Moral dilemma - hen do

If you will feel uncomfortable opt out. I'm amazed people are still doing this nowadays.

I once took over for a hen ( years ago) because she was so embarrassed by the stripper's antics. I pulled him off her because he was bouncing up and down above her naked whilst she was laid on the floor. She was mortified. I said do your worst to me if everyone needs a laugh. He was pretty tame after that. I can be quite scary though 😅

It's not a moral dilemma - you've been very clear to your DP how you feel about strip clubs/shows, so you'd be a massive hypocrite if you attended. It's either you're ok with it, or you're not, it's not selective depending on whether it's you watching men, or dp watching women surely?!

As for this - I could potentially not tell DP about it and attend. I don’t want to come across as awkward by declining to attend and it’s my friends hen so I want to be there to celebrate with her - that's a really shitty attitude.

Is the moral dilemma the stripping or the lying?

I could potentially not tell DP about it and attend. I don’t want to come across as awkward by declining to attend and it’s my friends hen so I want to be there to celebrate with her.

Not nearly as awkward as it would be when DP finds out (and he is likely to at some point via social media). But if you want to be a hypocrite...

If you don't want to go and wouldnt like your dh to go to similar then it is really wrong to lie about it.

You could talk to dh, maybe he isnt bothered. However this does mean if he is asked to strip club at any point you csnt expect him to not go.

Best option is to go to meal/drinks before or after strip show. No lying to dh, or going to an event you arent keen on. If you want to tell a white lie rather than say you dont want to go then tell organisers you cant manage show rather than wont go.

There is absolutely no way I would be attending an event with a male (or female) stripper.

I either wouldn't go at all or just attend other parts of the day.

But in answer to your question, talk to your DP about it if you really want to go. I suspect he will be fine about it - I know mine would be.

But again - I would not be going. Yuck.

That's what I'd do. But I am post menopausal and have become more used to saying 'Nope, that's not for me, but I'll do this with you' lately. Previously I would be a ttotal people pleaser and would have twisted myself into knots about it and what the others 'thought' of me. Now I don't care.

I don't think the stripper is a big deal but you've made it one by telling your DP that he couldn't do the equivalent so now you're stuck. Tell him and he probably won't mind but you will have to be prepared for him to see a stripper on a stag do!

I’ve gone to a hen do which had a strip show. I was a bit uncomfortable about it so didnt do that bit. I did the brunch before and dinner after. No big deal. Still had a great time!

I am in exactly the same position OP. I am not going to that bit of the hen and will meet the probably very pissed group after this part of the get together for dinner & karaoke. Male strippers are just not for me & my time and money are too scarce a resource to waste on doing something that I don’t want to do these days!!

I think this neatly sums up my view too.

Not only is it tacky but the person being paid probably has a really low opinion of the audience. No part of that is appealing.

Should you lie to your husband about it? Is that even a question?

Eurgh… I would be declining or skipping the stripper. I can’t imagine anything more awkward than watching a stranger strip and gyrate about with my friends.

I’d tell DH and he could help me think of a way to skip it too!

Do you actually want to go? I wouldn't want to so I wouldn't but I would join a dinner before or after if that's something that's planned.

Lying about it is silly and unnecessary. Either accept you want to go and be honest about it or don't go. The option of going secretly is stupid.

Congratulations, here's the gold MN hypocrisy medal! A strip show is a strip show, you can bluster on about a male strip show being different as much as you want! Some of the vilest talk I've heard has been from women about men, sorry for not following the mantra!

If you don’t allow your DP to do something there is absolutely no excuse for you thinking it’s ok for you to do.

Can't think of anything I'd enjoy less than a strip show. But anyway, tell your husband and work out a plan between you. I'd skip it and just meet the rest of the hens afterwards. I appreciate you don't want to seem like a fun sponge - but tbh I think I'd take that hit rather than watch something that I personally (but quite strongly) feel to be demeaning all round.

its a bit double standards to be honest, and please fgs dont lie - just be honest why you cant go.

I would tell him it's on the itinerary and would skip it while the others went. If they have a problem with that, tough. I got dragged to one in Brighton on a hen night and it was as grim AF. Utterly degrading for everyone involved. I needed ten hot showers afterwards to get the scuzzy feeling off me.

I can’t believe strip clubs still exist tbh or that anyone thinks it’s a good idea to celebrate a forthcoming marriage by paying to watch other people take their clothes off. It’s disgusting. I wouldn’t go and I’d say I’d tell them I wasn’t going because I don’t like strip clubs. That’s you’re considering being such a hypocrite you’d lie to your partner says plenty.

I think there’s an asymmetry between male & female strippers, in terms of who is getting exploited & to what extent, so it’s not quite as simple as ‘sauce for the goose’.

But presumably your close mate & your dh are both people you could talk to?

Mate: ‘Can I duck out of the stripper bit? Whereabouts in the day/evening is it?’ …& hopefully you can go for the meal then make your excuses.

Dh: ‘Sarah’s having a stripper - you know how I’ve always said I wouldn’t want you to go to a strip club, help me come up with an excuse!’ …& possibly he says it’s not the same thing at all, he completely agrees with you about him going to a strip club being nasty but couldn’t care less if you’re off to shriek at Magic Mike to keep your mate happy.

The main risk is that your dh says ‘well actually I’ve always thought you were being unreasonable about strippers…’ thereby exposing a fairly fundamental difference in your values. I think I’d probably rather know but YMMV.

Definitely don’t lie to him. That’s a complete surrender of any moral high ground.

Yeah dont do that 😂Its not about you, either politly decline or go, dont make a spectacle of yourself.

Actually I see no difference between a male and female stripper. Personally find both repugnant and am grateful that it’s never been something my friends have wanted at their parties.

I would speak to the organiser and make clear that you are excited to come to the Hen Do but do not want to take part in the bit with the stripper as it crosses agreed boundaries you have in your relationship (and yes, it is okay to say ‘and I would find it uncomfortable as I I find it morally repellant’).

Ask if it can be clearly delineated when that part of the itinerary will take place so that you can remove yourself and if not decline. Then discuss with DH whether he is happy for you to attend and extricate yourself if that is a viable option.

You’re not being a killjoy if it’s not for you - but it would be deeply hypocritical to attend and then veto your DH at any future stag dos.

👏👏👏

It's hypocritical if you go. There's long been a double standard, like the "joke" in Boston Legal about a boy who who sexually abused by an adult woman being "lucky"-and we know what we'd say if it was an old man and a young girl.
Yes, in the past, women and girls would suffer the shame of an unwed pregnancy, which was a terrible double standard. And yes, there is a massive difference between adults abusing children, and stripping, but it is relevant when discussing double standards in what's acceptable for men/women, in terms of judgment, and treating people as objects.
But if the problem is that you don't agree with a human being a sex object, it is a problem whether that person is a man or a woman.

I would tell your DH that this is on the plan and that you will not be attending that part. I have an Hen coming up and if there was something like that I would be skipping too.