To find that there is a great deal of naivety on here

How can you say that that’s naivety though? Maybe their DH would never do/say that. You don’t know the man…

Its trusting someone… not naivety.

Sadly forced to agree since I recently read a thread in which women found out her husband squeezed the last tea out of tea bag with his fingers. I didn't post but I thought my husband doesn't do that... Oh how wrong I was. How we've been married 15 years and I never knew I do not know!

I know a woman this "happened" to, and one of the children was always ill meaning he had to keep sleeping at his "ex's" house.

Intelligent successful woman with a really good career.

Yes! I laughed out loud at times. The one where she was shocked that his wife was pregnant a second time, like the guy was cheating on her, the mistress, with his own wife. The absolute stupidity to think he wouldn't be sleeping with his wife. It's really unintentionally funny at times.

Agree with this.

People have posted things here and when you ask them more questions you frequently arrive at the opinion that what happened was a foregone conclusion.

I do think people ignore emotional investment though.

When you don’t love the person it’s easy to be objective and see trash for what it is.

I agree and also think it's not helpful when people are so judgemental about women who stay with unfaithful husbands. Life is complicated. I have relatives and friends who stayed with their husbands after the men were unfaithful. The last thing these women needed at a difficult time of their lives was so-called friends judging them, yet this happened.

Is it naievity or objectivity / honesty regarding the extent to which men shows signs of their true selves fairly early and we just ignore it.

To be fair, most of the posts are either faux, or faux naive.

Yes, I always presume those posters are just coming on here to brag or to show off their pretend perfect fake lives. I dont think anyone can guarantee 100% to know what someone else would do because I have seen people act hugely out of character given the right circumstances.

That said, I equally dont like the assumption that every else's husband must be some gross scummy pervert just because the OP's husband is and if he isnt then you must be lying.

Eg My DH has never sworn at me or shouted at me ever during our 22 year marriage (despite the what the earlier posts say)- he just hasn't. I am not lying or bragging about it, its never happened and I am not going to pretend that being sworn at is a universal experience that all women have to put up with in order to keep a man. So yeah, it goes both ways I think.

I doubt I will have another partner if my (12 years older) DH dies before me, but that's not because he's awful - it's because he's sensible and adult. I don't see another man living up to that.

Some of us DO have decent men. Decent men DO exist.
I have never in my life seen such utter misandry as on this site.

It's a reference to another thread where a wife read an email sent to her husband from a joint best man (her DH was the other) of her husbands friend's wedding, it basically had a price list for strip club entry and massage parlour entry plus a list of abbreviations with prices next to them which were referring to sex acts (the sex menu) The OP believed her DH when he said that he didn't know the guy very well and that he wouldn't be going to any of those things

I'd go even further... there are some pps on here saying they'd never cheat. I don't think one can even be sure of that. I think familiarity, closeness, seeing someone often, maybe having a shared aim or project, being in an adrenaline situation...all these things can switch on romantic feelings in humans and that's part of human nature. That's why affairs are often between colleagues, particularly ones who work long hours or away from home etc. I think it's pretty understandable really.

The best we can do to prevent ourselves from cheating (we're not responsible for our husbands' cheating) is try and maintain the closeness with our spouse so that we don't end up closer to someone else. I don't think many people can be absolutely sure they'd never be tempted ever.

@FancyBiscuitsLevel

A lot of women have very low standards, convince themselves that all men are like that and then it’s not much of a step to the properly shit behaviour.

This post totally proves the OP's point (and with a nice side-helping of victim blaming).

First, being cheated on is nothing to do with "standards". Cheats don't come with a bar code on their forehead that you can scan to tell you they're a wrong'un. No one is saying all men are like that. But clearly a proportion of them are, or we wouldn't be having this discussion, and the point is its not always easy to tell the difference. You can convince yourself you've picked the right Nigel and maybe you have.

But the point is you can't ever know for sure. At best you can make a rational, educated guess based on personality and past behaviour and hope that it's right. But the definition of an unexpected event is that it's, well, unexpected. So it's just that, a guess. And thinking you have more certainty over the next woman doesn't make you better or give you any excuse to crow about "standards".

