Moral dilemma - hen do

That's not true and you know it!

It wouldn't matter if you didn't mind about him going to a strip club

It's the double standard that makes it such a shitty thing to do.

Ive been to one of these dreamboys shows- it was absolutely obscene. The crowd participation was funny but thank god I didn’t get picked out. Just a warning the ‘extras’ package made me blush and went too far for me. Think marshmallows and eating off body parts etc. I’ll be honest I ‘went to the toilet’ as I felt embarrassed as a married lady.

Lying to your husband is poor. Don’t do that just so he doesn’t get a pass for the future. Work on building your trust and confidence within your relationship.

If the bride to be is going on stage for “extras” then it’s more than a stage show

Also sorry, I've gone off topic. I think the OP is very wrong to lie to her partner about this and I don't like and would never visit a male strip club. I can still understand it is different to a female strip club and the exploitation of and danger to women involved in sex work is far greater than the degradation and danger posed to men performing for hen dos. I don't like it, but it isn't the same.

Holbeck in Leeds. It was stopped due to covid - not because of reduced demand. It caused enormous problems with men coming to harass and attack women, both sex workers and not. In person sex work still happens though, it hasn't all shifted to online pornography, though women may advertise online for in person clients rather than standing on the street. That's not fundamentally different though, and it's still the case that men are the main consumers of sex work. It seemed that you were trying to argue that's not the case, which is the aspect you're wrong about - and the closure of authorised red light districts does not equate to the decline of men paying for sex.

Well she said she's told partner she'd be unhappy with him attending this type of event, that's not the same as repeatedly asking someone not to do something or them attempting to do it. It all sounds purely hypothetical. That's what I mean about making it into a drama.
If for example I asked my partner not to go the pub after work every Friday..but then started doing the exact same then yes I'd be a hypocrite. This seems to be a one off scenario and like others, I don't actually think they are the same thing.

Which town is this?

As I said, the 3 red light districts I knew of have gone. Outside Kings Cross, the Romford Road in east London and around Chelmsford town centre.

You've not read the OP. She has, in the past, asked her DP not to go to these type of events. She is now considering lying by default to her DP so that she can attend one herself.

Well if it's a white lie for you then it'd be a white lie for him to do the same? Surely you con't defend that position?

Just to add - I personally wouldn't be bothered either way but I also wouldn't be worked up about my OH seeing a stripper with a group of mates either; sounds cringy to me. You can't possibly defend the double standard though.

Omg the pearl clutching here is off the charts! This isn't my cup of tea at all but I can't imagine giving it the emotional energy of some big life changing event. It's a few hours with friends fgs, either grin and bear it or make polite excuses.

As to it being relationship-wrecking territory I would say-how many times has your partner been to or been invited to a strip club? How often have you? Is this a reoccurring issue? I would wager not at all so why all the drama? Personally I can't envisage ever needing 'permission' from my partner to do anything, I bet he wouldn't even care anyway. If he does and you think it would escalate I'd say you have a trust issue not a stripper issue!

You obviously don't know what a white lie is. Absolutely appalling behaviour to be honest and I hope he finds out the truth.

You are extremely wrong on both counts. In a city near me, a red light district was authorised by the council. Local women and schoolgirls were relentlessly harassed by the influx of men driving in. A sex worker was murdered. The equivalent does not and has never existed the other way around. Men make up the majority of users of online porn too, and buyers of in person sexual services.

Nah, that's semantics and if you were on the receiving end of that language you'd be furious.

Talk to your partner. Lieing is always a problem. This would not be a "white lie" by anyone's measure.

Be honest with your DP……you live with him and secrets have a habit of coming out eventually.

I do want to attend for my friends hen, it sounds fun, I’ve just got to come to terms with not telling DP. I guess it’s only a white lie, and he’ll be none the wiser as he isn’t on social media (not that I expect there to be many images from this event).

As long as you agree that if he went to strip club and didn't tell you that would be OK too because he wouldn't be lying.

Can see the argument now.

DH "So I've heard you went to the Massive Mike show and it was a lot less tame than they thought it would be. I'm really upset after the talk that we had had that talk about Dave's stag do and how even setting foot in the lapdancing club was a redline for you given your body hang ups and political views on exploitation"

OP "Yes but its different, because.....well......power imbalance! You'll look at the young slim girl with great boobs and want to have sex with them more than me, but I was just laughing and cheering the chiselled jawed 6 foot and 6 packed 8 inch hung man in an ironic way"

Sorry mate, doesn't wash.

If he went and you wouldn’t find out you would be angry. You would feel lied to.

It’s ok for you to go but not him because you’ve got issues with your body confidence?

And you are prepared to lie?

He needs to LTB

You really need to have a conversation. "Hey, this hen do I was going to go to has this event planned. It's in a club, has a male stripper act. Obviously I know I've always told you that you going to a strip club is a deal breaker for me. How do you feel about me going to this?"

If you wouldn't be comfortable with him going to a similar event you shouldn't be going. If you think would be OK for you to go to this event, you really need to have an honest conversation with yourself about why you dont think its a big deal for you but is for him and whether you're being fair.

Super weird after all the comments that you still seem set on lying to your so called partner about it.

whether he’s likely to find out or not is irrelevant.

I don’t think red light districts of women walking around are a thing at all now - certainly all the ones I knew of have all disappeared. Now everything has moved online, including sex work. So I’m not sure anything you have said is more than imagined or hypothetical again.

I am certain there are a lot of straight women paying for something like onlyfans, for example. I am sure the demand is actually there.

I also agree with this. Not saying you should go, but I think it is a bit different, not only due to the structural disparities around men and women but if this is a 'Magic Mike' style ticketed show, that's not really quite the same as a seedy strip club with options for lap/private dances etc... just discuss it with your husband I'd say, he might well agree.

Well I've already googled it, and it seems they don't really exist as a thing, beyond your chippendales type 'show' or your strippogram, which is exactly as I expected. There might be a handful in existence I suppose, but they are certainly not commonplace.

This should be no great surprise to anyone, because male prostitutes servicing a solely female client base are very, very rare compared to the numbers of female prostitutes servicing men. There just isn't the demand. And red light districts with scantily clad men on heroin walking the streets while women prowl around in cars hoping for some cunnilingus for 20 quid? Also not much of a thing.

The thing is, male strippers are almost more like comedy than sex. I wouldn't want to go to a show because I wouldn't enjoy it, I'd just find it awkward and silly and I don't tend to fancy those kind of beefcake guys anyway. s=So I agree with those who say go along ti the whole thing but don't go to the strippers if it makes you uncomfortable.

The problem here is that you are conducting a marriage, not some societal debate on power imbalance among strippers. People making that argument do have a point, but I can't see that appeasing her husband after she's banned him but up for a bit of willy waving herself.