Page 2 | Family dynamics

Octavia64 · 14/04/2026 07:53

Yeah put your mum on minimal info.

she’s got you both ways - if you go without her she makes you feel guilty and if you invite her she can’t commit and you miss out.

just go. Don’t tell her.

Original poster

BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 07:48

RedTulip86 · 14/04/2026 06:48

OP, look up the scapegoat and golden child scenario.
There’s a very long running thread in Relationships called Stately Homes, it’s for people with dysfunctional families, you might consider to join it.

Your mother is scapegoating you and treating you and your kids outrageously.
Look at what she does and not what she says.Actions speak for themselves words are cheap.
You’re not “allowed” to go out without her and your brother(whom she sees as extension of her), you’re not allowed to have feelings ( but she’s allowed
She hurts you on purpose and calls you silly if you admit being hurt( purposely by her) and she subjects you and your kids to interrogation(who the heck does it?)

Divide and conquer tactic in all its glory to make you and your kids suffer from a control freak your mother is.Utterly toxic environment for you and your children.

Here’s what to do to release yourself from this toxic dynamic.

Go back to the therapist.

Put your mother on information diet- no sharing intentions of where do you want to go with kids or what do you want to do. You’re entitled to lead your own life without being controlled by your mother and her “upsets”. You’re not responsible for her feelings. Strangely enough she enjoys upsetting you and your kids.

Stop inviting your mother (and your brother) to things with your kids and waiting for response.If you do in years to come your kids will have no memories of going places because you were always waiting for your mother. By always doing your mother’s bidding you’re damaging your children!Is that what you want?You’re teaching them it’s ok to be treated this way.

Go back to the therapist(find another one if first one didn’t help).

Accept that your mother won’t change.Grieve for relationship you could have had. You’re not responsible for her feelings and are entitled to have yours.
Reduce the contact.

Go on, have life. Book to go to these places with your kids.Either don’t tell them until you go there(so they can’t slip the info to your mother) or if you tell them and they slip step into interrogations and turn the tables with your mother telling her to stop being silly if she’s “upset” by lack of invitation.

Good luck, take care of yourself

Thank you, that was incredibly useful information and very detailed explanations.

OP posts:

BlueMum16 · 14/04/2026 07:47

BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 03:29

Im a single mum but saw a restaraunt had opened that is more expensive than i would usually pay for a meal out. I would need to save to go but i mentioned it to my mum that it would be nice to go for a celebration ie my kids birthday or another milestone like completing school etc. She looked the place up online and said she would love to go.

Her and my brother live together and i never invite one without the other, it just goes without saying. When i invite them, it usually ends up in us not going at all because they cant commit, but want to go, so i feel like i have to wait for a time they can go which then may never happen and often my kids lose out. If i dont invite, and me and my kids go, i usually get the 'i could have done with a day out, i never get out anywhere' card.

Heres where i feel like i need to ask AIBU, because my feelings are pretty hurt here. A few days ago, i phoned my mum and she told me her and my brother have been to that restaraunt, twice. No invite for us but she did ask if shed upset me and all i could say was you are entitled to go out and do what you like. I had to listen to how amazing it was and what was on the menu. She kept saying have i upset you and all i could do was say no even though i am upset by this. I did remind her i had planned to go and she hit me back with, could i have afforded to go? Which no, not on the spurr of the moment so i dont know if my feelings are valid here.

For context, i invited them on holiday last summer and they couldnt commit so i went ahead and booked for me and the kids. I got told they were upset by this. Ive asked them again this year and theyve given excuses why they cant make it which are reasonable, so it means i have not booked as i dont want to upset anyone.

They still want to go for the meal when its my sons birthday but im seriously thinking about taking just the kids. I invite them to every birthday and celebration but never get invited to my brothers. The family dynamics here are hurtful.

AIBU for feeling the way i do?

All I've taken from your post is that you and your DC are not having a holiday this year because your DM and DB may get upset.

