To find that there is a great deal of naivety on here

An eye for an eye and so on

I agree. I don’t trust people due to past trauma. All the people saying oh that would never happen to me. I would say it could happen to you there’s no reason it only happens to certain people.

I for example had parents who had a terrible divorce due to my father having a second family
the consequences of all of this over the next 40 years of all of this means I’m now LC with parents nc with everyone else
i had one boyfriend beat me to a pulp as a teenager, from nowhere no warning whatsoever
i was attacked and raped by a stranger, once again as a teen. This could sadly happen to anyone at anytime
I was then groomed and In a coercive and very very violent relationship for a decade (gave me ptsd)

(all of the above may have been avoidable if my parents had given a dam)

after all of that
brought my DC up as a lone parent very hard
i have been homeless
I have moved house 20 times, finally have a permanent address
i have been made redundant twice
I have had a nervous breakdown and now have ongoing MH problems
i had to have major surgery in my 30s and now have a physical disability
i have had other partners cheat on me and completely let me down

thats the worst bits and I’m only in my 50s. Currently my long term DP and I are not getting on. He was everything to me as finally I could be me and trust someone and then it’s all changed in the last couple of years after 20years together. I am really struggling.

so as to everyone saying oh that world never happen , nobody ever knows or can tell. The only person you can rely on is yourself, and if you develop a MH illness as I have suffered from for a while that’s not even true .

Thanks @Snowhailrainsuni see what you are saying

Think about who makes money from the site. Clicks generate money through advertising…
Certain topics are guaranteed to generate froth. Troll hunting is frowned upon so those threads run and run. I wouldn’t like to say who exactly might be starting them, but I would imagine it might be part of their job. Ever noticed how the same post seems to appear again and again?
Then there’s the bots and overseas entities who maybe have an interest in pushing a specific agenda. Currently leaning to the right, perhaps.
I’m sure you’ll work it out…

What are the point of the clickbait posts, please?

I think I do see some of them, I just wonder what the motivation is?

it’s not like social media where posters get paid when people interact with post….so why do they do it on here?

and @Jayeu Yes, a lot of naivety.

The posters who would leave their husbands at the drop of a hat if he so much as went to a strip club etc.

Everything is more nuanced.

I’m not a man hater by any means, and I’m not an apologist for bad male behavior….but I think you can’t ignore biology and the impact of testosterone etc. A lot of things about men (my husband) I don’t like, but short of marrying a eunuch or becoming a lesbian, I just have to accept some of them.

My husband watches porn. He’s discreet, but I’ve seen his browsing history. Nothing “extreme” just women. He likes looking at women’s bodies and genitals In a way that I certainly wouldn’t find it appealing to look at a strange man’s genitals…..but he’s a red blooded male, as much as I don’t particularly like it, I don’t see the point in fighting biology about that. Would I prefer it if he didnt get turned on my looking at vaginas? Well no, I don’t think I would.

Many years ago we had a very dry spell (no sex or intimacy for many years following the birth of our first child closely followed by twins). It was a very rough time, lots of resentment on both sides, and he ended up sexting an ex girlfriend.

I posted on here at the time (several years ago, under a different username) and the consensus was “leave the bastard”. These posters husbands would never look at porn or be attracted to another woman and would never be tempted by attention elsewhere even when hadn’t had sex for years.

Breaking up a family and ending a marriage over the exchange of some messages and photos. I found all the comments very overwhelming.

On another website, I posted on the divorce / separation forum, and the advice was much more measured.

What my husband did was not good. But we cleared the air and once we were back on track and my sex life returned, I began to see what the constant rejection for so many years must have felt like to him. And the sexual frustration.

In hindsight, I should never have let things get to that stage. I’m not excusing his behaviour but I can understand it.

And I have to say, I found the vast majority of the posters at that time very unhelpful. They just sounded so naive and blindly loyal and picture perfect. There were none of the more balanced, nuanced replies from the wise mumsnetters that I often see on here, which was a shame.

I actually understand this one. Not them complaining about him being useless when he has aways been useless.

But I completely understand wanting all your kids for one person and not having to deal with multiple fathers (or mothers.)

Yes, the complete change in them after knowing them so well for years also takes you by surprise. As I went through it and read things online I learnt about “the script” and it’s crazy how common it is.
It ended up happening to someone close to me, completely out the blue got the “I don’t love you anymore” line and I immediately (and gently!) prepared them that there will be someone else. But they were insistent that they won’t have cheated, they’re depressed, it’s because of xyz. Several months later, it was discovered that they had indeed had someone else from work. It’s understandable as if you’ve spent years with someone you completely trust and are happy with, you wouldn’t have any knowledge of “the script” until it happens to you.

One of the most common things women say after discovery day is, "It's like he's turned into an alien." Part of this is that they would never have believed that he could cheat. But mostly it's because he's following the Script and has turned from a previously loving, mild, moral, and apparently decent man into a history-rewriting, angry, blaming, lying, mean freak.

So yes, an H cheating on you - could happen to anyone.

There was definitely no red flags when it happened to me, and that made me more naive. I thought cheating only happened in other people’s relationships where it wasn’t a shock when they cheated because he’d always been a bit of an arse anyway. So that’s really changed my views to make me realise that it can and does happen to anyone.

I agree with this. It's easy to say 'there's always red flags', but I don't think there are, or at least, not so visibly. If they are a bad, horrible, abusive person, with a history of sexual incontinence, yes, but that's not most of my friends' husbands who have cheated; they are usually fairly normal but weak men. A past history of cheating is a good indicator of future likelihood, but often that only comes out afterwards.

That said, I don't ever say 'not my Nigel' because I don't think you ever truly know another person, and it's silly of family and friends to think any man is saintly or perfect or would never cheat, it's pretty common behaviour.

