Moral dilemma - hen do

Do you want to go? you don't mention in your OP.

If you do want to go, then speak to your DP - for all you know he might not care less despite you telling him you wouldn't be happy if he went.

If you don't want to go, then you opt out of the hen do and if you don't feel comfortable explaining why then make up at excuse.

FWIW I've avoided more than one hen because of butlers in the buff, magic mike and strippers. It's not my cup of tea so to speak.

Is it like Magic Mike kind of performance? It’s very different to watch a show vs go to a lap dancing/strip club. I would tell him and just take it on the chin (not literally)

YABU because you're trying to validate it for yourself but it's not ok if it was the other way round. Double standards.

Such a weird and pointless lie

I wouldn't go but I might try to meet them for dinner and drinks before or after?

I don't think it's the same as women's strip clubs for obvious reasons, but it's so unbelievably cringey I know I wouldn't be able to sit through it!

Just say you know the stripper or you're related to him and so it would be weird for you to go.

If you don't want him staring at naked women then it's hypocritical for you to go to an event and stare at naked men. I don't go along with all the 'it's different because the women are being exploited' stuff. I remember a colleague going to a male stripper event and truthfully the women were behaving like animals from her account.

Isn't there a middle ground? Talk to your husband honestly and work through it together?

But for me - I wouldn't want to be there anyway, not because of some agreement (my husband went to a strip club for a stag thing and I didn't care), but because that atmosphere would be the last thing I'd want. So personally I'd decline regardless of anyone else's feelings.

Mostly I don't think he has a vote, but since you set a standard that you vote on each other's social engagements than I would never lie about it.

It’s not my scene at all and I’d just say so and not go.

Definitely don't keep it a secret. No doubt someone will be taking photos or recording it and your DH would be likely to see these at some point.

To me the logical thing (if you do actually want to go) is to say to your DH what the hen do involves and then be respectful of what he thinks too. But if you know you wouldn't want him doing a similar activity then I think you should be unavailable that day and perhaps if a close friend have drinks with the hen another time.

I would go to the hen but not to that part. I wouldn't want to see strippers even if I was single, but I don't think you can say you're uncomfortable with your husband going and then lie and go to one yourself. Id be more worried about your marriage than possible slight awkwardness of telling a friend you are going to skip something that sits outside your values.

I would decline due to the activity being so distasteful.
I would say that too.
You might find that you are not the only one feeling uncomfortable.

Will the bride also find it vomit worthy?
Aren't there other fun things to do?
Perhaps you could organise another activity for those who want to miss the strip show.

The hens who are looking forward to it will not miss you; they will be focussing on other things.

If you don't want to go to the stripper show, you don't have to go to the stripper show. If you don't want to go to the stripper show because your husband doesn't want you to go to the stripper show, that's where we have a problem. If you don't want to go to the stripper show only because you don't want your husband to go to a stripper show, has this quandary made you think about why you don't want your husband to go - is it a question of trust or is it the potential exploitation of strippers?

I don't agree with horse racing so I don't go to the races. One of our friendship groups arranges days out at the races all dressed up every couple of years and we just say "no thank you" and don't go. It's ok to not do things that you don't agree with.

If I was invited on a hen do which was a weekend away but included a day at the races I'd go to whichever bits of the weekend didn't involve the races, and do something else on that day or prep a meal at the house or something. If it was just a day trip I wouldn't go at all.

I've been at a hen at someone's home where they had a stripper and me and another girl just went into another room because it gave me the ick, we had a nice drink, a laugh and a chat and joined everyone after, they didn't notice we'd slipped out.

Just don't go to that part.

Of course, male strippers are very different to female. It's 'a laugh' (personally not sure why) rather than a sexy experience. I'm pretty sure women aren't masturbating after seeing a male stripper, but strip clubs provide private rooms for just this purpose. It's as much about the power balance as anything.

Did you watch the Gavin and Stacey finale? The male stripper scene in that is fascinating. It's the only scene in the whole thing where Smithy's fiance is not shown to be unreasonable.

This. I wouldn't make any secret of what I thought on the WhatsApp, either. There are almost certainly others on there who aren't keen. It's a grotesque idea.

If it’s the Magic Mike show, that’s really not the same as attending a strip club where girls are half or fully nude and offering extras in the back. it’s a theatre/dance show. Yes they are scantily clad at times but they are professional dancers, not sex workers.

if it’s that big a deal though then like others have said just go for the meal/drinks before and skip that part. It’s not that difficult!

100% agree.
It would be a red line for me if a partner went to watch strippers so I wouldn't be a hypocrite and attend myself. If she's that good a friend, she should understand. It may be "different" to women stripping but that's really not the point. You put yourself in a very weak position if you attend. Do the right thing.

I didn't attend a strip club on a hen do, not because of my DH, but because I am morally against it and also find it disturbing. I do not want to look at random willies or butt cheeks flying around. I absolutely would not lie about it. Either you are against strip clubs or you aren't.

I'd skip the stripper bit anyway because I honestly can't think of a worse way - atrocities obviously excluded - to spend my social time

Just don’t go. It’s clearly the main event if the hen is just the 1 day. And if you’re opposed to strippers you’re opposed to strippers. Unless it’s hyper local and it would be realistic to be ‘busy’ earlier but join them in town for a drink afterwards?

I wouldn't go personally. There's nothing fun, empowering or sauce for the goose about a bunch of women kneeling at the feet of and fawning over a guy who likely despises them. If thats what floats your boat, there's plenty of men who'd oblige for free so God knows why women think they have to pay for it.
I'd hope the logistics of the night would mean I could miss that part out. But if not I'd not be able to go.

I would tell the group I’ll be skipping that part of the day and explain why - that I think a stripper (male or female) is tacky and inappropriate.
A friend of mine had a hen do with a ‘butler in the buff’, who wants naked men’s body parts near their food, yuk.
But I wouldn’t want to watch someone take their clothes off because they need the money.

I wouldn't be "not mentioning" this part to my DH or excusing it as being "OK" for male strippers but not female. I'd quietly excuse myself from this part of the day, maybe sending a private message to the organiser to say not to book me a ticket and happily find a nice cafe/bar/shop/alternative show to occupy myself with for those couple of hours.

It's fine for you to opt out of this part of the hen do and still celebrate with your friend. I wouldn't go to a strip show as I would be uncomfortable with it and it doesn't align with my values. If that's how you feel, just say you don't want to go to that part of the hen do.

If you do decide to go, lying about it would make it a much bigger problem. The sensible thing to do would be to tell him your dilemma and talk it through.

Even though the thread is overwhelmingly in favour of you not attending and not lying to your DH, there will be some really annoying posters who can't read along any moment to bleat tediously about double standards and how Mumsnet is oh so hypocritical and imagine if the genders were reversed blah blah. They won't bother to so much as skim the thread to see that basically no one thinks you should lie and go to the strip show, just like they wouldn't think it the other way around either.

I disagree. She doesn't want her male husband to watch naked women. So she shouldn't expect him to be happy with her watching naked men. It's that simple.