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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say we cant take his child full time?

767 replies

DuvetInTheDaytime · 14/04/2026 17:23

Hi all long time lurker first time posting so please be gentle

AIBU here or am I being selfish

DP has a DS from previous and lately hes been saying he wants to come live with us full time instead of just weekends and odd days. I do feel for him I’m not heartless but I just dont see how it would actually work in reality

We already have a full house and its not like we have loads of spare room just sitting there (we dont). At the moment when he stays its ok-ish as its only couple nights but even then its a squeeze and everyone gets a bit on top of each other

DP keeps saying “we’ll make it work” but not actually saying HOW we would make it work if that makes sense

Theres also behaviour stuff if I’m being honest (not awful but not easy either) and my own kids are already arguing alot lately and I just feel like adding more into that isnt going to help anyone

I said maybe its better he stays how things are for now and DP got funny with me saying im being unfair and its his son so of course he should be able to live with him if he wants

I havent said no outright just that I dont think its realistic right now but now I feel like the bad one

I do feel guilty as its not his fault but at the same time I have to think about everyone already here too

AIBU to think its just not doable or should I just say yes and figure it out as we go??

(hope this makes sense abit all over the place today)

OP posts:
Bowies · 14/04/2026 19:22

Yes it seems like it will be challenging to have him there the whole time - but I’m curious why he wants to be given some of the issues, over crowding, fights.

Things must be pretty bad with his DM?

Or is it DH pushing the agenda?

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:22

Clarabell77 · 14/04/2026 19:20

YABVU. The child should be able to live with his father.

Perhaps you can house them then.

SpainToday · 14/04/2026 19:22

I havent said no just that I need an actual plan not just “it will be fine” because it wont just magically be fine

It’s a very male trait to brush off logistical queries in this way, not to mention really unhelpful.

Robogob · 14/04/2026 19:22

That poor child. Heartbreaking that he probably feels completely unwanted. This thread is really upsetting. My own son is 16 and the thought of him in this situation is devastating.

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:21

OverTheWater28 · 14/04/2026 19:19

Hang on… you decided to have three children with him despite not living together and only having a three bedroom house? So you can make room for all the children you want, but not your DP son? In your DPs position I wouldn’t stand for that.

The DP leaves all the school stuff, washing and prepping meals to the OP. He is hardly father of the year.

aredrosegrewup · 14/04/2026 19:20

SpainToday · 14/04/2026 19:18

Totally agree with this. And as a step parent, you just can’t win.

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No because unfortunately a lot of the time the children aren't prioritised in step-families. People won't like to hear it but it's true. I'm a step-child.

Clarabell77 · 14/04/2026 19:20

YABVU. The child should be able to live with his father.

OverTheWater28 · 14/04/2026 19:19

Hang on… you decided to have three children with him despite not living together and only having a three bedroom house? So you can make room for all the children you want, but not your DP son? In your DPs position I wouldn’t stand for that.

Ferreroroch · 14/04/2026 19:19

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:15

Eye rolling because it is physically impossible 🙄

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It’s not actually.

Depending on the room sizes obviously, 2 x Bunk Beds in one room 1 x bunk bed in another room or the feckless adults give up THEIR room, the children all sleep upstairs and THEY get a sofa bed downstairs in the living room.

SALaw · 14/04/2026 19:18

This is heartbreaking to read you speak like this. If you have a relationship with someone with a child you should surely always factor in room for them in your home, whether full time or every couple of weeks, or holidays etc?!

Itsmetheflamingo · 14/04/2026 19:18

No wonder Op didn’t want to tell everyone how many children she has in the house. It’s descended into rudeness and discrimination

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 19:18

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:18

Might be the teens fathering children

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It’s not a one or the other situation.

chances that both will happen? High

BruFord · 14/04/2026 19:18

Given your update regarding your children, I don't think it would be in your SS's best interests to move in unless he's really unhappy at his Mum's.

Instead of saying it'll be fine, your DP needs to speak privately to his son (take him out somewhere that they can have a quiet chat) and find out exactly why he wants to move in. Something must really be upsetting him to want to move into such an overcrowded house. His Mum may have a partner whom he doesn't get on with, for example, or perhaps he's having problems at school.