Please find one you want to go, assuming you can still afford it, tell you mum you are booking at the weekend/payday and will they be coming or not. And then please book.

You and your DC deserve a holiday. Don't put your life on hold and your children miss out.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 14/04/2026 07:14

I’m not going to give you advice on how to make your family dynamics better, how to communicate with them, how to handle these kinds of situations.

What do they bring to your life? What are the positives spending time with them? Why are you trying?

From my perspective they just cause you pain. You don’t have to seek them out.

I’d recommend stepping away. Organise your life differently. And don’t dismiss @PollyBell’s idea about having control of your feelings too quickly. Think about it a bit longer. It’s a really interesting idea. We can have some control over how we react to things, and we can practise reacting differently. With lots of practice it gets easier and you start to feel differently.

Most importantly, you are giving your mother power to hurt you at the moment. Take it back. She doesn’t deserve it.

Evaka · 14/04/2026 06:50

OP, what's your friendship group like? Sounds like you need some more outlets and people to do nice things with. You and your family are far too involved in each other's business.

RedTulip86 · 14/04/2026 06:48

OP, look up the scapegoat and golden child scenario.
There’s a very long running thread in Relationships called Stately Homes, it’s for people with dysfunctional families, you might consider to join it.

Your mother is scapegoating you and treating you and your kids outrageously.
Look at what she does and not what she says.Actions speak for themselves words are cheap.
You’re not “allowed” to go out without her and your brother(whom she sees as extension of her), you’re not allowed to have feelings ( but she’s allowed
She hurts you on purpose and calls you silly if you admit being hurt( purposely by her) and she subjects you and your kids to interrogation(who the heck does it?)

Divide and conquer tactic in all its glory to make you and your kids suffer from a control freak your mother is.Utterly toxic environment for you and your children.

Here’s what to do to release yourself from this toxic dynamic.

Go back to the therapist.

Put your mother on information diet- no sharing intentions of where do you want to go with kids or what do you want to do. You’re entitled to lead your own life without being controlled by your mother and her “upsets”. You’re not responsible for her feelings. Strangely enough she enjoys upsetting you and your kids.

Stop inviting your mother (and your brother) to things with your kids and waiting for response.If you do in years to come your kids will have no memories of going places because you were always waiting for your mother. By always doing your mother’s bidding you’re damaging your children!Is that what you want?You’re teaching them it’s ok to be treated this way.

Go back to the therapist(find another one if first one didn’t help).

Accept that your mother won’t change.Grieve for relationship you could have had. You’re not responsible for her feelings and are entitled to have yours.
Reduce the contact.

Go on, have life. Book to go to these places with your kids.Either don’t tell them until you go there(so they can’t slip the info to your mother) or if you tell them and they slip step into interrogations and turn the tables with your mother telling her to stop being silly if she’s “upset” by lack of invitation.

Good luck, take care of yourself

Bumbumbumbumbum2026 · 14/04/2026 06:45

Your mother is a manipulative dick stop involving her in your life.

Original poster

BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 06:42

CheeseAndTomatoSandwichWithMayo · 14/04/2026 06:40

Did they actually break any bridges? Or is the family dynamic so trauma bonded and fucked up that there were never any bridges to break

Show quote history

Theres a view ive not seen before....

OP posts:

CheeseAndTomatoSandwichWithMayo · 14/04/2026 06:40

BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 05:48

Yes, my therapist told me something similar. Reality and expectations are different. He also taught me i can love someone but not like them. The problem here is actually me. Im bending over backwards to mend bridges they broke.

Show quote history

Did they actually break any bridges? Or is the family dynamic so trauma bonded and fucked up that there were never any bridges to break

Original poster

BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 06:34

PollyBell · 14/04/2026 04:22

You are not made to do anything you choose to feel guilty, your feelings are under your own control, you seem to keep choosing to keep this up, it is up to you to stop it

Show quote history

Not at all. Ill agree to disagree about controlling my feelings. I have severe anxiety and its not by choice. Nobody would choose this.

