Moral dilemma - hen do

If it was me, I would leave while the stripper was there - not out of any kind of moral, or high and mighty reason, just because it would make me feel incredibly uncomfortable and I wouldn't enjoy it in the slightest. You could just do that?

You also say it's "not the same thing" as female strippers. Why? You're still objectifying.

You should not lie.

It would be hypocritical for you to go if you prevent your partner from attending similar as an equally reluctant spectator on a stag night. Assuming you both have trust that there would be no touching/sexual contact.

I wouldn’t go, that’s gross.

It is common courtesy and respectful to involve your DP in things such as this.

So if he wanted to go to a strip club then he should go? He shouldn't run this past her to see how she felt about him looking at naked women dancing around in front of him?

Anyone in a committed relationship would mention this to their partner to see how they felt about it first, unless they have already had the talk in the past and both decided neither could give a toss about such things.

This

Sounds great I’ll go instead of you. We did a magic Mike show in Benidorm it was so ridiculously fun. Just tell him, but also loosen up and let him go.

What do men do then, really turned on with hard ons? Do they just wait for it to go away?

I've never been to a strip club but saw some footage of a famous person wanking in a private room at a strip club. The security guard sold the CCTV footage

I feel the same.

Most of my friends do as well, but I just said that I would skip that part with my cousin and SIL and it was fine.

I think the obvious answer here is for you to tell your DP of the hen night plans and see what his reaction is. He will either laugh and tell you to go and have a great time, or he may say he would prefer you not to go. Then there is your answer.

But just bear in mind, that if you choose to go, if he says he doesn't mind, then you are opening the door for him to attend strip clubs and lap dancing bars. How would you feel if he went to one of those? Because you can't tell him you would not want him to do this, when you have done it yourself. Its not one rule for me and another for you. That is not how relationships work.

But definitely DO NOT lie. If he finds out that it was planned in advance and everyone knew beforehand it could come back to bite you on the ass. As well as the fact that lying to your DP is a crappy thing to do in the first place.

I would just make your decision on whether or not to go based on what you actually want to do.
You want to go, go.
You think you'll hate it, then don't go.

But I wouldn't be turning any of this into a moral dilemma concerning my DP.
It's not that deep.

I wouldn’t go. I always thought I was ok about that stuff but I went to a ‘ladies night’ once. DH was fine with it but it made me feel grubby and uncomfortable so I would just make an excuse and not go. Unless it was magic Mike or something where I could sit far back in a crowd and not risk being pulled into it

Maybe this will make you re-think how controlling you are of your DP? Seems ok for you to do

Wow, are you kidding?

Have you ever seen these male strip shows? They pull women up on the stage and grind all over them. One my friend went to last year he was grabbing her hands and putting them down his trousers. I have had another friend have a penis dipped into her drink. Gross.

Just because some women work in strip clubs because they feel they have no choice, many actually chose to do it and enjoy what they do. They are not all exploited vulnerable women being taken advantage of. My friends sister worked in one for years and had a blast. Not something I would do but I never judged her for choosing to do it.

And women leering and cheering at men getting is just as bad as men doing the exact same thing. Its all pretty grim IMO. All of it is pretty tasteless and tacky.

I wouldn't go to a male strip show because its not my thing, and I would not appreciate my DH attending the equivalent.

I’d probably go and have gone in the past when it was more acceptable (full frontal). That was more about curiosity, as it was very novel when I was much younger and more naive. I actually found it a bit cringey and declined others. As pp said male strip shows nowadays are mostly more about humour than full frontal nudity. The Magic Mike one really is a good laugh.

Go to the event but leave for the show or join them for drinks later. I’m surprised the show would take up a huge portion of the day.

Jees, have these people no imagination! So many options for a day out, and they choose sleaze.

I would still give it a miss and try and find something fun to do in the area instead.

So if your husband attends one and lies, that's ok?

Whatever else you do, don't lie to your husband.

I wouldn't want to go to a stripper show - tacky, tacky, tacky.

Blimey! Who wants to watch anyone experience the humiliation of stripping for strangers, so they can have a laugh, get turned on etc. It doesn’t matter where the stripping takes place, does it? IMHO it’s not to do with disrespecting a partner, it’s the stripper who’s being disrespected by people paying for it. There’s so much exploitation around it: grooming, trafficking etc.

Not dissing those who genuinely choose to do it to earn or because they enjoy it. But as a punter, how do you know how the stripper really feels? And why would you find it a laugh or a turn on anyway?

Speak to the bride-to-be and organiser, say you’re terribly sorry and you don’t want to be difficult, but you won’t be able to make the strip show but will be there the rest of the time. Don’t make a big deal out of it or even give reasons. If asked, just say it’s not for you. That’s assertive while avoiding a fuss.

Either opt out of the strip show or don’t go.

I wouldn’t go to see a stripper and if they are your friends they would respect that.

I don’t judge women who do go to strip shows but it’s not my thing.

I think you should not go because it's such a ridiculous event in the first place. Paying to see a bunch of blokes getting undressed for drunk, ridiculous women to leer over and scream at? Yuk.

It's a hard line for you if your husband did the same but now it's a hen party you're bending the rules? How come it's not ok for him to do the same?

You either approve of folk visiting a stripper/s or you don't. Stand up for your own morals and sit this one out op. The issue isn't to fib to your DP (hint, he'll find out anyway)

Tell your DH about it, just think how you would feel if he went to something like that and hid it from you.

Reply in the group that you don't want to attend that bit but will still attend the weekend.

I went to a Chippendales show back in the 90's and would never go to anything like it again. The male aggression, the screaming women, it was not an enjoyable evening.

@CatttS in a relationship I too don’t agree with men going to stop clubs .
I however would NOT be attending this part of the hen do either. Can’t think of anything worse .
I would be telling friend you will be along after that part is over .
It’s is what it is

I can’t imagine anything worse personally. But if it’s a big part of the day, then I’d opt out entirely and ask if you can take her out for a special lunch, just the two of you on a different date.

The organisers have chosen a very specific activity and trey can’t be surprised if some people opt out. I bet you won’t be the only one.

It isn't 'goggling at a more socially powerful group' though, it's goggling at an individual. And the individual is what matters - and I think there's a good chance they are also highly vulnerable to end up doing that work.

It's quite a horrible thought to my mind to justify the exploitation of an individual just because they happen to have one characteristic in common with an oppressive group of people. What happened to intersectionality?