To wonder whether the term “pick me” is misogynist?

I think the only ones with an issue with it are those who still believe (erroneously) that is a betrayal of the non existent ‘sisterhood’

Hate this term only experienced it online where I have stuck up for the male in the situation and women start saying oh pick me. Its basically saying you can only ever agree with women and all men are the devil.

It was always used for women around 18 plus especially on nights out

I wholeheartedly agree! Mumsnet can be terrible echo chamber of woman right, men wrong sometimes.

I agree it is misogynistic. I have been accused of being a "pick me" and I would consider myself a feminist!

It's just a lazy insult thrown at women as a put down.

I thought blokes coukd be pickme too

Personally I think the concepts of both "bro code" and "girl code" are a bit ridiculous because they imply that people's gender is the most important aspect of the way they interact with the world and the other humans in it.

I

😂😂

I’d never heard it until a year ago when my 11 year old daughter referred to another girl. I thought she said Pygmy because the girl was very small!

it is misogynistic if used like the school playground example above.

also misogynistic if it’s used to describe a pattern if female behaviour some women adopt without consideration of how that came to be.

but it’s definitely not a term I’d say should not be used or avoided. We need to discuss this phenomenon and young girls growing up need a term to recognise this phenomenon lest they fall down the same trap.

I absolutely could have been called a pick me girl in my past. Not so much putting other women down but certainly in framing my value around men’s interest and making decisions about my activities and appearance to conform to what I’d been raised to believe men valued. I was always told feminism had won, we have the vote, to be feminist now is a negative. I’ve walked head first into abusive relationships and a shit life due to my choices. Choices I made because I was raised that way. It’s absolutely still a thing girls are raised this way, certainly there is progress for so many to the point there are women on this thread sarcastically saying women can’t be responsible for their actions because of the patriarchy cuz we so weak or whatever the words thy used were. But it’s still a thing. In the last year I can think of multiple examples of young children being raised/influenced this way. I’m not ignorant enough to believe just because I’ve learnt and would never raise my children this way they are not influenced by society, it’s a useful phrase I will definitely be using with them in discussion when they are old enough to understand the basics of the point and not misunderstand

Pick me term has always been about where I live. It was always used to describe women especially who dressed very provocative (often totally inappropriate for the event) draped themselves all over a bloke, tinkly laugh at everything bloke said, lost the ability to do any task without male help or use their brain and agreed with any statement that came out of blokes mouth.

Is the term 'misogynist' misogynist?

Interesting take. So is a woman breaking the girl code bad but a male breaking the bro code good?

It's not a term I use. I try to steer away from terms which generalise about women but it does describe a certain type of behaviour exhibited by women who prize male approval above all else. It's probably quite an anxious way to live but I don't have to be sympathetic towards people who don't engage in any self reflection and treat other people badly.

It's mystifying really because male attention is as ubiquitous as oxygen and far less valuable.

Misogynist men use terms like "white knight" and "captain save-a-ho" as roughly equivalent. The assumption is that men's loyalty should be first and foremost with other men, and standing up for women breaks some sort of bro code.

"Pick me" can describe women with internalised misogyny who centre men, but it can also be used as a misogynistic putdown in itself about women who don't conform to the "girl code". Like all labels, it gets popular because people recognise the pattern of behaviour it describes; then it becomes a meaningless buzzword as people just use it in whatever stupid ways they feel like in order to feel like they have the moral high ground.

We're not at the point where I'd dismiss anyone using it but I definitely wouldn't use it myself. Have some sort of nuance FFS.

It might be misogynistic language but we all know exactly the behaviour we're talking about.

Id say men and women can be equally insecure and needing to prove and validate themselves but women then show "pick me" symptoms and men demonstrate love bombing or stalker symptoms. Or, when the symptoms are more entitled, then its "manosphere men" (who use red and blue pill as the male derogatory)

For me it describes behaviour women display consciously or otherwise to encourage men to like and/or value them more than other women.
I think its quite broad, but always involves some form of delivering what they feel the man wants from them and usually involves another woman or women in the role of negative comparator. Sympathising with a male colleague that his wife wants him home to help with the kids rather than go for a drink. The OW competing with his wife by never refusing sex or complaining if he's late. Defending men and calling women who criticise them man haters. All pick me behaviours.

When it was being used by 9 year old boys as referenced above it was absolutely sexist. They were using it to describe the girls in their year who liked playing football and lunchtime claiming they were only playing to get the boys to like them rather than actually playing because they wanted to.

They, or at least one boy in particular, I heard use it that way when he was tackled by one of the girls playing after school. He resented being tackled by a girl so called her a pick-me girl in retaliation.

That was why the head was so angry about it.

There is actually a podcast called Mr Pick Me and the Man Hater where I interpret its meaning to be that the man is a ‘pick me’ for expressing feminist views in order to ingratiate himself with women. I would interpret it similarly in women but trying to ingratiate themselves with men.

Maybe I’m wrong but I thought the phrase originally came from a speech by Meredith Grey on the show ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ where she asks Derek to ‘pick me’ over another woman (I don’t watch the show so I don’t know who).

So I originally thought the phrase ‘pick me girl’ was about women who go after men who are already in relationships, because it gives them a sense of validation to be actively chosen over another women.

But it sounds from this thread like the meaning has maybe become broader than that?

Is this your first time on mumsnet? Of course it all comes down to the "patriarchy" . Us women don't have any autonomy, we are all conditioned to behave as men pleasers, didn't you know 😂

i most often see it used in a very literal sense on the relationships board when women are told not to go the "pick me dance" when their DH/DP is having an affair and "can't decide" which woman he wants (ffs!) often the wife or partner will turn themselves inside out or be pressured to turn themselves inside out by DH/DP to prove that they are the ones most 'deserving' of the man's attentions (again ffs) hence don't do the pick me dance

Probably a much nicer way of describing someone, they would have been called a slapper back in my day 🙄.

Me too. I’m definitely a recovering Pick Me.