OP posts:

Comtesse · 14/04/2026 06:19

JustAnotherWhinger · 14/04/2026 04:33

Book your holiday.

Your mum is going to be hurtful to you regardless of what you do so start doing things in the best way for you and your kids.

Also when you invite them places, if you continue to do so, make it clear you are going and they are welcome to join rather than making it sound like they have the say on if you go or not.

This sounds right.

Book your holiday, centre your kids not your mum and brother who sound like a waste of space….

Give them a deadline if you like and if you don’t hear anything then just book it. Don’t let these donkeys prevent you from doing nice things with your little family.

CombatBarbie · 14/04/2026 06:07

Stop being a people pleaser!!! Read up on asserting boundaries and toxic relationships.

They knew exactly what they were doing going to the restaurant.

And book the holiday for you and the kids.

Original poster

BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 05:48

2021x · 14/04/2026 05:18

This is the straw that broke the camels back.

They are in their own little world and you are not part of it. You told them about something meaningful to you and they did it on their own without you. Even if it wasn't malicous it was still without consideration and that is hurtful.

They won't change. Don't give them any more of your energy or high expectations. Re-orientate your world to your reality rather than the fantasy that it will all change at some point.

Your feelings are important. I care about them and so do most of the posters on this thread.

Yes, my therapist told me something similar. Reality and expectations are different. He also taught me i can love someone but not like them. The problem here is actually me. Im bending over backwards to mend bridges they broke.

OP posts:

Original poster

BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 05:29

Feelingworried26 · 14/04/2026 05:26

OP you seriously need help with your boundaries. You keep saying you are not upset when you are in order to preserve a relationship that gives you mostly grief and disappointment. At the very least stop inviting your mum and brother to things. Visit them for acup of tea when you feel like it.

You are right

OP posts:

Feelingworried26 · 14/04/2026 05:26

OP you seriously need help with your boundaries. You keep saying you are not upset when you are in order to preserve a relationship that gives you mostly grief and disappointment. At the very least stop inviting your mum and brother to things. Visit them for acup of tea when you feel like it.

Original poster

BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 05:20

PollyBell · 14/04/2026 05:13

Why are you subjecting your kids to this, next you will drip feed something else cant you see this is harming your children and yet you let it continue

Not sure how to dress it up into something fancy itis wrong yet you are ignoring it

Show quote history

You are correct. This is the old narrative that we healed from slipping in again. Im not going to let it happen again but i did want to check if my feelings are unreasonable, they are entitled to go out for dinner together hence me questioning. You see, after therapy, its not a magic wand that suddenly everything is okay now, its something you need to keep working on, in healthy ways but without that support, its easy to let things slip again. Thats why im here, asking what others think about it. With, or without the deep rooted background context.

OP posts:

2021x · 14/04/2026 05:18

This is the straw that broke the camels back.

They are in their own little world and you are not part of it. You told them about something meaningful to you and they did it on their own without you. Even if it wasn't malicous it was still without consideration and that is hurtful.

They won't change. Don't give them any more of your energy or high expectations. Re-orientate your world to your reality rather than the fantasy that it will all change at some point.

Your feelings are important. I care about them and so do most of the posters on this thread.

PollyBell · 14/04/2026 05:13

BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 05:10

My mum has been known for interrogating my kids, where, who with etc. My eldest has felt at times that he doesnt want to lie but sees trouble if he tells the truth. I laid down a boundary about it and her words were she wouldnt accept that. Shes my kids overlooker and head of the family. I went nc for months with her and got therapy!

Show quote history

Why are you subjecting your kids to this, next you will drip feed something else cant you see this is harming your children and yet you let it continue

Not sure how to dress it up into something fancy itis wrong yet you are ignoring it

Original poster

BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 05:10

CynicalSunni · 14/04/2026 05:01

Then give them a deadline for when you need to book. So you and the kids dont miss out.
"Need to know by x date as thats when i am buying tickets."

