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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family dynamics

64 replies

BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 03:29

Im a single mum but saw a restaraunt had opened that is more expensive than i would usually pay for a meal out. I would need to save to go but i mentioned it to my mum that it would be nice to go for a celebration ie my kids birthday or another milestone like completing school etc. She looked the place up online and said she would love to go.

Her and my brother live together and i never invite one without the other, it just goes without saying. When i invite them, it usually ends up in us not going at all because they cant commit, but want to go, so i feel like i have to wait for a time they can go which then may never happen and often my kids lose out. If i dont invite, and me and my kids go, i usually get the 'i could have done with a day out, i never get out anywhere' card.

Heres where i feel like i need to ask AIBU, because my feelings are pretty hurt here. A few days ago, i phoned my mum and she told me her and my brother have been to that restaraunt, twice. No invite for us but she did ask if shed upset me and all i could say was you are entitled to go out and do what you like. I had to listen to how amazing it was and what was on the menu. She kept saying have i upset you and all i could do was say no even though i am upset by this. I did remind her i had planned to go and she hit me back with, could i have afforded to go? Which no, not on the spurr of the moment so i dont know if my feelings are valid here.

For context, i invited them on holiday last summer and they couldnt commit so i went ahead and booked for me and the kids. I got told they were upset by this. Ive asked them again this year and theyve given excuses why they cant make it which are reasonable, so it means i have not booked as i dont want to upset anyone.

They still want to go for the meal when its my sons birthday but im seriously thinking about taking just the kids. I invite them to every birthday and celebration but never get invited to my brothers. The family dynamics here are hurtful.

AIBU for feeling the way i do?

OP posts:
PollyBell · 14/04/2026 04:22

BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 04:17

I have no issues with my mum and brother going out together, they regularly do but we'd discussed this for my sons stand down or his birthday meal which are only weeks apart. They agreed to it and im so looking forward to it, we've kept talking about it. If i go out with my kids, its very different. Im made to feel guilty.

Show quote history

You are not made to do anything you choose to feel guilty, your feelings are under your own control, you seem to keep choosing to keep this up, it is up to you to stop it

Original poster
BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 04:17

IWasTangoed · 14/04/2026 03:55

This all sounds a bit unhealthy and dependent. You don't live with your mum and have your own kids, you are entitled to go anywhere without inviting them and without feeling guilt. They are too so you shouldn't feel bad they went without you.

You need to reframe your thinking and perhaps ask why there is hurt on both sides if one group goes out without the other (which is completely normal) It might be never growing out of old family patterns and creating an independent, adult relationship with your mum and her with you.

I'd say begin to do your own thing more e.g. those holidays. You'll get pushback (people hate change) but you shouldn't limit yours
and your kids opportunities for others.

I have no issues with my mum and brother going out together, they regularly do but we'd discussed this for my sons stand down or his birthday meal which are only weeks apart. They agreed to it and im so looking forward to it, we've kept talking about it. If i go out with my kids, its very different. Im made to feel guilty.

OP posts:
HoppityBun · 14/04/2026 04:15

The fact that your mother kept asking you if she had upset you, betrays that she knew she was being thoughtless and hurtful. If she really cared, she’d have put you first. The question was intended to manipulate you into denying that you felt hurt, in order to absolve her. It succeeded in that.

PollyBell · 14/04/2026 04:11

BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 04:07

I offered to pay for everyone on either of two dates, my sons stand down or his birthday meal. No hints were dropped, no game playing, they agreed. Thats what the plan was.

Show quote history

Then just from now on focus on doing things with your own children and paying for yourselves all this cant be healthy for them

Original poster
BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 04:07

PollyBell · 14/04/2026 04:02

but you dropping hints form the start 'it would be nice to go so you can pay' basically, if you wanted to pay and go you could have just taken your kids yourself

but all this game playing and mental gymnastics is not healthy for anyone

I offered to pay for everyone on either of two dates, my sons stand down or his birthday meal. No hints were dropped, no game playing, they agreed. Thats what the plan was.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 04:05

Trallers · 14/04/2026 03:53

You're not unreasonable. Especially given the holiday upset that was voiced to you. Knowing them, do you think it was likely thoughtlessness (as in your feelings just didnt occur to them as something to have considered because, maybe because they're selfabsorbed, maybe because they dont realise you do get hurt due to you hiding it) or something more mean-spirited? The former happens in my family sometimes and I find it reasonably easy to forgive, although it stings a bit at times. The latter would really hurt though.

