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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex refusing to get a car?

86 replies

Cardilemma5 · 14/04/2026 16:55

So background is me and my ex have a very different sort of co-parenting situation, I wont go into details but we basically spend alot of time together with our child but we dont live together.

Ex had a work vehicle that he was allowed to use for personal use but recently due to a job change he now has a company vehicle that he is strictly not allowed to use for any personal use.
Because he has always had a work vehicle we do all of our travel together like days out etc in my car which has always been fine although annoys me from time to time as he never contributes petrol and obviously all wear & tear is my responsibility.

Ex has declared he wont be getting a car for personal use as he cant afford it (I understand he is low income as am I but a car is a necessity for school/work/clubs and what not)
AIBU to be annoyed that all responsibility falls to me if he doesn't have a vehicle he can use outside of him working? He cant pick our child up from school in an emergency if needed, he cant take her to any clubs (he doesn't anyway but if it was ever needed he wont be able to)
It's annoyed me that he wont even consider getting a car but maybe im unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cardilemma5 · 14/04/2026 17:39

purpleme12 · 14/04/2026 17:08

Is a car really a necessity? Or just something that makes it easier to get places quicker?

I don't drive. I can get to school in an emergency. Naturally it's going to take a bit longer to get places if you use the bus/train but you factor that in and accept it. Or walk if it's walkable. We walk to all of our after school activities.

We live in a small village with rubbish public transport so it is a necessity for clubs i completely understand these are optional but they are a commitment and ex will get annoyed if she doesn't attend them but getting her to and from them is completely my responsibility in his eyes.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 14/04/2026 17:35

So it's not a case of a car being essential then...
It's a case of he won't now he's not got a car....

Original poster
Cardilemma5 · 14/04/2026 17:34

Vconcerned1 · 14/04/2026 16:59

I said yabu because he could still collect your child from school/clubs using public transport... He doesn't need a car. They are a luxury. It's an inconvenience and will make logistics much harder, but it isn't a necessity.

He wouldnt use public transport

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 14/04/2026 17:32

Why can't he?
You can get to places in other ways

Original poster
Cardilemma5 · 14/04/2026 17:29

NerrSnerr · 14/04/2026 16:59

There isn’t anything you can do. I understand you haven’t gone into details but i suppose he doesn’t have the child alone for overnights and weekends so feels he doesn’t have to drive them anywhere? I suspect if the waters are muddied with an informal arrangements he won’t feel he has to do any of the school runs or activities? Obviously I might be wrong but that’s my guess.

Sorry I just didn't go into detail so that it didnt become a massive opening thread.
He doesn't have her overnight on his own, she does stay there but I also stay over. He also only has to do one school run a week and he can walk so thats fine, but he cannot do any of the activities which he generally doesn't do but there has been very odd occasion where I've not had a car if its in for repair or MOT or whatever and hes taken her.
He's not exactly worlds best dad hence why we are not together but now the minimal effort he gives will be even less cause he cant meet us to do things or spend time with her unless im there.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 14/04/2026 17:23

There are ways to do things without a car. I would hate to not have one but it’s not essential you just find ways around it.

cinnamonda · 14/04/2026 17:16

He can always get a taxi or rent a zipcar for the day/ for the activity.

Arlanymor · 14/04/2026 17:14

If he can't afford it, he can't afford it - I imagine he doesn't want to get into debt if he can avoid it, which to be honest is fair enough, particularly with the cost of living and fuel costs rising. I know parents who don't drive and they still manage to get their children to/from schools and clubs, it definitely can be done. More of a struggle if you live very rurally, but as I said it definitely can be done.

Also lots of families who do all live together only have one car and it has to be prioritised for the person who needs to travel to/from/with work, so again often the main caregiver doesn't have access to a car which means they need to find alternative ways to get their children to various places.

Unless I am missing something glaring whereby a car IS essential due to your parenting arrangements, I think it's far more responsible NOT to get a vehicle when it's beyond your financial means.

purpleme12 · 14/04/2026 17:08

Is a car really a necessity? Or just something that makes it easier to get places quicker?

I don't drive. I can get to school in an emergency. Naturally it's going to take a bit longer to get places if you use the bus/train but you factor that in and accept it. Or walk if it's walkable. We walk to all of our after school activities.

Vconcerned1 · 14/04/2026 16:59

I said yabu because he could still collect your child from school/clubs using public transport... He doesn't need a car. They are a luxury. It's an inconvenience and will make logistics much harder, but it isn't a necessity.

NerrSnerr · 14/04/2026 16:59

There isn’t anything you can do. I understand you haven’t gone into details but i suppose he doesn’t have the child alone for overnights and weekends so feels he doesn’t have to drive them anywhere? I suspect if the waters are muddied with an informal arrangements he won’t feel he has to do any of the school runs or activities? Obviously I might be wrong but that’s my guess.