Agree with this. I think some women have a bullshit-o-meter more sensitive to others. That's not a virtue, it's sadly just, historically, how women are socialised to think and behave.

I agree people can be blindsided by the unearthing of behaviour/an incident. Absolutely. I do, however, think that 99.9% of the time there have been red flags which have been ignored or deliberately swept under the rug.

So only the layabouts cheat?

It seems to be the consensus here that if you’ve been in a relationship with a cheat they must have been the type that didn’t do their share of the housework or child-rearing; letched after women in the street and all your friends; they were abusive and shouty and just generally horrible men. Either that or they cheated because they weren’t getting enough sex in the marriage. And if you were cheated on, it must be your own fault for having married such an obviously deficient husband.

Believe me, my ex was perfect on paper. Hardly a day went by when i wasn’t told how lucky I was to have him. My family called him “Saint Michael”.

People like to console themselves with these incorrect views because it makes them feel safer.

This one always gets me too, but in a more sad way for the children.

If your DH is useless with your first child, don't keep having more and more kids then act shocked pikachu when he doesn't suddenly step up during even more stress. At a certain point you know what kind of father you're saddling your children with and continuing to produce more kids with a feckless dad is unfair on the children.

The posters who say just had 3rd baby and DH is off out golfing won’t help me, is asked what was he like before? he’s never done much!! yet you continue to produce children with this lazy useless lump!

I think it's possible to have a pretty good idea of whether your partner is someone who would cheat or visit a lapdancing club. You can't be entirely certain, but you can definitely know someone well enough to assess that it's unlikely.

However, what is naive is to extrapolate from the above that your partner also never looks at or notices attractive women, only ever thinks about you when he has a wank, is only attracted to women his own age, and has never had a single impure thought about the body of a woman who walks past him wearing a bikini on holiday. I've seen all these claims on Mumsnet. It's laughably ridiculous to imagine that this could possibly be true, and if it is, you have married some sort of weird AI android who is not in fact an actual human man. Also I don't care how vehemently you claim your husband has never watched porn because I can assure you he absolutely has.

I work in HR and therefore find out about lots of disciplinaries. There are tons involving men acting inappropriately to female colleagues. Pretty much always the men are married. I’m sure they don’t tell their wives what they’ve been caught doing (probably even if they’re sacked as a result) but it doesn’t mean it’s not really common to happen.

@LughLongArm

I hope you never have to
come back here and create a new post in a difficult situation, or re-read this shitty one.

I think various scenarios have a ring of truth.

Sometimes the person clearly has a history or behavioural red flags that make you suspect they are the unfaithful type. One of my friends' husbands had a slimy manner and was attempting to start up flirting with me when I met him, he ran off with someone else about six months later, he was clearly on the lookout. Also, see people who start off as OW, know their partner has dodgy ways from early on (texting OW, use of websites, sex workers, history of affairs) and just plough on hoping for the best.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour and this is true for this group.

It's also true that some men and women are just pretty rock solid and even if someone jumped on top of them, they'd still politely fail to acknowledge this and then just keep going. I think if you've been with someone for 30 years and they are very much the staying-in, not-going-anywhere type who hasn't given you any pause for thought all that time, the chances are that will continue.

Then there's everyone else, in which I include myself, where we prioritise honesty, good values, disapprove of cheating and generally are the faithful types but can get knocked off course sometimes, either by a strong connection, opportunity or something like a bereavement, or mid-life crisis. I think most people are in this category, including the women I know. Drink also plays a part in this quite often, as does going away. People who aren't late night drinkers do better, as do people who understand others and will actively avoid temptation. Some people are a bit stupid on purpose or accidentally about this and will plough on as 'just good friends' until they aren't.

Totally agree. I’m a bloke and I’ve never ever cheated on any girlfriend or my late wife. I was cheated on once. Of my male friends a couple have cheated, the vast majority never have. I probably know more women who’ve cheated than men, although I’ve never sat down to work it out.

Now that doesn’t gaurantee I never will 100%, who knows how life will go? But it’s not naive to trust people. It’s how relationships should be or what is the point?

I think people respond to the post. Quite a lot of people to ask whether other peoples husbands or partners do something. And quite often it’s a useful check on someone’s behaviour. A kind of is this normal.

This was 100% me.

It’s been so disheartening to see just how common this is and how predictable it becomes after reading just a few lines.

I didn’t believe mine had cheated until i got diagnosed with an STD a few months after he left. Even then I asked my doctor if it was possible it was something I’d had before we’d met 10 years earlier and had just lain dormant, because of course he wouldn’t have cheated. The kind-but-pitying look she gave me…

I don't really agree. People love to say that there was no way of knowing, it's always the ones you least suspect, etc. - but this has just not been my experience. I could have told you with 100% accuracy which of my friends' husbands turned out to be crap at pulling their weight with childcare. I was utterly unsurprised when a couple I knew split up due to his affair recently - he was really slimy. To give a more extreme example: I have, horribly, known two men convicted of possessing child porn - both gave off really creepy vibes. I just don't think it is as unpredictable as people say, I just think people don't want to see/acknowledge many of the signs because they can look positive from one perspective. E.g. one of the biggest red flags in friends' partners has been the ones who made big romantic gestures while dating - the friend always thought at the time this guy must be Prince Charming, always turned out he had Prince Charming's views on gender roles, too.

I think men's sexuality (and some womens, although less so) is such that an attractive, available, easily accessible shag will send them over the edge into infidelity.

this is just plain misandry.
It assumes that no men have the ability to choose to say no to something that doesn't fit their values.

I actually feel sorry for people who only know men like this.