your employer about a part time or job share arrangement. Surely they would rather have you some of the time than not at all? You have specialist skills that would be hard to replace.

I think part time is the best for both worlds. You get to keep your job, keep up with your professional development requirements and can easily increase your hours or go full time in the future. Your children get more time with you but also get socialization through nursery.

I was a SAHM for 4.5 years then part time at 0.6 FTE for about 7 years. I had no problems when searching for a full time job. I didn't even disclose that I had been working part time. I was working and got good experience in those years, that's all that mattered.

My DH too was/is a high earner but I was not cut out to be a SAHM mum forever. Make sure you get a cleaner to take some of the load off you at home, given your DH's work hours and travel.

Well of course you would. Any decent parent would. What's the most important thing OP could focus on? Raising her children of course. It's not rocket science, and yet raising one's children is seen as beneath a lot of mumsnetters. I honestly don't know why many women have children when they're such an inconvenience and a barrier to self fulfillment.