Get to the bottom of what's going and move forward from there.

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:18

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 19:16

Chances that this pair will have another baby together?

High. Sadly. Very high.

Might be the teens fathering children

SpainToday · 14/04/2026 19:18

Doubledenim305 · 14/04/2026 19:02

OP I am totally on your side and I totally hear you having experienced something similar.
I know and you know that if HIS son comes to live with you all then it's YOU that will be the skivvy and doing all the work associated with that decision whilst DH just enjoys having his son around. If you complain about anything then it's YOU who is shouted at, and made the villain in the whole scenario. DSS is 'just a lad' and therefore excused. DH is busy and has much lower standards so doesn't see what you are making a fuss about.
I don't have answers but Mumsnet is horrific on seeing the stepmums side and always takes the side of the kid. Fair enough it's not easy being a kid with divorced parents BUT you know it will destroy you having more mess and chaos and fighting in the house. You know it will be you who is hung out to dry in the end and nobody will give a stuff.
I hear you. I do💕
In my scenario I offered to move out. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. In the end DSS stayed with his mum and visits as before. It's manageable.
But I know u got a roasting here but I totally see where you are coming from.

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Totally agree with this. And as a step parent, you just can’t win.

KerryPippin · 14/04/2026 19:17

He needs to sort out a house big enough for you all.

You just don't have space at the moment.

MissRaspberryRipples · 14/04/2026 19:17

So where was he living up until a year ago whilst you had three of his kids? Sounds like he needs to go back there as from your responses OP it doesn't sound like he does much for his kids now he lives with you all so I can imagine he didn't do a fat lot for his kids before he came to live with you

Tacohill · 14/04/2026 19:17

DP needs to speak to his ex and see what she’s saying.

If she wants the son to live with you FT then you have no options.

But if she’d like the son to stay in her home, then you can talk to DSS about staying over more but not FT due to his mum missing him.

Why not just swap the days over that you do now?
Him staying at yours during the week and his mums at the weekend?
If they’re out most of the day at school then there will be less fights than him being there all day on the weekends.

likeafishneedsabike · 14/04/2026 19:16

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 19:14

This poor boy stands no chance of GCSE revision

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Absolutely no chance of revision - and maybe not much chance of concentrating at school either if things are a bit chaotic at home day and night.

Itsmetheflamingo · 14/04/2026 19:16

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 19:15

Yep.

“said”. Why? Because it would be benefit fraud if she admitted the truth.

but I’d put money on it this family is in receipt of a shed load of benefits and this house with her sole name on the tenancy agreement will be because of benefit fraud

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Why would you assume that? Because council tenants are always feckless and criminal?

Most council house residents pay full rent

Jemimapony · 14/04/2026 19:16

Chances that this pair will have another baby together?

High. Sadly. Very high.

Lordofmyflies · 14/04/2026 19:16

What an absolute shit show.. poor kids you are where you are.
First stop is to get some contraception for both of you.
Secondly, think about either applying for a larger council house or private rental. Do either of you work? is this financially viable?
If a larger house isn't an option, I would seriously consider asking DP to move out with his SS, you can have a stable base with your 5 DC, and DP can do visitation.

TheSassyPinkJoker · 14/04/2026 19:16

Im sure the OP Knows she's overcrowded. Im sure she knows how many children she has. Why keep screeching about it it is done. But it's her house it's her final say especially as she does all the work.

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 19:15

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GarlicFind · 14/04/2026 19:15

Greenfingers37 · 14/04/2026 17:49

Given that it is ‘your’ house and your partner moved in with you and your children, I’m going to buck the trend and say YANBU. If he wants his son to live with him, he needs to get his own place. Does he pay 50/50?

Agreed before I saw you also have 3 DC together. I must admit my first thought was whether the DP's trying to get out of child maintenance.

I certainly agree with you, OP, you can't squeeze another teenager in! Maybe he could have longer weekends at yours, but it looks like time for a conference between you, DP, his son and his ex.

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