To find that there is a great deal of naivety on here

I dont see so many of the "my DH would never"

But I see a lot of the "if DH did...." I'd leave and also accusations against women for being toxic or abusive becuase they lost their temper.

I don't lose my temper often but when I do I can really go. I don't think that makes me toxic or that I need to leave DP because of the one off thing he did that caused it. Obviously it would be better if neither ever happened, but RL is not like that.

The stupidity of running down age gap relationships too.
They've obviously not experienced a good one , or one at all, and are so blind they can't see that relationships/marriages by between people of the same age are breaking up all the time.
It's down to the individuals not the age.

I agree. I'd rather take people at face value and assume they're decent and reliable than go through life worried my dh is going to screw me over.

Yeah. Even the ones who find sex menus for stag dos won’t admit it to themselves 😂

Agree.

The number is posts where the DH leaves and it’s clear there is another woman but the OP denies it as either her husband isn’t the type or he doesn’t have the time. Usually the DH is having a “mental health” crisis or suddenly didn’t love her for “ages”.

Then later comes back to update that there was indeed an OW.

I don't know - I think often, and it's sometimes clumsily expressed - it's that when the details of the story emerge, the transgression in question has turned out to have come after a string of red flags and problematic behaviour. On hearing it unfold, very few people are then surprised that the OP's DP has done whatever it is.

I could never say 'never' in terms of my DH cheating because that would be naive, but what I can say is that the chances are pretty small because I can objectively confirm that there is a real absence of gateway behaviours or red flags (been there, done that, am incredibly low tolerance!)

My late husband was very much in the same mould as @steppemum Honesty and integrity. Never once took anything he wasn’t entitled to or cheated anyone. It simply wasn’t in his nature. He never cheated on me for 41 years and I’ve no reason to think he ever would have done.

He was a SAHP for nine years, and I saw school mums flirting outrageously with him. He thought it was ridiculous. We never had “rows” either. We disagreed, sometimes vehemently, but we respected each other and worked it out.

He left stag parties early when they headed for strip clubs, and got mercilessly robbed for it. Didn’t care. So yeah, they’re not all like that, you just got a substandard one.

Is it naivity? Surely it's a combination of love , trust, hope and self preservation.

Yes, but as a pp said, they're usually responding to an OP describing some awful marital situation and asking 'Is this normal?'

What if you had a health scare and they said you need to get fit. And you decided to start running?
Things could change, don’t you think?

I agree. I wouldn’t ever say “I know 100% that DH would never cheat on me”. I wouldn’t even claim to know 100% that I’d never cheat on him!
But I’d still be shocked if he did. I don’t think that makes me a naive idiot. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone where I wouldn’t be shocked if they cheated.

But on the other hand when you know someone well, you know their character.
There are certain things that I know my dh feels very strongly about. Honesty and integrity for example. He is the sort of person who would never ever fill in a tax form wrong or try and 'get away with' something illegal. It is a very deeply ingrained value in him.

This is my DH too. He is conscientious, responsible and honest to a fault. We’ve been married 35 years and I honestly believe he has been faithful to me.

There is a huge amount of privilege and “not my Nigel” on here. Worst is, a lot of people don’t recognise their own privilege. I’ve seen many, many smug posts from people saying they made sure to pick the right man from the start. As if those of us who are divorced are a bit dim and knew that the men we chose to marry would be rubbish husbands and fathers.

I just feel there’s a general naivety that it could never happen to them, and the smug holier than thou replies do nothing to help the OP’s.

I missed this when I read your OP the first time. I completely agree. This is not the time or the place

Completely agree. We'd been together 15 years and had 3 children when my husband had an affair (& left in the middle of lockdown). Not me or a single person in our family/social circle would have expected not only the affair, but the way he's behaved towards our children since. He was the best day, super involved and forever adjusting his work schedule etc to accommodate our daughters gymnastics which took us all over the place.

Obviously there are exceptions, but I imagine most people don't create families/lives with people they expect to mistreat them down the line.