I don’t know if it’s fair to say it’s just naivety.. sometimes it is, sometimes it combines with smugness, sometimes either fear, sometimes with just a very positive outlook…or all of those combined.

When I got married I was already mid-thirties. Had been very much in love with my husband, thought of him as one of the good guys etc. As far as I can tell he hasn’t physically cheated but he’s done far worse (in my opinion). As a for instance, his year long dawning over a close friend. I lost it with him recently and said no more. Practicalities wore me down. But I’d rather he’d just shagged her and left or whatever.

I used to think my very rule/ following nature (I am not a people-pleaser just very prone to not being “in trouble” (the thought makes me feel sick) - so guess what my childhood was like) meant that I would never cheat. I still think I wouldn’t but now I know it’s not from trust, love or even loyalty. It’s just because I wouldn’t upend my child’s life (or another person’s marriage). Or at least I THINK that. I don’t know for certain that something wouldn’t change me enough to decide for example life is short/I’ll be dead a long time or whatever flips someone into inappropriate situations.

As I have a severely disabled child (she’s brilliant btw) I tend to think it’s a bit like disability and why it makes people uncomfortable.. we know deep down it’s not impossible, however unlikely, that someone we think we know could do something we don’t want to think they could do.

I agree that an affair is a lot more forgivable than some of the stuff on here.

Certain things like domestic violence, hitting the children, or (ab)using prostitutes, are totally unforgivable for me because they're inhumane. A man who does those things is not a good man, he's more like a monster.

But having a consensual affair with (say) a colleague who he's with all the time, the closeness crept up on them gradually... it's not inhumane in the same way. I think that person could be basically a nice person, maybe selfish and thoughtless.

And yet I know several women who'd forgive those first things but not the affair.

Edit to add - and I know "my Nigel" wouldn't do those first things. Any Nigel could do the affair though imo.

I do think the “all men are like this” posts are actually really unhealthy and unhelpful. It gives the strong message, not just to the poster but others reading - that the choice is between a shit man or being single. The option of “dump the shit man and find a good one” is gone if you keep repeating that all men are equally bad.

Often I read posts and think, “I’d have never got as far as marrying this man” and then I realise this woman has pushed past all the warning signs this is a shit man because she’s normalised poor behaviour.

Not all adults cheat, even if they are offered easy sex with someone they find attractive/interesting. Some will.

Absolutely this!

You can trust someone without being naive enough to think that nothing will ever go wrong in the relationship.

But for me it’s not about not trusting your partner.

I would never be in a relationship with someone I don’t trust.

But it’s understanding that neither of you are robots and life throws challenges at you.

Some of these challenges could result in someone leaving, being unfaithful or becoming abusive.

a lot of emotion on Mumsnet is unnecessarily deep. Life isn't that deep. We're just biological space accidents on a weird planet 😬

You get more balanced views on other forums. Also a lot of Mumsnet is AI. I think I've accidentally replied to a few AI posts this week and it's embarrassing when you realise.

You can see many people live in tiny bubbles and don't really spend much time with other people face to face.

(e.g there was a thread a few days ago by a person who had decided that she no longer likes going out to nightclubs. And she was making the thread unnecessarily emotional and heavy. Fact is, people change, tastes change, hobbies change. It isn't that deep!!)

This. I'm always amazed at the threads where the woman's like 'Ive been married to this dickhead for years and put up with x, y, z. Now he's been unfaithful so I'm going to leave him.' 🤯

I think there are two types of trust. There’s “No way in the world would this person ever do such a thing and I believe that 100%”, and there’s “I don’t think this person would do that, and I’ll give them the benefit of my trust and hope they don’t break it”.

They’re both ‘trust’, but very different. I’m firmly in the second camp now.

If someone didn't trust their partner and said oh you never know he might run off with a woman from work / my best friend / a woman he meets down the pub. She would be told she had issues she needs to work on and counselling would be suggested.

I particularly think about this when we’re talking about societal misogyny. The people who say that their partner or their son would never participate or even collude with the “lad culture” and would always call out other men. They wouldn’t and don’t.

Well if marriage is about trust then what’s the problem with some posters thinking their husbands will never do X, Y or Z? Some of them will be right after all. Not all men are chancers.