Page 9 | AIBU to feel hurt when my husband accepts invitations excluding me?

Heartford · 2026-04-14T16:44:14+00:00

My DH’s best friend B (50s, professionally successful) ended his marriage by having a long affair with his wife’s close friend. He caused a lot of hurt to his wife and children to whom we remain close. My DH has stayed friends with B throughout and continued to see him alone/in other male company. I have not really seen him and he knows that I disapprove of how he ended his marriage. The affair has now ended and B is leading a single life in London. He now invites my DH to parties and dinners without me (even when everyone else’s partner is invited). The next one is 3 couples plus DH and a single woman. I don’t like that – I think it disrespects our marriage, it leaves me at home doing domestics while DH is out having fun (this already happens quite a lot as I have a demanding job and do the lion share of household/kids for various reasons) and echoes how B treated his own wife. DH can’t see the problem. He says I wouldn’t want to go myself – which is true (as I feel uncomfortable around B due to all the lies/deceit that went with his affair). DH would also (reluctantly) cancel if I make him (and would tell B that is why). But for himself, he thinks it is fine for me not to be asked and for him to accept and go alone. AIBU in being hurt by DH’s view?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/04/2026 09:36

EsmeSusanOgg · 15/04/2026 09:35

I mean... He is a scum bag.

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In her opinion. Things are never so simple but people on here never understand that.

EsmeSusanOgg · 15/04/2026 09:35

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/04/2026 09:30

Given how the OP speaks about B, why would he want to speak to her? She’s made it clear that she thinks he is a scum bag.

It doesn’t matter if he lays on a whole bloody room of single women, if the husband doesn’t want to cheat, he won’t. And if h does, he will do it anyway

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I mean... He is a scum bag.

EsmeSusanOgg · 15/04/2026 09:34

Heartford · 14/04/2026 22:34

Yes

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Absolutely unacceptable. Very disrespectful of B. But we know he doesn't care about cheating. Shocking your 'D' H thinks this is ok.

Snoken · 15/04/2026 09:33

nomas · 15/04/2026 09:28

We don't know he is single, OP says he is living the single life.

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I said that OPs husband is not even single. That we do know.

EsmeSusanOgg · 15/04/2026 09:32

Happytaytos · 14/04/2026 18:16

You don't like the guy so what's your beef? You wouldn't go anyway and cutting off your H from his friends is controlling.

Because the friend is trying to set up her DH with random single women? At least, that is how it comes across.

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 15/04/2026 09:31

I have a demanding job and do the lion share of household/kids for various reasons

What are these reasons?

nomas · 15/04/2026 09:30

Ariana12 · 15/04/2026 09:23

There's something very off here. My guess is that B is at best entirely disrespectful of your marriage and at worst happy to drive a littje wedge. After all you don't approve of what he did and you remain friends with his ex. it's up to your husband if he wants to stay friends with this guy. It's absolutely not OK for him to be the " other" single person for the unattached single woman in these formal, couplesey dinner parties. And TBH it's concerning he doesn't seemto see that. It's also concerning you're doing the heavy lifting in this marriage and maybe you should think about that? He is not single and the implication is obviously that he is potentially available. He should really see that for himself. There's no reason why the chap cant have a dinner party for 7, or invite a genuinely single person. I really think your DH needs to take a long look - at himself.

Excellent post.

And if her OP's DH does cheat (big if), the same posters will be berating her for so readily accepting that he got invited to events without his wife by a cheat friend.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/04/2026 09:30

Ariana12 · 15/04/2026 09:23

There's something very off here. My guess is that B is at best entirely disrespectful of your marriage and at worst happy to drive a littje wedge. After all you don't approve of what he did and you remain friends with his ex. it's up to your husband if he wants to stay friends with this guy. It's absolutely not OK for him to be the " other" single person for the unattached single woman in these formal, couplesey dinner parties. And TBH it's concerning he doesn't seemto see that. It's also concerning you're doing the heavy lifting in this marriage and maybe you should think about that? He is not single and the implication is obviously that he is potentially available. He should really see that for himself. There's no reason why the chap cant have a dinner party for 7, or invite a genuinely single person. I really think your DH needs to take a long look - at himself.

Given how the OP speaks about B, why would he want to speak to her? She’s made it clear that she thinks he is a scum bag.

It doesn’t matter if he lays on a whole bloody room of single women, if the husband doesn’t want to cheat, he won’t. And if h does, he will do it anyway

Jemimapony · 15/04/2026 09:29

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nomas · 15/04/2026 09:28

Snoken · 15/04/2026 09:06

He's not being paired with another woman. He is going to a group dinner and so is she. OPs husband isn't even single. If I go to a friends dinner and there is a single man there, I don't automatically think that I am expected to hook up with him. I meet single and non-single men all the time, I sleep with precisely none of them.

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We don't know he is single, OP says he is living the single life.

nomas · 15/04/2026 09:27

99bottlesofkombucha · 15/04/2026 09:20

It would have to be here as one of the things I’d say to my dh is I don’t provide free labour for my husband to be set up with other women. So this dinner party, he needs a babysitter, as it’s not me.

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I like your thinking.

OP seems to be default childcare.

gannett · 15/04/2026 09:26

BoredZelda · 15/04/2026 09:16

I do wonder why people are so entrenched in their need to make a point about single women, they think context is irrelevant.

”The host” isn’t some vague unknown in this scenario. He is a man who has proven himself to be generally disrespectful of women and relationships.

If Andrew Garfield was hosting a party of 6 couples and two mixed sex singles, I’d think the woman was being invited for her intellect and personality.
If Andrew Tate was hosting the party, I’d assume the same woman was invited for other reasons.

The word “invited” is key. That goes to the motive of the host, not of the woman or any other guest. Suggesting this is why the host invited her has nothing at all to do with who she is or what she intends. It doesn’t matter what her motives are, nor what the outcome is. What matters is what the host, and OP’s husband think. If they both think it is a set up, that’s not ok. If OP’s husband thinks this, he should not accept the invite. The woman might get there, feel it is a set up and leave. She might stay and have a great time, ignoring the sub-text of the invite. That doesn’t negate the host and/or OP’s husband’s intentions.

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He actually is a vague unknown, certainly to everyone on this thread except the OP. All we know is that he had an affair; it doesn't follow that behaving badly in his own marriage means his dinner party guestlists are designed to induce infidelity in other people's marriages. But we don't actually know his interests, career, personality, social history with this woman or any of the other factors that more usually affect a dinner party invitation. Absent any of that information, it's ludicrous to leap to the assumption that he's only invited her to pair her off with a married man.

Ariana12 · 15/04/2026 09:23

There's something very off here. My guess is that B is at best entirely disrespectful of your marriage and at worst happy to drive a littje wedge. After all you don't approve of what he did and you remain friends with his ex. it's up to your husband if he wants to stay friends with this guy. It's absolutely not OK for him to be the " other" single person for the unattached single woman in these formal, couplesey dinner parties. And TBH it's concerning he doesn't seemto see that. It's also concerning you're doing the heavy lifting in this marriage and maybe you should think about that? He is not single and the implication is obviously that he is potentially available. He should really see that for himself. There's no reason why the chap cant have a dinner party for 7, or invite a genuinely single person. I really think your DH needs to take a long look - at himself.

99bottlesofkombucha · 15/04/2026 09:20

nomas · 15/04/2026 09:06

A babysitter isn’t always the answer.

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It would have to be here as one of the things I’d say to my dh is I don’t provide free labour for my husband to be set up with other women. So this dinner party, he needs a babysitter, as it’s not me.

BoredZelda · 15/04/2026 09:16

gannett · 15/04/2026 08:42

It has every bearing on the woman invited.

Essentially you think it more likely that the host is attempting some sort of budget Iago machination than that he has invited a female friend, who happens to be single, because she's smart and funny company.

And surely it doesn't need saying that even if someone is trying to set two people up, they don't actually have to follow through and hook up?

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I do wonder why people are so entrenched in their need to make a point about single women, they think context is irrelevant.

”The host” isn’t some vague unknown in this scenario. He is a man who has proven himself to be generally disrespectful of women and relationships.

If Andrew Garfield was hosting a party of 6 couples and two mixed sex singles, I’d think the woman was being invited for her intellect and personality.
If Andrew Tate was hosting the party, I’d assume the same woman was invited for other reasons.

The word “invited” is key. That goes to the motive of the host, not of the woman or any other guest. Suggesting this is why the host invited her has nothing at all to do with who she is or what she intends. It doesn’t matter what her motives are, nor what the outcome is. What matters is what the host, and OP’s husband think. If they both think it is a set up, that’s not ok. If OP’s husband thinks this, he should not accept the invite. The woman might get there, feel it is a set up and leave. She might stay and have a great time, ignoring the sub-text of the invite. That doesn’t negate the host and/or OP’s husband’s intentions.

Chilly80 · 15/04/2026 09:11

Seeing his friend alone or with other men - fine

Seeing his friend at a couples event without you - not fine

99bottlesofkombucha · 15/04/2026 09:11

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Except in her op you mean? Where she says she does the lions share of housework and kids? Or do you mean the cheaters kids? She mentions them in her second post.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/04/2026 09:10

NarnianQueen · 15/04/2026 08:54

It’s really weird that your dh (and many people on this thread) don’t see how utterly fucked yup it is that your dh is being paired up with another woman!

i would get yourself invited and go - even if it’s not your idea of a good time. Your dh’s mate seems to want a partner in crime and wishes your dh was single like him!

But she doesn’t approve of the bloke. If she feels like she needs to supervise him, then what’s the point!

liveforsummer · 15/04/2026 09:08

I don’t think the issue is op not being invited here, it’s the fact that he’s got himself a date and seemly one for op’s DH too. Having a date doesn’t make you not single for those nitpicking about that! Of course this is not ok

99bottlesofkombucha · 15/04/2026 09:07

HelenaWilson · 14/04/2026 22:17

Don't you know Single Women are all predators out to steal husbands (and only husbands) no matter whether they work with them, share a hobby with them or are part of a friend group that includes them.....

Well, yes, reading threads on Mumsnet it seems that many women see Single Women only as objects to be shagged. See the post on this thread at 21.55. Single Women should all just stay at home in case venturing out into the workplace or somewhere requires them to interact with someone's husband.
Signed, A Single Woman who has never had the least interest in behaving inappropriately with someone else's husband. Unless having an occasional coffee counts.

I don’t think that’s the point. I’ve had dinner parties with a mix of singles and couples and ended up with quite uneven numbers of men and women, which is totally fine since it’s not the 1920s, no one was paired up! The lack of invite for the op combined with the perfect numbers matching up sounds like B thinks he can set them up, it doesn’t tell us anything about the woman but dh attending with the host having paired him up with another woman is a no go to me. Nothing to do with the woman, everything to do with the message from b and your dh accepting that.

I would also seriously ask my husband doesn’t he like him less knowing he’s a terrible dad? Could he imagine leaving his dc like that? Doesn’t he judge men who do? Because I do, and if my dh didn’t I’d say to him that does concern me you might be one of those men who can switch off from your own children.

Jemimapony · 15/04/2026 09:07

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Snoken · 15/04/2026 09:06

NarnianQueen · 15/04/2026 08:54

It’s really weird that your dh (and many people on this thread) don’t see how utterly fucked yup it is that your dh is being paired up with another woman!

i would get yourself invited and go - even if it’s not your idea of a good time. Your dh’s mate seems to want a partner in crime and wishes your dh was single like him!

He's not being paired with another woman. He is going to a group dinner and so is she. OPs husband isn't even single. If I go to a friends dinner and there is a single man there, I don't automatically think that I am expected to hook up with him. I meet single and non-single men all the time, I sleep with precisely none of them.

nomas · 15/04/2026 09:06

LughLongArm · 15/04/2026 08:57

Or they can both go out separately and get a babysitter.

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A babysitter isn’t always the answer.

gannett · 15/04/2026 09:00

NarnianQueen · 15/04/2026 08:54

It’s really weird that your dh (and many people on this thread) don’t see how utterly fucked yup it is that your dh is being paired up with another woman!

i would get yourself invited and go - even if it’s not your idea of a good time. Your dh’s mate seems to want a partner in crime and wishes your dh was single like him!

The fucked up thing is assuming two people are being invited to a dinner party purely to be paired up with each other. Rather than because the host simply enjoys their company.

nomas · 15/04/2026 08:59

Firesidechatter · 15/04/2026 08:56

Yeah you’re right, she did, she also though said he was single in her op.

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It’s not clear, OP says he’s single and also doesn’t say if he has a date for the party.