Ex refusing to get a car?

Why on earth are you going shopping and days out with him? You’re not together, let him sort his own shopping and leisure activities.

and staying over at his? WTAF?

Unfortunately you are right, he is a lazy parent and I suppose I do alot of what I do because otherwise he would get out of parenting so much and I want him to spend time with his daughter.
It's been a few months now that he hasnt been able to use his car and its been like well you'll have to pick me up or I cant do that, or if you want to go there you'll have to take me. I have to bring our daughter to him so he can take her to visit his family whereas before he could pick her up and id get a rare hour to myself. I just know the longer it goes on the more it will drive me mad.

This is ridiculous. Why are you putting up with this? Stop picking him up and taking places. If he wants to go places he will need to get a car or take a taxi or public transport like everyone else. If he wants to take his daughter to see his family he will have to work out how to do that if he doesn't have a car.

You need a proper split. This is a wishy-washy mish-mash. You aren't going to be able to stay friends like you were before you got together. In a few years a friendship might be possible but not right now. It's muddying the waters. He might even think you are still together, just not living together or that you are likely to get back together.
You need a clean break. You aren't together. You do not want to get back together. You make arrangements for his contact time with your daughter. You don't go and sleep in his house with your daughter during contact time or pick him up and drive him shopping and for day trips so he can see his daughter.
You could drop your daughter off for contact time and pick her up I suppose, but what he does during his contact time is for him to organize.

If he doesn't need/want/can't afford a car, that's fine. That's his business, not yours. But he also doesn't get to use you as his personal taxi service. He can phone for an actual taxi and pay for it, use public transport or walk and if he can't manage using those three methods of transport because of location etc. he will need to get a car.

His transport issues are not your problem.

YABU, cars are a luxury not a necessity. There are too many on the road as there is.

Why not just share the car?

There is nothing wrong with some activities together but this is too much and negatively impacting you financially which you can't afford. Make a new pattern of him having regular scheduled contact eg a Saturday or Sunday all day and you drop her off and pick her up - for your convenience. You can dictate times and days as you are making it work. You get some time to yourself and if he's shit while she's there that's his problem not yours. You will be really surprised how quickly he relaxes his rules on using the work car/ public transport when you are not running him everywhere.

Ex has no right to get annoyed be you missing DD’s clubs due to transport he can’t be arsed to do himself. He isn’t your boss.

if he tells you that you will have to do xyz to take him places or take his daughter places for him, you need to say no. Maybe his family will miss out on seeing her, that’s his problem, not yours.

You don’t seriously want to still be his taxi driver, do you-you’ve split up! Move on.

It doesn't sound as if you have evrealky separated at all, you need to stop going on all these outings with him and he has to be responsible for when he gets your child.

Idk which way to vote. On the one hand, men should be equally involved parents as the Mum, which involves being able to drive in order to better serve their children.

On the other hand, you can't expect someone to get a car if they can't afford one and humans have lived for thousands of years without cars. Can he and the kids get bikes and helmets?

He can “demand” as much as he likes but unless it’s in a CAO you do not need to do any travelling to enable him to see his DD. That is HIS responsibility.

The relationship is over, stop letting him have this power over you.

A car isn’t something you have to prioritise.

It’s something you choose to prioritise because it makes life a lot easier.

He doesn’t have to make those same choices as you. Equally you don’t have to continually sub as a taxi driver for him.

He will just have to get a taxi if he needs to in an emergency eg to.pick child up from school.

He doesn’t get to “demand” anything. He facilitates his visits with his own child, just like every other parent up and down the country. And if he refuses to see her, that’s reflected in the child maintenance, as you will have her 100% of the time. Time to set some boundaries, OP. He

He facilitates visits with his family—not you. Not your problem if he refuses to buy a car. Train/taxi/Granny drives. Not your concern, OP.

He has discussed it and the answer was he can't afford it

There is no village in the UK that a healthy adult can't walk to any location within that village. He doesn't get to dictate where YOU have to take your child. Stop the clubs unless he steps up.

Simple solution, if you do all the driving he pays half the costs. Put that option to him.
Also, re the company car, I've never known a company state they can't be used for personal use, usually personal mileage is calculated and deducted from wages

Imo you are conning dd into thinking she has a good df!! When she is older and the penny drops she may be fuming with you!!

It sounds like he has you under some kind of control.

So you want to get back with him?

If not, cut the cord.

Youre going to have to learn to say no. If he complains about DD missing a club occasionally but he’s not willing to take her to them, ignore him. If he wants DD to see his family, you don’t have to be the taxi service. He can arrange it himself by getting a cab, asking a family member to drive or any other means. You don’t have to facilitate his life. You can tell him he’ll need to contribute to petrol and car maintenance if he wants lifts from you, but that doesn’t mean he gets a lift every time he wants one.
If he’s not inconvenienced, there’s no reason for him to get a car.
I suspect that you feel guilty because you are the one who initiated the separation, but tbh it looks as if you had good reason to do so. You don’t have to compensate him.

How do you see this playing out when he gets a new girlfriend?

Let him be the parent he can be within the patameters he sets himself. Some of these are geographical. You can't parent for him. Let him work out how to do it, or not. You can't force him to step up.

Why are you driving him around, and staying over? It's all so weird and unhealthy. Are you spying on him? Is he making sure you're not able to shag anyone else?

If he needs a shop in for when DD stays over, for example, you realise that is not your responsibility?

Stop hanging out in each other's houses.

He needs to pay you maintenance too.

You said you are friends but he's not treating you like a friend. I think you should formalise the custody arrangements including child maintenance and get some distance from him. Otherwise who knows how long he'll have you running around after him. I get that you want the best for your daughter including a good relationship with him, but you can't force this man to be a good father.

I would be insisting he pays for the petrol or he doesn’t go. You’re being walked all over here.

And as for him not being willing to use public transport - why can’t he? I often use the bus if parking will be too expensive.

If I stop our arrangement completely he will demand I drop her off and pick her up so he can see her instead but perhaps thats preferable to what we have now.

If you stop the arrangement and he moans then honestly tough shit. So what? You are not his servant you don't have to do anything no matter what he demands. The fact you think you do shows just how odd your current co parenting relationship is.

Cross posted with this:

“If I stop our arrangement completely he will demand I drop her off and pick her up so he can see her instead but perhaps thats preferable to what we have now.”

He can demand what he wants. The answer is no. If that means he doesn’t see her - that is his choice and not your responsibility

In an emergency he’d get a taxi surely with the money he saves by not having a car he should save up an emergency pot