AIBU to feel hurt when my husband accepts invitations excluding me?

According to many posters on this thread they should be! What happened to make you all so suspicious of single people?? This is not a couples event, there are three couples and three people going without partners (not sure why so many posters are ignoring the third solo person, the host). We don't even know if this woman is actually single or also has a partner at home who isn't going. This gatekeeping of 'couples' events is odd, why should non "paired" people be excluded from seeing their friends because for some reason their existence makes you feel uncomfortable?

No she didn’t, she confirmed B was part of one of the couples.

B knows exactly what he’s doing here, OP…

🙄

He's not being paired. They're just two guests who are attending without partners.

Jeeze. Someone above likened this thread to village gossips, and they couldn't be more right. It's like the middle school kids I taught when I was on my early twenties. A male colleague my age gave been a lift one day. A couple of pupils saw us as we drove past them, and next thing we knew, we were a couple, as far as nearly all the kids in the year group were concerned.

With absolutely nothing to go on other than that the host had an affair, the majority have assumed not just pairing, but a deliberate attempt to set the DH up.

I know several people who've had affairs. It didn't make any of them into affair matchmakers.

I've noticed that people haven't real the op correctly. She said it was 3 x couples, plus the cheating friend, plus another woman plus her DH. So actually DH is essentially the gooseberry here, the friend would be much more suited to the 'pairing up' with the single woman, as he himself is living a single life. So many pps have totallly jumped the gun!

I assume they'll be seated next to each other.

Why do you assume that?

The problem is (rereading the OP!) this is your DH’s best friend! So if you take the moral high ground then of course there will be a fall out/consequences. He’s not going to ditch his best friend and I guess this is someone who he will want to see often. You’ve cut off a huge part of your social life with DH and this is something I would have considered before passing judgment .

It’s always worth just keeping out of other people’s business.

Only if he is incapable of saying no.

Wow, he's setting your DH up with a single woman and your DH thinks that's ok. I'd suggest, he's trying to meddle in your marriage. Maybe wants your DH to be single like him.
Your DH is being very naive.

You don’t want to go, justifiably.

But you don’t need to stay home doing domestics.

Does DH do domestics when you’re out without him.

The fact you do the lions share of the house and children work, is a separate and more important issue.

Things do need addressing, but priority is the level or work done by each of you, which has nothing to do with how B treated his ex. It’s entirely on you and your DH.

Your husband is disgusting and should be ashamed of himself. He's not what I'd call a 'man'. You should show him this thread. How he reacts will show his true colours.

I am sorry but this isn't right. It is as if your husband's friend is encouraging him to cheat too. Nothing wrong with them having a 'boys' night out but this sounds like he is trying to set your husband up.

I’m imagining this with my DH and his best friend.

Firstly, there would be no affair because neither man is a dick. But, if there were I would expect DH to still meet up with his friend but (1) my DH would probably loosen the tie a bit if he saw his friend treat his wife and kids so badly (2) DH would probably still meet up with friend but less frequently and mostly on a one to one basis, for drinks or dinner (3) friend would t have the balls to ask DH out to couples things without me (4) DH wouldn’t dream of accepting - that’s just one of the consequences of cheating on your wife with her best friend and leaving her and your kids, you lose respect and friends along the way (5) if my DH accepted an invitation to dinner with 3 couples and another single woman I would straight up ask him if he’s having an affair, if he wants a life like his friend’s, to let me know asap so I can sort myself out, point out the door and suggest he doesn’t let it hit him on his way out.

Your DH is bang out of order. It’s pathetic, from a grown man.

Honestly, I get a bit tired of people on Mn behaving as if affairs were some horrifying niche crime, like necrophilia, when they're extremely common. Stats suggest something like 40% of people have had at least one.

Yes, absolutely they cause immense hurt, and I'm not diminishing the pain felt by the woman the OP's DH's friend left for one moment, but I don't think it's helpful for anyone to demonise infidelity, or treat like anything other than something that happens in ordinary relationships with relative frequency, and is engaged in by perfectly ordinary people, not a certain 'type' of demonically evil person.

It's a huge leap from 'the OP's DH's friend had an affair and left his marriage' to 'the OP's DH's friend is intent on trying to encourage him to have an affair, too, by dangling single women in front of him at dinner parties'

In this version of events, they seem to imagine the woman as some kind of predatory seductress brought in from central casting, rather than a perfectly ordinary woman having dinner at her friend's house and hoping he doesn't make his famous chilli again because it was rank last time.

Yes this 100%

Exactly this. It’s not that complicated. You took sides and your DH didn’t.

It’s because you disapproved of his affair and took his ex wife’s side whereas your DH is more open to maintaining the friendship. Simple as that.

You never really know what is going on in a marriage. I wouldn’t ditch a friend because she had an affair. I’m friends with her, not married to her.

I think the moral judgement on Mumsnet is strong. You can choose not to be friends with him. But as you have see it now has an impact on being able to socialise with one of your DH’s friends.

I think he should have invited you to be honest. Then you can choose to decline if you still don’t want to see him. But your DH is free to go and you must trust him otherwise you wouldn’t be married? . Also think the single woman is for the friend?

So you are going to need to accept this situation is a consequence of your judgement. Which is fair enough. It’s fine to take a moral stance but it will have an impact on your social life.

OP has three options.

1 Decide it’s a dealbreaker for him to attend, and leave the relationship:

2 Decide that he’s an adult who isn’t to be controlled and that if she’s secure in her marriage then it shouldn’t be an issue

3 Kick off/ban him from going so he feels resentful that he’s being treated like that.

How successful do you think option 3 would be?

If your best friend had an affair that ended her marriage, would you stop meeting up with her, cut her off completely?

Even if you would do that, your husband decided he wouldn’t. I think you have to accept his decision and trust that, no matter how many single women are at events he goes to, he is not a cheat.

Having made the guy aware that you dislike him, you can’t be surprised he doesn’t invite you. He might even be trying to get back at you or rid of you by attempting to put temptation in your husband’s way. But it really comes down to whether you trust him or not. If you don’t, you must realise he could cheat any time not just when he is with his friend.

She said the host was part of one of the 3 couples though. If he isn't, then yes it isn't the same.

Agree with this, this is why you need to be careful when reacting to changes in other people's relationships, however much you may disapprove. Especially when the person is likely to remain close to your partner - you see it sooooo often on here with BILs. Wife takes the ex's side, forgetting BIL is the one who will actually remain as part of the family and then it's awkward when it comes to introducing his new partner etc. Best to just keep out of it.

You have made your feelings about him clear so why would he invite you to anything going forward?

I do agree I'd turn this invitation down though if I were your husband, given it's mainly couples. But I think you need to accept this man won't invite you to anything again.

Was that to me?

Why do you think the man dislikes the OP? Could it be because she has made her judgement of him clear? 🤔

Affairs aren’t clear cut. In any case it’s between him and his ex wife.

OP is of course entitled not to like him but she doesn’t get to dictate what her husband does, just what she does.

Replying to @LughLongArm

So sat together. Hardly ‘paired up’. Anything other than sitting together is his responsibility.