AIBU to keep working when the children may need me more?

All these people saying go part time, it is worth exploring as an option but many specialist nurse roles are funded for f/time and the push back can/will be who will do your role on your days off as the hours would have to be covered by someone else and you may not be able to fil a position one or two days.

Different in a large unit/ward like A&E or ICU where there are multiple vacancies and shift patterns.

Get a nanny?

nothing wrong with quitting if your kids need you if YOU feel that won’t drag you into depression or similar. You could go part time as pp have suggested.

whatever you do ensure he’s paying into a pension for you. Consult a solicitor maybe there is something legal you can get drawn up so that in the case of divorce you would be entitled to spousal maintenance due to care responsibilities- that’s if he’s on board with you quitting/reducing hours.

Part time is the perfect solution here.

No, it isn't perfect for most jobs, but with a few adjustments, it is possible.

I would recommend 2 days per week for the next few years. Enough to keep you feeling like a nurse still. You would likely enjoy those working days as 'days off' from being a housewife. Enough to keep your qualifications and progress again later in your DC's life. Enough to make your DC feel settled and at home much more.

I put my kids first by working, so I can afford to give them a good life.

They have both needed private surgery recently as the NHS has been awful. Working meant I was able to afford this for them and give them a better life in that way.

I read this in Melinda Gates' autobiography and thought it was interesting.

i have 2 young kids op and i work 80%.

Absolutely no way in hell would i give up my job. Especially in this current climate. Financial security is important, as is saving for the future.

Why does this never seem to be applied to the dad's?

It’s funny because as someone who’s had marriage problems my gut always say Jesus don’t ever lose your income while in real life I see so little of my kids when other payee off on holidays etc I pray for a lottery win so I can quit!!!! But you love your job and independence so I’d agree to try and cut a few hours

One could argue it's pretty selfish to give up a job that's of such benefit to society and other families without giving it due thought.

We wouldn't have enough doctors and nurses, teachers, or many other professionals if all parents thought like that.

A job like nursing where you need to do enough of it to stay registered and competent and confident is very different to something where you could give it up and no-one outside your immediate colleagues/customers would really notice.

Get something part-time. And maybe get a cleaner. I dont think I would give up work altogether. Too isolating amd boring.

Ultimately it is a choice between being the best nurse possible but knowing your kids aren’t thriving (your own words) vs being a less good nurse but knowing your kids are happier.

I wish there wasn’t this choice to make. It frustrates the hell out of me that most men never have to make this choice - they can give 100% to work knowing their kids are with a loving parent who has compromised her career around the kids.

The only way out of this choice really is to have the high paid career yourself and have kids with someone who is happy to take the primary parent role. Or someone who earns equally and is (genuinely) willing to share the domestic role 50/50.

One thought. Your kids are at a transition point - your eldest is soon to start school and your younger one presumably isn’t too far behind. You may find things look quite different once they are a bit older in school (at least once past the first term or two which can be tough). Could you reduce hours now with a view to picking back up in 2/3 years? That way it doesn’t seem like such a huge forever choice.

How many parents can afford to stay at home nowadays? Also why shouldn't OP be more than a mother? Give up with this guilt tripping clap trap.

Nooo! dont give up work. A sane mum is as important as a present mum.

I stayed at home (i would've found it hard to leave my pfb)
But I also found being a sahm really demoralising and devastating for my self esteem ultimately. My children probably did benefit but I'm not sure i did. Luckily when my youngest was 6 I went back to part time work and thrived and the youngest was much more independent than the ones for whom I was present all the time.

I dont believe any situation is perfect for all parties and my dh worked 7 days so I didn't feel I had a choice. I would encourage anyone who asked my opinion to keep working in some way, even if you end up, like you are temporarily, paying for the privilege.

Your poor kids. They didn’t ask to be born. They just want to be with their parents when they are small. I would give up work until they are both full time in school - it will go so quickly.

i don’t know why you had them if neither of you are really present for most of their days.

Sorry, but I think it is selfish.

Looking at the longer term - what is your plan when they start school? Will you be relying on wraparound care and holiday clubs? I think it can be harder in some ways once they are in school as the transitions increase. At least at nursery they are in one place with one set of carers each day.

For children in full time daycare I would just say make sure you are giving them breaks. They get tired just as we do in work and children do in school. It is busy and very structured and children have little autonomy on how they spend their day which they may find harder as they get older.

It is hard to find a solution that suits you all but I’d be tempted to try to get earlier finishes so when they do go to school you will be able to pick them up and do the evening routine with them.

If you don’t want to drop your hours and money isn’t an issue, what about trying a nanny ? More consistent and when your children start school they will just be able to come home and relax.

Is it possible to reduce to 2 or 3 days a week for a couple of years? Then the children will still be at home for the majority of their time and only having long nursery days 2-3 times?
And you will be keeping your oar in for your career- which sounds very meaningful and important work, so I understand why you don’t want to just quit! (also as a divorced person completely agree about security)

Otherwise, a nanny does seem like the obvious solution.

Can you not go part time for a few years? Keep your hand in but if you went for a job share, you could have the children in nursery 2 days per week and have the rest of the time with them. Hard sell to your boss but they’d probably prefer it to losing you, babies get more Mummy time. And when you need / want to scale up your hours, the job is still there for you

It’s not beneath mumsnetters at all. It puts so many women in a poor situation, it changes the dynamics of the relationship in a way that often puts it at risk, leaving the non-earning party in a difficult situation.

Having children isn’t always about sacrificing yourself and your life for them. It can be, and sometimes that can work out, but in too many cases it doesn’t, not for the mother anyway.

This is a horrible idea.

If OP worked weekends it sounds like she wouldn't see her partner at all, or spend any time as a family. Sacrificing that time together for no financial benefit simply to prove a point is a pretty quick way to sabotage a relationship. I know people who make this work but it's out of absolute necessity and not what they would choose if they had other options.

OP, get a nanny. I wouldn't want to give up my job either but if your young children are unhappy and you can do something about it why on earth wouldn't you?

I wouldn’t quit. You’re a person too.
Get a nanny, work so you’re in a good position (band 6) to go part time later. Or better still, get your husband to do all drop offs and you do earlies.
DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR CAREER. Men cheat.

I think in this situation a nanny and cleaner would be good. If you could come home at 5/5.30 tk find a cleaner house and your children settled at home / fed / watered etc you could devote your evenings to quality time wih them. They would get personalised childcare / 1:1 time which would be better than a nursery setting

I would cut down my hours, even one less shift would make all the difference.