But in any case, I think sleeping with someone else is far more forgivable than much of the stuff that's regarded as normal on Mn -- not doing a full share of household chores and child-related stuff, not communicating like an adult, not being permanently absent on a gaming console, not going to strip clubs, drinking themselves into a stupor, not supporting their spouse's career, etc etc.

I agree, I am always surprised at the low level of behaved demostrated by most men, and that women put up with it.
I got married at 32. I would have rather stay single than marry a man who was like this.

So how would our male partners be naive about us women?

DH has always said he couldn’t have an affair because he can barely manage one women let alone two. No declarations of undying love or any such thing plus he gets stuff mixed up so would be shit at attempting to hide it. I mean my main worry would be my reaction. My friend was very dignified and to be admired I worry I would be behaving in a most undignified manner. When people on here are saying find your anger, that would not be a problem I’m not especially an angry woman but I am forthright and think sadness would be the least of it for me. Worry I would go a bit Old Testament.

Its understandable to trust the people you love and to feel that you truly know them. Doesn't mean you're right, just that it's normal.

That said, saying it at the wrong time (like when someone else is going through shit with their partner) just makes you look like a dick.

They're really not, you know. I'm not talking about affairs. No one's relationship is infidelity-proof, and I'm fine with that. But in any case, I think sleeping with someone else is far more forgivable than much of the stuff that's regarded as normal on Mn -- not doing a full share of household chores and child-related stuff, not communicating like an adult, not being permanently absent on a gaming console, not going to strip clubs, drinking themselves into a stupor, not supporting their spouse's career, etc etc.

I married someone I could be very sure wasn't like that, because I'd been in a relationship with him since our student days, and had ample opportunity to see exactly how he worked. I've known him since 1992. I'm certain there are hidden aspects to him that I've not seen, because everyone has them, and there are absolutely things about him I find challenging, but he' s a decent person, a good friend, a good son, a good husband, an excellent cook, a fun companion, an incorrigible optimist, and a lovely dad.

I see where you are coming from and sort of agree. No one can ever say he wouldn't do that or my dh would never do that. Anyone is possible of doing anythign really.

But on the other hand when you know someone well, you know their character.
There are certain things that I know my dh feels very strongly about. Honesty and integrity for example. He is the sort of person who would never ever fill in a tax form wrong or try and 'get away with' something illegal. It is a very deeply ingrained value in him.

So it is less about he wouldn't cheat on me, and more about he would need a personality transplant to do certain things.

I see the same with wider family. I can see that certain people hold certain values differently. I predicted who would cheat, and he is now twice divorced.

But if you trust your DH and have been with them for years then it's not naive or unbelievable to believe they wouldn't do something completely disrespectful to you. It's just normal surely?

I certainly trusted and believed in my DH - until I didn't. Why would anyone go through life believing that their DH will probably cheat on them or treat them like shit at some point?

This is just another of example of people wanting to demonstrate how superior they are over those naive and silly 'not my nigel' types, how much cleverer they are and how they would have seen it all coming if it was them.

YANBU. I say that as someone who at one time would literally have bet my life that my DH would never ever cheat, he was the last person in the world who would, he’s just not the type, he hasn’t got it in him, I’d be able to tell, I can read him like a book etc. Until the day I discovered he’d been having an affair for four years with a work colleague.

My ex was very hands-on dad. I used to work evenings so he'd come home from work and do the bath and bedtime etc. I went back to work when my youngest was 6 weeks old so he was a very involved parent. All my friends were very jealous about how much time he spent parenting
When we split up he continued to see our youngest and gave me child support for the youngest which he stopped the week she turned 18. He didn't give me any financial support for my eldest who was just about to go to uni even though I had her home for 22 weeks of the year for the 4 years she was at uni
He hardly sees his grandchildren now. They call my husband Granddad not him. He sees our kids maybe 3 or 4 times a year even though he only lives a few miles from them.
All my friends are gobsmacked at how he behaved. You just never know .....

That podcast is fascinating. I’m equally gobsmacked by the naïveté of some of the OWs though, like the one whose affair partner’s wife got pregnant twice over the course of the affair even though he’d spun her the usual spiel about his wife not understanding him.