Could you ring her and say "to be honest mum, when I said i wasn't upset it wasn't true. It did upset me that after discussing something with you that I was excited to try with you, you took DB without telling or inviting me. I'd like to understand why you did that as I have to say it was pretty hurtful".

See what she says when you have a go at using that voice.

She knows i get hurt easily, its repeated throughout my life. I mean she once refused to go somewhere with me because id once had a date in that place. Our usual haunts, shes openly said not to bring friends etc as thats her special place that she doesnt want ruining. Shes so possessive about places then does that to me. Im consciously not letting on im upset because i dont own places, anyone can go and i dont want to be like that. I know she would be upset if i booked her dream destination but thats what sets us apart, i wouldnt do that to her.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 14/04/2026 04:02

but you dropping hints form the start 'it would be nice to go so you can pay' basically, if you wanted to pay and go you could have just taken your kids yourself

but all this game playing and mental gymnastics is not healthy for anyone

IWasTangoed · 14/04/2026 03:55

This all sounds a bit unhealthy and dependent. You don't live with your mum and have your own kids, you are entitled to go anywhere without inviting them and without feeling guilt. They are too so you shouldn't feel bad they went without you.

You need to reframe your thinking and perhaps ask why there is hurt on both sides if one group goes out without the other (which is completely normal) It might be never growing out of old family patterns and creating an independent, adult relationship with your mum and her with you.

I'd say begin to do your own thing more e.g. those holidays. You'll get pushback (people hate change) but you shouldn't limit yours
and your kids opportunities for others.

Trallers · 14/04/2026 03:53

You're not unreasonable. Especially given the holiday upset that was voiced to you. Knowing them, do you think it was likely thoughtlessness (as in your feelings just didnt occur to them as something to have considered because, maybe because they're selfabsorbed, maybe because they dont realise you do get hurt due to you hiding it) or something more mean-spirited? The former happens in my family sometimes and I find it reasonably easy to forgive, although it stings a bit at times. The latter would really hurt though.

Could you ring her and say "to be honest mum, when I said i wasn't upset it wasn't true. It did upset me that after discussing something with you that I was excited to try with you, you took DB without telling or inviting me. I'd like to understand why you did that as I have to say it was pretty hurtful".

See what she says when you have a go at using that voice.

AlwaysLookOnTheBrightSideOfLife · 14/04/2026 03:48

You're providing bad witness to your DC. They should be your priority. Be strong, save and take them without your DM anyone else being involved. Show them they come first and don't let them lose out anymore because of others.

CynicalSunni · 14/04/2026 03:46

If you want to keep contact with them just grey rock their 'i would have loved to come upset,
Book the things you want, invite them, they say no.
Then when they complain say. 'I did invite you, you said no' and repeat. Dont get into it any further than that.

If they are doing it to upset you and get a rise out of you theybwill get bored.

Original poster
BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 03:41

If i said i was upset, it would cause issues. Im very much from a family where i dont have a voice. Ive had to write 2 other siblings off and ive even gone no contact with my mum whilst having counselling in the past. My therapist asked me the same question and i couldnt provide an answer then either. I just dont know. Im expected to act in a certain way and told 'i shouldnt feel like that'. Now i dont know what feelings of mine are normal or not hence me asking here.

OP posts:
RoyalPenguin · 14/04/2026 03:36

Why did you keep saying you're not upset when you are?

Bobloblawww · 14/04/2026 03:34

She 100% knew what she was doing. Throwing the cost back in your face is pretty obvious. I would question how much time I would spend with my mum if she treated me like that.