Or yes dont tell them at all, do you tell them about every minuatae of your life? They dont have to know you went somewhere. Though the kids might mention it. So you will have to be strong enough to deflect any comments.

Show quote history

My mum has been known for interrogating my kids, where, who with etc. My eldest has felt at times that he doesnt want to lie but sees trouble if he tells the truth. I laid down a boundary about it and her words were she wouldnt accept that. Shes my kids overlooker and head of the family. I went nc for months with her and got therapy!

OP posts:

CynicalSunni · 14/04/2026 05:01

BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 04:28

It would be a lot simpler if they did say no. They dont, im told they cant commit either way. Then the deadline for booking passes and we all miss out. Im wrong if i book for me and my kids and they get upset because they wanted to go. I think the lesson here is keep stum, dont invite and proritise my kids opportunities, just them and i. They did surprisingly agree to this celebratory meal though. What i find hurtful is its ok for them to do it to me but not the otherway around. Maybe its a kickback for the holiday last year. Ive had a few.

Show quote history

Then give them a deadline for when you need to book. So you and the kids dont miss out.
"Need to know by x date as thats when i am buying tickets."

Or yes dont tell them at all, do you tell them about every minuatae of your life? They dont have to know you went somewhere. Though the kids might mention it. So you will have to be strong enough to deflect any comments.

Original poster

BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 04:53

VanQueefApples · 14/04/2026 04:44

I’m so sorry. They’ve been awful to you. One thing that really jumped out at me was you saying ‘she knows I get hurt easily’. I’d argue that you’re not ‘getting hurt easily’ but having a completely normal and appropriate response to someone being very hurtful towards you. Sounds like she’s planted the ‘you get hurt easily’ narrative in your mind to make you accept their cruelty.

I agree with you. This is not the first time, its repeated behaviour like the christmas before last, i invited them to york christmas market and they said yes but couldnt commit a date. I sat here waiting for them then found out theyd gone on my brothers birthday which is in december. I was told i was being silly for being upset. Kinda makes things hurt that bit more.

OP posts:

VanQueefApples · 14/04/2026 04:44

I’m so sorry. They’ve been awful to you. One thing that really jumped out at me was you saying ‘she knows I get hurt easily’. I’d argue that you’re not ‘getting hurt easily’ but having a completely normal and appropriate response to someone being very hurtful towards you. Sounds like she’s planted the ‘you get hurt easily’ narrative in your mind to make you accept their cruelty.

Original poster

BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 04:34

HoppityBun · 14/04/2026 04:15

The fact that your mother kept asking you if she had upset you, betrays that she knew she was being thoughtless and hurtful. If she really cared, she’d have put you first. The question was intended to manipulate you into denying that you felt hurt, in order to absolve her. It succeeded in that.

Agreed but the times i have said its hurt, she tells me im being silly. Just easier to say no. Back to therapy for me.

OP posts:

JustAnotherWhinger · 14/04/2026 04:33

Book your holiday.

Your mum is going to be hurtful to you regardless of what you do so start doing things in the best way for you and your kids.

Also when you invite them places, if you continue to do so, make it clear you are going and they are welcome to join rather than making it sound like they have the say on if you go or not.

Original poster

BeRarePlumCrab · 14/04/2026 04:28

CynicalSunni · 14/04/2026 03:46

If you want to keep contact with them just grey rock their 'i would have loved to come upset,
Book the things you want, invite them, they say no.
Then when they complain say. 'I did invite you, you said no' and repeat. Dont get into it any further than that.

If they are doing it to upset you and get a rise out of you theybwill get bored.

It would be a lot simpler if they did say no. They dont, im told they cant commit either way. Then the deadline for booking passes and we all miss out. Im wrong if i book for me and my kids and they get upset because they wanted to go. I think the lesson here is keep stum, dont invite and proritise my kids opportunities, just them and i. They did surprisingly agree to this celebratory meal though. What i find hurtful is its ok for them to do it to me but not the otherway around. Maybe its a kickback for the holiday last year. Ive had a few.

OP posts: